do opposites really attract?

[searchforhappiness]

Do opposites really attract and do they/can they stay together?

 

I need advice.  I have been married for 19 years, 5 of which have been very unhappy.  There has been no morality issues or abuse.

 

You could say our differences are superficial, but when they add up it just becomes a burden.  I will list a few just to illustrate my dilemma:

I want a big family-he doesn't

I like order and clean-he is a slob (doesn't shower, change his clothes or brush his teeth unless I ask him to, will wear dirty clothes around the house, but will wear un-ironed, clean, clothes to work and church).

I like to be active, clean the house, go camping, etc.-he hates the outdoors and sleeps all day on the weekends (I even have to mow our lawn).

I don't like to read much-he spends all his time reading, which is good, but won't do much else.

I like to exercise and be healthy- you guessed it, he doesn't (his doctor, our family and even the bishop tell him he is going to die young if he doesn't do something).

 

Good traits about him:

He loves God, me and our kids, is very likable at work and church.

 

I met my husband shortly after his mission, we went from being friends to being engaged in a little over a month.  When I meet him I felt there was something special about him, but we got engaged so fast that I never really got to know him before accepting to marry him.  I prayed about marrying him and felt a very strong yes, but I was not in love nor really attracted to my husband.  But the Spirit was saying yes, so I said yes.

The first few years were pretty good, even though our differences were obvious, we at least shared a desire to have a family and be strong in the church.

 

Now that our kids are older, it gets hard to try to teach them good habits like health and cleanliness when they don't see their dad doing it.  I do feel like I am winning that battle though, because my kids see their dad and think he is unpleasant sometimes (stinks).

I also do everything around my home, broken stuff I have to fix myself or ask a friend or family member to come fix.  I clean, cook and am emotionally available for my kids.  My husband just comes home and goes into his little world.

 

I don't know if I should ask my husband to change if he is happy being that way.  But the trouble is that I'm not happy, at all.  Just recently his health started to affect our sex life too.

 

I have asked friends for advice, even brought up divorce, but all of them of course don't know him like I do so they say "oh, he is such a great guy and I can tell he loves you!".

 

I don't know what else do to.  Please help.

 

[Guest]

He sounds like a good guy with some bad habits, like all of us.

 

It's unfair to marry someone and then try to change them, or get their goals in line with yours. Although I think basic hygiene should be a requirement for anyone. Maybe someone else will have advice on how to deal with that.

 

Focus on the good that you have in him. Remember the things you admired about him and the spiritual confirmation that he would be a good husband. 

 

Most of all, and I can tell you this works from direct experience, pray for a soft and loving heart toward your husband. 

[Guest]

One more thing:

 

The way you talk about your husband affects the way you think about him. The way you think about him affects the way you feel about him. Here's the big one:  the way you treat him affects the way he feels about himself, and the way he behaves.

I think as women, we often underestimate how much influence we can have on our husbands' self-esteem and motivation, for good or for bad. When I am a patient, encouraging, appreciative wife, I have a happier, more confidant husband who puts more effort into his marriage and family. When I am a nagging, grumpy, ungrateful wife, I get a husband who starts to feel down on himself, and is beaten down, grouchy, withdrawn... Guess which scenario makes us both happier? And those are things I have control over doing!

I think when you have a good man who loves you, and he knows you have confidence in him and RESPECT for him (that is so incredibly important to our men), and affection for him, it can make all the difference in how he feels about himself, and thus how he acts. 

[The Folk Prophet]

You could say our differences are superficial, 

 

Yep.

 

but when they add up it just becomes a burden. 

 

What does "a burden" justify?

[Palerider]

One should work on changing themselves first before trying to change their spouse. My wife and I are opposites and to this day we still have things we disagree on etc.

[Vort]

Regarding personal hygiene:

 

Until very recently in history, the vast majority of people bathed only occasionally, once or twice a week at most, sometimes once or twice a year. People smelled like, well, people. No big deal, Cows smell like cows, pigs smell like pigs, rats smell like rats, and humans smell like humans.

 

I am not necessarily advocating a return to the "good old days" of constant BO. But I do think our insistence that people shower at least once per day and put all sorts of deodorants and perfumes on to cover up any possibility of their body actually having the odor of a human being is prissy and ridiculous. On my mission (to Italy, an advanced first-world country), I was introduced to masses of people who showered only every other day, women who didn't shave their legs or armpits, and all sorts of other curiosities of personal hygiene that a naive American like myself had never encountered. After 13 months in Italy, such things didn't faze me a bit, or even strike me as odd or repulsive. They seemed perfectly normal. I think we would do well to move toward such an attitude.

 

Oral hygiene, on the contrary, is quite important, but is typically a learned habit, preferably from early childhood. It can be learned and practiced in adulthood, but the adult has to be the one to make that decision. All you can do is encourage him.

 

(The one thing I do not get is people who brush their teeth right after they get up. Huh? What sense does that make? After breakfast makes sense, but right after you get up? How about brush your teeth BEFORE YOU GO TO BED, so your teeth don't rot all night in their unwashed state? My wife's "morning breath" smells fine to me. I have never been bothered by it, and I gather she doesn't mind mine. it goes away within 30 minutes of getting up, anyway, or when you eat breakfast. IMO, this is just another "I'm afraid of humans smelling human" problem.)

Edited August 3, 2015 by Vort

[EarlJibbs]

 

I want a big family-he doesn't

I like order and clean-he is a slob (doesn't shower, change his clothes or brush his teeth unless I ask him to, will wear dirty clothes around the house, but will wear un-ironed, clean, clothes to work and church).

I like to be active, clean the house, go camping, etc.-he hates the outdoors and sleeps all day on the weekends (I even have to mow our lawn).

I don't like to read much-he spends all his time reading, which is good, but won't do much else.

I like to exercise and be healthy- you guessed it, he doesn't (his doctor, our family and even the bishop tell him he is going to die young if he doesn't do something).

 

Good traits about him:

He loves God, me and our kids, is very likable at work and church.

 

 

I like the other comments made. I just wanted to add that although I know that your post is about the negative issues with your husband and the list you provided is not all inclusive, that list of good items is pretty small, but pretty powerful. 

 

From your list, if he could change the hygiene/health, I think everything else should be workable. 

[The Folk Prophet]

(The one thing I do not get is people who brush their teeth right after they get up. Huh? What sense does that make? After breakfast makes sense, but right after you get up? How about brush your teeth BEFORE YOU GO TO BED, so your teeth don't rot all night in their unwashed state? My wife's "morning breath" smells fine to me. I have never been bothered by it, and I gather she doesn't mind mine. it goes away within 30 minutes of getting up, anyway, or when you eat breakfast. IMO, this is just another "I'm afraid of humans smelling human" problem.)

 

Maybe you should ask your wife about your morning breath before you complete your conclusion on the matter.

[Guest MormonGator]

Honestly, no. They might attract at first but over time you need to have at least some mutual interests. 

LadyGator and I have different interests and hobbies-but we make sure to devote time to each other as well as those hobbies. 

 

You will regret your divorce, it's almost a given. No one person will meet all your needs. If he loves you, God, and your children you might want to count it as a win and move on. Lots of people would love to have that. Sound to me you are complaining about the little things and not seeing the big picture. Just saying. I apologize if that sounds harsh, but after all, you asked.

 

And the fact that people shower every day in the western world is a definite plus. Thank goodness. I shower twice a day and make my own soap! 

Edited August 3, 2015 by MormonGator

[Vort]

Maybe you should ask your wife about your morning breath before you complete your conclusion on the matter.

 

I have, and she claims it doesn't bother her. I believe her.

[Vort]

"Your dad is a righteous and loving man who tries to do right by his family. But I divorced him because he read too much and didn't like to exercise. Also he didn't shower as often as I thought he should."

 

If you think your kids will accept this as a reasonable explanation and will in turn go forward to build successful marriages based on their parents' example, I think you are mistaken.

[Guest MormonGator]

"Your dad is a righteous and loving man who tries to do right by his family. But I divorced him because he read too much and didn't like to exercise. Also he didn't shower as often as I thought he should."

 

If you think your kids will accept this as a reasonable explanation and will in turn go forward to build successful marriages based on their parents' example, I think you are mistaken.

 Exactly. You will do huge damage to yourself and to your family. He might find another woman who appreciates the love he gives to a family.  

 

If the genders were reversed and I posted about how much my wife loves me, our children and lives the gospel standards, but darn it, she's put on weight in the 15 years we've been married. Truth be told, I would correctly be called out for being so shallow. 

Edited August 3, 2015 by MormonGator

[yjacket]

Do opposites really attract and do they/can they stay together?

 

I need advice.  I have been married for 19 years, 5 of which have been very unhappy.  There has been no morality issues or abuse.

 

You could say our differences are superficial, but when they add up it just becomes a burden.  I will list a few just to illustrate my dilemma:

I want a big family-he doesn't

I like order and clean-he is a slob (doesn't shower, change his clothes or brush his teeth unless I ask him to, will wear dirty clothes around the house, but will wear un-ironed, clean, clothes to work and church).

I like to be active, clean the house, go camping, etc.-he hates the outdoors and sleeps all day on the weekends (I even have to mow our lawn).

I don't like to read much-he spends all his time reading, which is good, but won't do much else.

I like to exercise and be healthy- you guessed it, he doesn't (his doctor, our family and even the bishop tell him he is going to die young if he doesn't do something).

Well the big family . . .something you're just going to have to get over; on that one it takes two to tango.  Be very grateful and thankful for the kids you do have.  My greatest regret in my life is and will always be that I didn't have more kids-but sometimes it's just not in the cards no matter how much we want it.

 

With the house-I'd say let him wear whatever he wants-why are you wrapped up in how he looks.  If he wants to look like a slob then that is on him not you.  It's not your responsibility to dress him or bath him-it's his-let it be his responsibility.

 Now that our kids are older, it gets hard to try to teach them good habits like health and cleanliness when they don't see their dad doing it.  I do feel like I am winning that battle though, because my kids see their dad and think he is unpleasant sometimes (stinks).

 

That is good-it is important to teach kids how to be clean and that how you look and present yourself is to an extent the measure of how you feel about yourself. They will go a lot farther in life if they at least look presentable-no one wants to be around someone who smells.

 

I also do everything around my home, broken stuff I have to fix myself or ask a friend or family member to come fix.  I clean, cook and am emotionally available for my kids.  My husband just comes home and goes into his little world.

 

Yes, but are you emotionally available to your husband . . . .remember your primary responsibility should be to your husband 1st not your kids.

 

Couple of questions.

1) Are you a stay-at-home wife or a stay at home mom? I don't think anyone should be a stay-at-home mom-you are wife first, mother 2nd.

2) I would say that he is only fulfilling part of his responsibilities as a husband.  Yes he does work and provide for you-for which you have to ask yourself do you honestly show enough gratitude for the work your husband does to in actually providing funds to take care of the family? 

 

I don't know what kind of job he does-but the stress and drain of work can be absolutely draining-where all I want to do when I come home is just chill. And to be perfectly honest-if one is parenting properly-being a stay-at-home wife can't hold a candle to a high-stress inducing work environment. I've done both; and being a stay at home spouse is much less stressful. Raising future adults is a way more important job.

 

Just out of curiosity, but man it must be a weird season or something- lately there seems to be a lot more women coming to these boards wanting exits, different husbands, or divorces-weird.

[Guest MormonGator]

 

 

Just out of curiosity, but man it must be a weird season or something- lately there seems to be a lot more women coming to these boards wanting exits, different husbands, or divorces-weird.

 I've noticed that too. 

[Guest]

Faramir and I have noticed or the last several years that it's women leaving. Even in couples where we never would have expected it. There is probably a small percentage that leave because they really ought to, but I think it's a symptom of a society that doesn't value marriage or family anymore, and fallout from the women's rights movement swinging way too far to the other side.

[searchforhappiness]

Thank you for all the insights.

I never wanted to get a divorce. I am the product of divorce (unfaithful dad). My mom stayed with him for many years so as not to "hurt" her children, at the expense of her happiness. That makes me sad.

Of course there is more to my story, but I guess I'll just have to resign to never being fully happy. Yes my husband has a very stressful job, I did too, I had to quit because I just couldn't handle having a stressfull job and feeling like a single parent because my husband does nothing to help me. And I say he loves me and the kids because he says so, doesn't really show it in my opinion. I have to take my kids on outings by myself because my husband doesn't like to do anything, literally.

His health is my concern because he is obese (in the last 10 years) and now we have to deal with ED on top of everything else (high blood pressure heart diseases).

Hygiene, well it wouldn't be so bad if it was just BO.

He rejects any kind of help. He has always been this way, I have just reached my limit.

I'm sorry but I just feel like I don't matter.

[Guest MormonGator]

Faramir and I have noticed or the last several years that it's women leaving. Even in couples where we never would have expected it. There is probably a small percentage that leave because they really ought to, but I think it's a symptom of a society that doesn't value marriage or family anymore, and fallout from the women's rights movement swinging way too far to the other side.

 It's also because people the grass is greener. I am NOT slamming the OP, I do feel for her-but sometimes we need to be spoken to harshly by relative strangers in order to have a different perspective. 

Edited August 3, 2015 by MormonGator

[Guest]

Sorry to be blunt, but if you resign yourself to never be happy, that's what will happen. You are the one in charge of your happiness.

 

There are some problems there, to be sure, but I promise that every single marriage has problems, even the ones that look really happy. Even the ones that look perfect (or maybe especially those?). By all means, try to work through them. Maybe even see if he'd be willing to have a counselor help you communicate with each other about these things. But I don't think you're in a marriage that ought to be severed, by a long shot. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

There are some ways that DW and I are opposite from each other that are key to our bonding to each other, for example her being an extrovert and me being more introverted.  We counterbalance each other and both of us are better off from it.  There are ways we are the same, same religious and political outlook for example, and those are things that also help the relationship go smoother.  But of course there are ways that we are different that can create friction IF WE LET IT.  She keeps all her clothes neatly put away, I have a chair full of 'not dirty enough yet for the laundry' clothes, and the clean ones are usually just left in the laundry basket they came back in until I need them.  She could make a stink about it, but as long as I keep it on my side of the bed she tolerates it.  You have to learn to tolerate differences in things that don't matter so much, and if you spouse feels differenlty about something than you, try to see it from their POV and have empathy.  Do and not try and press them into the mold of what you think they should be or make them feel your love and respect for them depends on them doing everything your way.

[MrShorty]

If you have not yet seen the link in the sticky thread, I would suggest a review of Dr. Harley's website: marriagebuilders.com

 

One "Love Buster" that he talks about is "Annoying Habits". As you talk about some of these "shallow" things that bother you, I am reminded of the example he uses of a couple whose husband makes too much noise while he eats, and how the wife was so shallow that it bothered her. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5053a_qa.html Dr. Harley's advice amounts to figuring out which change is going to be harder to make, and that spouse makes the change. Of course, if this is indeed the route you go on some of these issues, it will be up to your husband to make some changes, and you say that he is not open to any changes (perhaps another love buster, "Independent Behavior").

 

I would suggest you review Dr. Harley's website. If you like the basic concepts and principles, present it to your husband and see if he would be interested in understanding those principles, too. Somewhere in this battle to save our marriages, it takes two to work together to make a marriage work.

[LDS0617]

Is he always in his own world, or just a little bit after he gets home? If it is more often, is it possible he has depression? I wonder about it due to the "unavailable" part and the no interest in hygiene....I think that may be a sign.

Would he be willing to go over The Five Languages book with you? My husband and I were doing very well, but this book is a HUGE help. It helped us understand why we needed certain things and reacted certain ways to things.

I also recommend reading the "Men Are From Mars" book as well as "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." I loved both books. It helped me to understand guys better, which I think helps dh to respond better to me.

Yes, opposites do attract. Dh and I vary wildly in our interests, but we are so similar in his we view the world and the gospel. However, I can understand why you are concerned. I hope some of this and other advice helps.

[Str8Shooter]

Do opposites attract?  

 

Yes, they can.

 

 

 

Does it make for an easy, stress free relationship?

 

No.

[Windseeker]

Do opposites attract?  

 

Yes, they can.

 

 

 

Does it make for an easy, stress free relationship?

 

No.

 

 

...but we end up complimenting each other really well 

 

If my wife married someone exactly like her there would be a constant battle, if I married someone like me, nothing would ever get done. 

 

The other great part about it is that you find yourself acquiring the positive attributes of the other. Over the years I have seen my wife become much more relaxed and I have learned to be more direct and I also notice I get restless when there are things that should be done (rather then ignoring them). 

 

I think there is truth to opposites attracting in that we look for strength in others where we are weak.

[pkstpaul]

Faramir and I have noticed or the last several years that it's women leaving. Even in couples where we never would have expected it. There is probably a small percentage that leave because they really ought to, but I think it's a symptom of a society that doesn't value marriage or family anymore, and fallout from the women's rights movement swinging way too far to the other side.

Men don't seem to be maturing and taking on responsibility.  I think it a factor of the economy. We haven't seen hard years since the mid-70's. This last economic downturn was nothing. It was all buffered by the government spending trillions of dollars to prop things up. People don't know how to sacrafice.

 

Honestly, I think it more so for men in the Church, which is odd since we teach sacrafice weekly. Evidence...look through the Forum.

[pkstpaul]

I don't know if I should ask my husband to change if he is happy being that way.  But the trouble is that I'm not happy, at all.  Just recently his health started to affect our sex life too.

 

To the OP: Opposites do attract and they can compliment each other very well. One person makes up for the other's short falls.

 

I have two things:

1) He may very well "wake up" and take on changing himself. Life is long and full of changes. It could be an event. It could be gradually noticing his children distancing themselves. It could be curing depression, as was mentioned. It could be some men don't mature until that are 40 or more. But, he may in fact change.

 

2) You should base your happiness and your sucess on you. Become the person you want to be and don't let your spouse be an excuse for you not moving forward with your own goals. I've seen so many people (women mostly) divorce thinking that the spouse was the one holding them back when in fact they could have done the things they wanted to do while still married. Don't use your husband as an anchor. If he is just sitting in a hole reading, there is no reason you can't busy yourself with what you want. I know it doesn't sound like a marriage, but possibly your expectations are too high.

 

You can stay on him about things without being a nag. You can ask him to brush his teeth, but not insist or nag. You can iron his clothes or make sure his wrinkled and dirty clothes don't accumulate. This is not about being a slave for him. Remember, this is what you expressed was important to you.

 

Best wishes.