How to train a teenage boy

[Bini]

I met a friend through one of my daughter's activities and we get along so well, it's scary sometimes, we see eye-to-eye on just about everything. Anyway, the last month she's been struggling with a household change. Her son, from a previous marriage, has moved from Florida to Utah and has moved in. He's fifteen-years old and is a bit of a handful. Nothing serious like getting into trouble with the law but he's got some authority issues and has got away with a lot of things with his biological father that she wouldn't allow.

 

I guess that's how things go with teens, attitude and belligerence, but as she's confided in me - she's totally overwhelmed by it. To add to the stress, she is 8 months pregnant, and has four other children with her current husband, who are all under 8, Her husband is a loving father but has little involvement with the teen, as the teen doesn't relate to him anyway, and there seems to be less drama when the two aren't interacting with each other. (Short of sitting at the dinner table together.)

 

Any suggestions from those who have been in similar shoes? They are inactive LDS, so the teen does not participate in YM's or any type of ward activity, but having met him, it'd take a miracle to convince him to give any of that a shot. I would only recommend it as a way for him to possibly meet other youth. Apparently, he has not connected with any kids at his high school, granted school just started... But he has a girlfriend that he texts and talks to day and night for hours on end, who lives back in Florida, which is about all the social interaction he has. My friend has taken his phone from him and she said it wasn't worth the wrath she got. (Throwing his dinner plate on the floor and slamming doors is just an inkling of that hell.)

[pkstpaul]

Sounds like a bomb ready to go off.  If he isn't in trouble with the law, it likely will come. Honestly, there isn't much one can do beyond the obvious - love, mentor, set an example, etc. If he's 13, there is some hope that he will adjust. 14 and older, he likely is going to attach himself to whomever he can associate with - the bad kids at school, because they accept anyone. At 17 he'll leave home and go back to Florida. That's a dark picture, I know, but it is the most common.

 

The best thing is to keep him involved in something, anything, even if he doesn't like it. That means time that I bet an expectant mother with four children doesn't have (nor the father).  Bini, if your husband is the type, he could be a great mentor. I was involved in Big Brothers Big Sisters and it really doesn't take much time to make an impact. Just a few hours a week. Go fly a kite or fish or volunteer to drive him to soccer, etc. The child may not seem like he wants or appreciates it, but trust me, the alternative is sitting around texting and surfing YouTube.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

This boy is 15 and had to leave all his friends and his girlfriend to move to Utah with a family he doesn't know and a mother who... okay, I don't know why he is living with his dad instead of his mom, but my first thought was that he favored his dad over his mom on the divorce proceedings or his mom abandoned him (rare for a dad to get full custody of a kid).

 

This is actually within the bounds of "to be expected" in that situation.

 

So yeah, he might be a spoiled rotten kid or whatever he was before he moved in with the mom.  But in any case, what this kid needs is somebody who will accept him and love him unconditionally and acknowledge the difficult situation he is placed and help him adjust to it.  He sure doesn't need somebody who isolates him even more by taking his phone which is the one last tie he has to his perception of people who got his back.

 

15 years old is a tough enough age for boys without having to be uprooted out of his familiar surroundings.  The mom being pregnant and having 4 other kids is not an excuse to reject the boy.  She brought him to this world, she takes care of him whatever it takes.

Edited September 1, 2015 by anatess

[Bini]

Thanks for the input.

 

I'm not sure of all the intimate details regarding the teen, ex, and my friend. I know she was barely 17 when she had him, and at the time, marriage seemed like the right move. So they got married. As it turned out in their situation, being a teen wife and a teen husband, was not in the cards - they divorced. Again, don't know all the details, but I know he was with his mum for awhile and then back with his dad. It's been a tough road for the kid, certainly.

 

In the last bit, he has lived with his biological father, but is now here in Utah with her. She married into a blended family, so, yeh more complicated dynamics there.

 

Anatess, I disagree with your conclusion that she's isolating the teen. I think she's handled things very well, considering, he's been mouthy - throwing tantrums (things literally) - in an environment with little children. The phone was taken away as a disciplinary consequence. I think it was reasonable but ultimately, it wasn't a resolve.

[Guest]

Thanks for the input.

 

I'm not sure of all the intimate details regarding the teen, ex, and my friend. I know she was barely 17 when she had him, and at the time, marriage seemed like the right move. So they got married. As it turned out in their situation, being a teen wife and a teen husband, was not in the cards - they divorced. Again, don't know all the details, but I know he was with his mum for awhile and then back with his dad. It's been a tough road for the kid, certainly.

 

In the last bit, he has lived with his biological father, but is now here in Utah with her. She married into a blended family, so, yeh more complicated dynamics there.

 

Anatess, I disagree with your conclusion that she's isolating the teen. I think she's handled things very well, considering, he's been mouthy - throwing tantrums (things literally) - in an environment with little children. The phone was taken away as a disciplinary consequence. I think it was reasonable but ultimately, it wasn't a resolve.

 

There are so many other ways of disciplining a kid that would produce a positive result than taking away the one thing that he is hanging on to to preserve his own sanity.

 

Discipline should not be meted out just for the sake of discipline.  Discipline should be meted out to produce a positive result.

 

For example - telling a kid to go to his room to read as a punishment will net you a negative result more than a positive one.  He will now hate reading.  Telling a kid that just got uprooted from his friends to give up the one link he has is going to net you a negative result more than a positive one.  He is not making friends in his new home, so taking away his old friends is a big negative.  I was once 15.  I know how that feels.  If that was me at 15, I would feel like I got nothing left to lose and I can do as bad a thing as I can just to hurt the people that are hurting me because there's no one telling me I matter.  Mother has a jillion other kids, I don't matter.  My friends are gone, so I don't matter.  I might just go hasta la vista, suckers.  That's how 15-year-old kids think - even the ones with solid homes.  How much more for broken ones.

Edited September 1, 2015 by anatess

[classylady]

I'm the step mom to two children who lived with their dad, not their bio mom.  So, I'm the one who basically raised them from the ages of 2 and 4.  I didn't have access to the internet back when I was raising them like I do now.  I have done extensive reading lately on raising step children.  I wish I knew then what I know now.  I probably did everything wrong.  I was the disciplinarian, which can be a big no-no between step parent and child.  What I did right, was that I loved them.

 

Anyways, the best thing mom and step dad can do is let the child know they love him.  My step daughter has confided in me that she wishes we would have been more open, such as allowing her to talk more about her bio mom.  We didn't disallow her talking about her bio mom, but it was a touchy subject, so she probably felt she couldn't talk about her mom.  So she bottled things up inside instead of talking about them.  I wish I had known this.  I would have tried to get her to open up more.  But, then again, as a teenager, she probably would have resisted any effort on my part or her dads.  Teenagers can be so touchy.  I believe mom needs to be open about the past, talk about why the son is here with her now, let him know how glad she is that he's here, and tell him that she loves him on a regular basis.  It may not solve anything, but it will go a long ways in helping him come to grips about his life.

[pkstpaul]

I tought about this during lunch.... the Church should be aware of his move and the YM president should look him up.  I know you are talking about inactives, but someone could slip the clerk the boys name and birthdate and the records will come. A good YM president will work on some fellowship activities. It is something that probably didn't happen in Florida, as "in the mission field" wards and branches are disfunctional relative to large wards in Utah.

[Bini]

If anything, I would bring the church thing up with his mum and see how she feels, as she and her husband are inactive. From my understanding, the whole family has been inactive for years, I don't know that the kids have ever attended church, ever - so a good chance the teen isn't even baptised.

 

My husband is the kind of person who would make an excellent mentor, unfortunately, his time is very limited and taking on a troubled teen would not be practical. But a programme like Big Brothers is a good idea! Hadn't thought of that.

[priesthoodpower]

There are only two options with this teenager.

 

1. Love him while watching him make bad decisions

2. Hate/Punish him while watching him make bad decisions

 

My whole reasoning for the two options is that he seems to be going down a path of destruction, hurting himself or hurting others, both of which are not good outcomes. You will have to give him more slack then normal, keep in mind that he is only 3 years away from becoming an adult and leaving the house, do all you can to help him be independent so he can leave and be on his own and will no longer be your problem, think military.

 

Basically be as loving as you can until you can get him out of your house. lol, sad but true.

[Windseeker]

Do you know why the son is now living with his mom?

 

I don't have a problem with taking away his phone. He is living under your friends roof and needs to learn to be respectful. He needs structure, boundaries and of course lots of love.

 

Your friend needs to help him understand what the difference between a privilege and a right. He does not have a right to a phone. If he wants to speak to his father they could let him use another phone or skype to contact him.

 

Three books I highly recommend when dealing with teens.

 

How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk

 

Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings

 

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too

 

I'm reading the one about siblings currently. These books not only have helped me with my children but improved my relationship with my wife. 

 

I'm in a blended family and my four children live with me along with two nephews. 

 

One thing I've learned is that it only takes one parent who makes the effort to parent properly and listen that can make all the difference in a child's life. It's obviously ideal if both parents were on the same page, but as long as there is one the child can grow to be healthy and productive.

 

My wife and I agree on a many things but some things she has a hard time grasping. One is allowing a child to communicate. Rarely will I punish kids for feeling and expressing their feelings. Bottling up emotions is never a good thing. My wife recently sent my son (her 20 year old step son) to his room...

 

..that means I got to go in his room and let him vent for 30 min. While the situation isn't ideal I'm doing my best to navigate this family I have been blessed with, and learn as much as I can along the way, which is all your friend can do with her situation.