Is their any true way to grieve over a loss of a relationship?


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I dated a long time friend who was an lds member as well. We were on and off for about ten months dating. We where supposed to get married next Saturday but I broke it off with him about a month ago. He was abusive but somehow managed to smooth talk his way back into my life. With the help and support of my bishop, hometeacher, one of my former hometeachers, and my visting teachers they helped me leave the relationship. Shortly after me and Gavin broke up he moved across the country and we don't talk anymore. I grieve over our ten year friendship and our short lived romance. I know it was unhealthy so I got out however I miss our friendship. I realize that I need time to heal from our abusive relationship which I have sought counselling for myself. I will admit their are days when I am sad. Their are days when I am glad that I broke up with him because I am no longer walking on eggshells. When my fellow ward members approach me for group dates I always politely say no thank you I am not looking to date at this time but I appreciate you thinking of me. I don't feel like I have to explain to them. I don't get mad at them because they dont know what happened. I miss the ten year friendship we had but most of all the memories we made together and that we no longer have the opportunity to make new ones. I miss my best friend. But my best friend is unhealthy for me and it's time for me to be healthy without him in my life.I guess my question is their a wrong to grieve over a relationship as I am taking the time to process all this?

Edited by LadyHanley93
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No wrong way to grieve, as long as you aren't harming yourself or anyone else. Time is the magic ingredient. I know that stinks, but there it is. Also I don't think there's any shame in getting a little guidance from a counselor if you need some extra help.

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I realize that the grieving process is very difficult and it seems like forever. It seems to get better I don't think about Gavin as much as I used to,but this past month has been very painful and long. I wish this season of grieving would be over. I wish that I could say yes to dates and move on with my life already.

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Guest MormonGator

Remember that life continues. I've been through some awful break ups (my relationships tend to be on the intense side) and even though at the time it seemed earth shattering, life truly does move on and you can take what that person gave you (good and bad) and use it as a source of growth. 

 

A friend once said to me "Just because it's over doesn't mean it was bad. Maybe she taught you how to love, but she wasn't who you loved." 

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Perfectly natural reaction, but I would encourage you to get out and be social.  If you are not ready to date, fine, but you need friendships and if you isolate yourself  you are going to brood over this in an unhealthy way.  Get in on a girls night out to go see a movie or go bowling or something.

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I'm going to point something out to you, because I have gotten pretty good at training myself out of anxious thinking, and this is a good opportunity to do that for you.

 

When you were thinking of ending this relationship, you were worried about people in your ward reacting badly and treating you badly. Pay close attention to what has actually happened, in your own words:

 

 

 

 With the help and support of my bishop, hometeacher, one of my former hometeachers, and my visting teachers they helped me leave the relationship. 

 

 

 

When my fellow ward members approach me for group dates

 

 

Your ward cared about you enough to help you leave. Your ward cares about you enough to want to help you move on. In my case, I would file this away for the future. Next time something comes up and you have anxious thoughts about what might happen, look back on this. "I thought people in my ward would judge me and be angry for breaking it off with Gavin. They were actually supportive and loving." Then train your brain to realize that good things can and usually DO happen when we're making a healthy choice, and use that as confidence to step forward. 

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I understand they care but I am just not ready to date again at this very moment! I am not even ready to talk about it. My hometeacher who is a couple of years older than me calls or texts me almost everyday to ask me if I am okay. I tell him I am alright I work 32 hours a week at a job and go to school full time at a local community college. I will do anything to get more bours at work to keep my mind off this ugly breakup. So when my boss calls me in to come in on a day I usually don't work I say yes. I will even work Sunday nights and then go to school Monday morning. The truth is when I sit in sacermet meeting at my ysa ward I want to cry because I feel as if I am never going to find someone who will love me enough to love and accept me to take me to the temple.

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I understand they care but I am just not ready to date again at this very moment! I am not even ready to talk about it. My hometeacher who is a couple of years older than me calls or texts me almost everyday to ask me if I am okay. I tell him I am alright I work 32 hours a week at a job and go to school full time at a local community college. I will do anything to get more bours at work to keep my mind off this ugly breakup. So when my boss calls me in to come in on a day I usually don't work I say yes. I will even work Sunday nights and then go to school Monday morning. The truth is when I sit in sacermet meeting at my ysa ward I want to cry because I feel as if I am never going to find someone who will love me enough to love and accept me to take me to the temple.

 

Hanley, God have a plan for you!  What He wants WILL happen.  You're situation right now is a learning opportunity, not some "Plan B"

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  • 1 month later...

It's too bad that LadyHanley has left the forum for a while now.  I'd really like to share something here for record.

 

My wife (before she was my wife) was in really bad relationships prior to meeting me.  Some people might call them emotionally abusive.  There was no physical abuse.

 

With the last boyfriend, her roommates loved her enough to help her get out of the relationship.  Whenever he came over, they made sure she was never alone.  There was always one or two of them with her so he could never smooth talk her into getting back together.  They also tried to shoo off many other guys (she's extremely attractive) because they knew she needed time to be ok with being alone.

 

When I came into the picture, I guess they liked me.  Her roommates did everything they could to push us together.  But it was light enough that I never realized what was going on until much later.

 

Her last boyfriend came back to visit and saw the two of us cozied up on the couch with our arms around each other.  He seemed at a loss for words which was uncharacteristic of him.  He left and never came back again.

 

After a time, she was talking on the phone with her mother.  Mom's response was essentially, "I have never heard you talk like this about anyone.  You're not afraid.  You're not gloomy.  You're actually excited to talk about this guy.  You're trying to get off the phone because you're so eager to be with him again.  You've got to marry him as soon as you can."

 

We've been married for almost 20 years.  It hasn't been perfect of course.  But we keep trying to improve our marriage day by day and year by year.  While we have our days and we make our mistakes, we know that we're both trying to be one.  We work towards exaltation.  We try to raise our kids right.  We try to listen to the Spirit in all we do.  So far, it's as close to happily ever after as it gets.

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