Is Leaving the right choice? Or a cowards choice

[amandat]

I find myself in a very awkward situation. Not just awkward, but a personal and heartbreaking situation. The reason for my post is to anonymously post my situation and get peoples feedback and opinions. So yeah.

Once again, awkward and heartbreaking situation. I find myself facing divorce.

My husband and I have been best friends and known each other for 10 years, married for 5 of those. And we have two amazing children. Last year our relationship and my husband went threw an incredible difficult year. My husband didn't know if he made the right choice marring so young, if he still wanted marriage or his freedom, and was struggling with anxiety and depression. Because of these personal conflicts our relationship suffered greatly. The out come was my husband turning to drugs and alcohol as an escape and ended up having both an emotional and sexual affair. We separated after he finally confessed to what I had suspected all along and he mocked me for thinking such things....but they turned out to be true. After the separation my husband received some clarity and realized what a huge mistake he had made and how much he missed and loved me, couldn't live without me. So I agreed to try again, because I loved him, and I would feel stupid for not giving us a real chance of fixing this. So he promised to never contact her again, never do drugs again, get medicine to help with the anxiety and depression, and go to counseling. On top of that he said he would try to gain back the testimony he lost. So we were happy, bought a house together and were making real progress. months later he confesses he had a relapse with the drugs (three months earlier cause he thought he wouldn't need to tell me cause it was just a slip up) well in this slip up he had sex with her again.....and got her pregnant...

He didn't want to have sex with her, I know that, and he told her that, he just wanted drugs....well she wanted more, and gave him a little more drug then he wanted and..well you know what happened.

So it was a mistake that led to dire consequences. And I was originally willing to work with him on his problems. but im not so sure this is something we can work past anymore. We will have a living breathing reminder, forever. And yes he promises to be better and more aware of himself, but he is also afraid of himself, he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me more. And he is self aware and knows right now it might be easy to give up drugs but worries that he might change his mind in the future, worries he might WANT an affair in the future. And if he cant trust himself to not repeat these major offences how can I? After him already breaking my heart and trust twice!?

We love each other and want to be together, we ultimately are perfect for each other, but with the choices he made I don't know if we can go forward. For the first time I don't know if love is enough. And if it does happen again there will be so much pain, anger and hate. I don't see myself being so forgiving a third time. So for us and our kids we think its better to end things now, on good terms, without risking making things worse.

 

Is this the right choice?

Should we press forward and not fear the "what if"? Is love enough? Is this a cowards choice?

Or is this a healthy choice, smart and logical?

What would you do?

[Guest]

Is this the right choice?

Should we press forward and not fear the "what if"? Is love enough? Is this a cowards choice?

Or is this a healthy choice, smart and logical?

What would you do?

 

Just a few things out of the way:

The Right Choice can only be determined by You.  You're the only one that can judge how this is affecting your family especially your children.  Same goes with which choice is healthy, smart, or logical.

 

There is no "coward's choice" in this situation.  Either way you go, it's a tough road that requires strength that only few of us have.

 

Is love enough?  Of course, it is.  The greatest commandment is Love.  Love God, Love your Neighbors (in your case, your neighbor is your husband).  There's no "Except when..." condition to that commandment.  Heavenly Father set in motion the Plan for our Salvation because of Love.  Jesus Christ died on the cross because of Love.  The only way we can survive is if we learn to Love - that same Love patterned after Heavenly Father and Christ's love for us.

 

Okay, that said...

 

I'm Filipino.  In the Philippines, divorce is illegal.  So, I grew up with the principle of lifelong marriages and how that can possibly work especially in cases like this.  So, I'm going to give you that side of your choices to give you a bit of perspective.

 

No divorce in the Philippines is possible because of the teaching that the Marriage Covenant is a promise to bring yourself and your spouse closer to Christ.  Therefore, no matter what the circumstances are, your objective remains the same - what should I do so I can bring myself and my spouse closer to Christ?  Divorce, in the eyes of the Filipino, is basically saying - I don't want to fulfill that promise to my husband anymore - I want to make that promise with someone else.  In the Philippines - legal separation is allowed.  But legal separation is not divorce - it doesn't allow you to remarry.  So, the gist of this particular quirk in the culture is - if you can't fulfill this promise to one person, then there's no guarantee at all that you can fulfill this promise to someone else.

 

So, if I was in this situation, the way I would look at this is.... I have a husband who I want to bring closer to Christ but he is failing.  What can I do to help him get back on the path to Christ?  Therefore, any action he does - drugs, infidelity, etc. - I don't see as an offense against me.  Rather, it's an offense against God who the promise of the marital covenant was made to.  Therefore, I will do everything in my power to help him overcome this sinfulness as I also do everything in my power to help me overcome my sinfulness.  Then, even if it's just one little step forward to Christ, at least we're getting closer.  We might have to do more steps back before we can go forward again, but my sight needs to be focused on getting to Christ.

 

Now, my husband is not the only person in the family.  I also have a responsibility to bring my kids closer to Christ.  And it might be that the best way for me to achieve bringing all of us closer to Christ is to put a physical separation between my husband and the rest of the family to insulate the members of the family from the sinfulness of my husband.  Drugs can be very damaging to a home.  If the children get their hands on that thing... that could be a dark road for them.  So, it might be necessary for me to put space between us.  But that doesn't mean that I'm washing my hands off my husband.  I would still try my best to fulfill my covenants to bring him closer to Christ even if the only thing I can do is help him from a distance.

 

In the US, there's no legal separation laws... there's only divorce laws.  So, it might be that I'll have to file for divorce to insulate our finances and our property from my husband's drug use.  But, the divorce is merely a legal paper.  It doesn't affect my promise to God in my marital covenant to my husband and making that same promise to someone else is not something I would want to take on.

 

As far as the child from the other woman.  That child is blameless and spotless of sin.  I wouldn't see him as a reminder of my husband's infidelity.  Rather, he is a reminder that he too is a Child of God and is worthy of the protections of the marital covenant.  It sounds like his own mother may not be equipped to raise this child being a drug dealer.  If I had any power over the mother, I would request that the child be legally put under my care.  He would have a better chance at getting closer to Christ with me working diligently in trying to keep all the plates spinning even as it is going to be very difficult with the situation with my husband... as he would be left with his mother who deals drugs and has no issue with stealing husbands in the process.

 

Just my thoughts on the matter from my unique perspective.  Hope this helps.

Edited October 6, 2015 by anatess

[pkstpaul]

Life is difficult in many ways. You have a very difficult situation. I don't think it a coward choice to leave, but I don't think it necessarily the right choice. Unless there is some specific recurring abuse, my feeling is to make things work and keep an eternal perspective. Avoid 'in the moment' decisions, even if the moment lasts a few years. That is the nature of our lives and the nature of marriage.

 

I think you will be supported in any decision you make. You would be justified in leaving. But, look at the life you would have then. It will be hard too. Very hard.

 

Bless you for trying so hard.

[omegaseamaster75]

You should leave, what kind of an example are you setting for your kids if they think that it is OK for mommy be be run over by a terrible person. Now he got some other girl pregnant? It's the stuff nightmares are made of. I feel bad for you I really do.

 

1. Hire a good lawyer

 

2. Kick him out

 

3. Pound him into oblivion, Alimony, child support, etc, etc. 

[omegaseamaster75]

 Unless there is some specific recurring abuse, my feeling is to make things work and keep an eternal perspective. Avoid 'in the moment' decisions, even if the moment lasts a few years. That is the nature of our lives and the nature of marriage.

 

.

There is reoccurring abuse!!!!! 

 

Drugs and unsafe sex!

 

She has kids!!! this is not an environment for them. If they had no kids fine she can suffer for an eternity with a guy who does not love her. She needs to not be selfish and think about her kids

[mordorbund]

 

There is reoccurring abuse!!!!! 

 

Drugs and unsafe sex!

 

She has kids!!! this is not an environment for them. If they had no kids fine she can suffer for an eternity with a guy who does not love her. She needs to not be selfish and think about her kids

 

You should leave, what kind of an example are you setting for your kids if they think that it is OK for mommy be be run over by a terrible person. Now he got some other girl pregnant? It's the stuff nightmares are made of. I feel bad for you I really do.

 

1. Hire a good lawyer

 

2. Kick him out

 

3. Pound him into oblivion, Alimony, child support, etc, etc. 

 

You raise a good point about the drug abuse. But with regards to the unsafe sex and getting a girl pregnant - her description of events is that he was raped.

 

....

 

months later he confesses he had a relapse with the drugs (three months earlier cause he thought he wouldn't need to tell me cause it was just a slip up) well in this slip up he had sex with her again.....and got her pregnant...

He didn't want to have sex with her, I know that, and he told her that, he just wanted drugs....well she wanted more, and gave him a little more drug then he wanted and..well you know what happened.

 

...

 

[Guest MormonGator]

You should leave, what kind of an example are you setting for your kids if they think that it is OK for mommy be be run over by a terrible person. Now he got some other girl pregnant? It's the stuff nightmares are made of. I feel bad for you I really do.

 

1. Hire a good lawyer

 

2. Kick him out

 

3. Pound him into oblivion, Alimony, child support, etc, etc. 

 This was my first reaction too, and I still sort of feel that way. When it comes to addictions, I have my own problems-so I can't say anything about that. The infidelity and getting another woman pregnant is the grave concern.

 

One of the most memorable moments of my life was when a 60ish year old woman, talking about her divorce twenty years ago said "I have long since forgiven my husband for having an affair. I will never forgive myself for breaking up my family." She never remarried, he did and lived happily ever after. I've seen couples where one strayed and they are still together and very happy.

I'm not telling you to do anything. I have no right too. My heart shatters for your situation and I'm praying for you. 

 

Edited October 6, 2015 by MormonGator

[Guest]

 

One of the most memorable moments of my life was when a 60ish year old woman, talking about her divorce twenty years ago said "I have long since forgiven my husband for having an affair. I will never forgive myself for breaking up my family." She never remarried, he did and lived happily ever after. I've seen couples where one strayed and they are still together and very happy.

 

 

Yes.  My in-laws went through this and they stayed together.  It was very very difficult for them to get back on track but they did.  They went through disciplinary action at the church but now... 20-some years later, he's now the bishop of the ward and she's in the RS Presidency.  She developed some mental issues - went through 3 nervous breakdowns and had a child die in the middle of it all, and had some really whacky results from the psychotropics she was put on and so she was never the same but both of them are staying strong through it all supporting each other.

[Guest MormonGator]

Yes.  My in-laws went through this and they stayed together.  It was very very difficult for them to get back on track but they did.  They went through disciplinary action at the church but now... 20-some years later, he's now the bishop of the ward and she's in the RS Presidency.  She developed some mental issues - went through 3 nervous breakdowns and had a child die in the middle of it all, and had some really whacky results from the psychotropics she was put on and so she was never the same but both of them are staying strong through it all supporting each other.

 Yeah, it's tough. I'm so sorry for your in laws and the OP. I can't imagine the horror all of you went through. 

[omegaseamaster75]

 

 

 

 

You raise a good point about the drug abuse. But with regards to the unsafe sex and getting a girl pregnant - her description of events is that he was raped.

 

 

 Raped....that's a good one...

Edited October 6, 2015 by beefche
removed offensive acronym

[Guest]

Raped....that's a good one...

 

I'm thinking about this and I'm thinking... that could be true.  I mean - she's a drug dealer, he's a drug addict... she has the power.  It is very possible that he had no choice but to succumb because he needs the drugs.  That would be rape.  I mean - if the drug dealer was a male and the drug addict a female, this wouldn't even be a question.

Edited October 6, 2015 by beefche
removed offensive acronym

[pkstpaul]

There is reoccurring abuse!!!!! 

 

Drugs and unsafe sex!

 

She has kids!!! this is not an environment for them. If they had no kids fine she can suffer for an eternity with a guy who does not love her. She needs to not be selfish and think about her kids

These are events outside the home, not something the kids are subjected to. There is a path to repentance and forgiveness. That should be considered first, not abandoing the marriage. Think of the kids growing up in a single parent home where our government supports you only to the level of poverty. That isn't right either.

[Guest MormonGator]

These are events outside the home, not something the kids are subjected to. There is a path to repentance and forgiveness. That should be considered first, not abandoing the marriage. Think of the kids growing up in a single parent home where our government supports you only to the level of poverty. That isn't right either.

 Omega has a point. The wife and children are the innocent victims here. It's all on the husband. 

You have a point too. Divorce takes everything a kid holds dear and shatters it. My parents never divorced, thank God, but I saw friends whose parents did. 

[omegaseamaster75]

These are events outside the home, not something the kids are subjected to. There is a path to repentance and forgiveness. That should be considered first, not abandoing the marriage. Think of the kids growing up in a single parent home where our government supports you only to the level of poverty. That isn't right either.

So he practices unsafe sex outside the home, but at home he is he takes every precaution?

 

This all comes into the home, physically and emotionally. You can't protect your kids from the emotional damage that daddy is doing to mommy.

[Just_A_Guy]

Raped....that's a good one...

 

I wouldn't be charitable towards Dad either, simply on the grounds that through his substance abuse he pretty much opened the door to the other stuff which has repercussions for mother and children.

 

But, a man who gets a woman drunk and then has intercourse with her risks expulsion from university--and even criminal charges--for "rape".  The only reason not to label the same charge against a woman who gets a man drunk and then has intercourse with him, is if you subscribe to the tired and sexist gender-based stereotype that men always "want it".

[mdfxdb]

Addiction

Abuse

Adultery

 

Sounds like he checked at least two off the list (more than once).  Maybe even three if you consider repeat offense as equating Abuse.

 

Follow Omega's advice. 

[BeccaKirstyn]

 Raped....that's a good one...

Yes. Men can be victims of rape. Especially when there are substances involved. If he did not mentally consent, then it is rape. Can men become physically aroused? Yes. This is even prominent in women who are raped. Sex is a biological function where biological responses happen. If this man did not want to have sex with this woman, was given drugs to reduce his ability to be mentally coherent, and the woman proceeded to coerce him into sex, then it is rape. 

[omegaseamaster75]

Yes. Men can be victims of rape. Especially when there are substances involved. If he did not mentally consent, then it is rape. Can men become physically aroused? Yes. This is even prominent in women who are raped. Sex is a biological function where biological responses happen. If this man did not want to have sex with this woman, was given drugs to reduce his ability to be mentally coherent, and the woman proceeded to coerce him into sex, then it is rape. 

I get it, but that's still pretty thin and quite frankly if it was with someone he was not involved with sexually in the past I might buy that bridge.

 

He had a history with this woman, he knew what he was getting into and the "one" time she happened to get pregnant? Sorry it's a non starter.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

This is a really tough situation, and as others have pointed out, only you can know what is the right decision.  No leaving is not cowardly.  Something I love about the responses so far is that they run from one end of the spectrum to the other, which I see as good because it is possible that either choice will be the right one.  If only we had a crystal ball . . .  

 

My thought after pondering is that I like what Anatess said, but I'm worried about your children being in a house where drugs are being used as Omegamaster(?) said.  So my answer is a combination of these two.  I think a good thing to prayerfully consider (again only you can figure out what is right for you) is to separate...separate homes....to keep the children away from the drugs, drama, fighting.  But don't officially divorce him YET.  Let him know that you will take him back when he gets clean and sober for a year (or whatever amount of time you prayerfully decide).  

 

If he truly wants to reform, this will give him time and space to do it.  He may fall deeper into his addictions, and then I think divorce would be unavoidable, but he may actually use this time to clean up his life. If you two can survive this, you could have a beautiful marriage...beautiful marriages come from two people getting through obstacles together and growing closer together...but it takes two...he has to do his part.

 

It is understandable that he may have a few drug relapses, but if he sleeps with that woman again, I would probably serve him divorce papers.  

 

Either path you choose is going to be painful...so either choice is not cowardly.  Stay close to the Lord.  HE does have that crystal ball.  He knows what is best for all of you.  And He is the best one to support you and help you through the difficult days ahead.  

[Just_A_Guy]

I get it, but that's still pretty thin and quite frankly if it was with someone he was not involved with sexually in the past I might buy that bridge.

 

He had a history with this woman, he knew what he was getting into and the "one" time she happened to get pregnant? Sorry it's a non starter.

 

*Shrug*  Men have been kicked out of college--and, yes, convicted and sent to jail--under similar-but-reversed circumstances.

Edited October 7, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[Backroads]

I'm with LP. A separation for such period of time might be the happy medium, so to speak. Drugs and murky sexual relationships are not good for a family, and divorce here (and I wouldn't blame you for a divorce in this situation) might be too extreme especially if you feel on the fence about it. 

 

At this point with all this going on, he's going to have to put on his big-boy pants and make some decisions and perhaps being separated is the best way to do it.

[Leah]

*Shrug*  Men have been kicked out of college--and, yes, convicted and sent to jail--under similar-but-reversed circumstances.

 

I understand the point you are trying to make and don't necessarily disagree with it but.....this guy has a history of lies, deceit and of cheating with this woman. 

 

If it were my husband, I think I would - at the minimum - be looking cross-eyed at his story of not wanting the sex this time, and it was all the other woman's fault because even though he did go to her for "drugs", she somehow forced him to take more of these mysterious drugs than he wanted to and that's the only reason he had sex with her.

 

Sure, it could be true.  Or it could be his way of trying to shirk responsibility for his actions and place the blame elsewhere.

 

Oh..and the OP refers to the drug-seeking and infidelity as a "mistake".   This was not a whoopsie-doodle-I-meant-to-do-x-and-not-y kind of moment.  He made repeated CHOICES to do drugs and have sex outside his marriage.

[Guest]

Oh..and the OP refers to the drug-seeking and infidelity as a "mistake".   This was not a whoopsie-doodle-I-meant-to-do-x-and-not-y kind of moment.  He made repeated CHOICES to do drugs and have sex outside his marriage.

 

That's what drugs do to you.  It literally overpowers your senses so that even when you know it is wrong, you end up still doing it.

 

I have a cousin who was a very religious, very goal-oriented, very smart woman who got involved with drugs.  She realized her life is spinning out of control so she got herself cleaned up and got a stable job.  She had a baby and when the baby was less than a year old, she met a friend of hers from her druggie days and next thing we know, she lost her job and went to her aunt to get money because she has no more money to feed the baby.  On her way home from her aunt, the dealer saw her and managed to sell her more drugs with the milk money.  The baby went hungry for an entire day before she plucked up the courage to ask her aunt for money again.  She was broken up with remorse for what she did... the aunt gave her money and had her followed... and sure enough, the dealer crossed her path again and she tried to do the right thing but did not have the strength to do it - she spent the money... again... for a single hit of whatever drug that guy was selling knowing that her baby hasn't had anything but water for almost 2 days now.

 

That dealer had the power to get her to abandon her only child.  Getting her to take off her clothes would be a piece of cake.

 

She never really got completely out of it until she got sequestered by her parents.  When she got cleaned up for the 2nd time, her husband who was in New Zealand, managed to get her a job there too and so she moved with her baby to be with her husband.  She stayed clean and now she's the amazing mother of 4 awesome kids and is doing a great job at work even getting awards and such.

 

I can tell you several other stories of this from people close to me who got involved with drugs.  Once you get yourself in it, the drugs start to do the thinking for you so much so that you are just completely not in control of anything.  It's a nasty spiral and it is a very, very rare person that can get out of it on their own.  Usually, you will need very strong intervention.  Even Rehab has a high repeat rate after graduating out of it.   It takes several trips to the Rehab to get you completely rehabilitated.

Edited October 7, 2015 by anatess

[Bee Sweet]

Divorce is a problem in itself. Sometimes it only heaps more problems on everyone involved. The Father now has visitation,

the children are exposed to girlfriends, step-mothers, step-fathers-step siblings, etc., It can be a nightmare. A child needs their own Father and Mother.

 

Having said that, can a Mother be happy and effective with her children while enduring such stress? Not to mention

your health and the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases.

 

If you love him so much, and feel there is hope, get help, counsel with your Bishop, and I would go so far as to say,

3 strikes and your out.

[Bini]

Get. Out.

 

Do it while you and your children can. Enough damage has been done and there comes a point where you have to decide what quality of life you're willing to expose your children to. Don't second guess yourself and guilt trip yourself into thinking that walking away is a cowardly act. Sometimes, and by what you've described, doing so would in fact be an act of strength. Protect your children and protect yourself. I doubt you're thinking much about remarrying at this point, but if you're even the least bit worried about finding a supportive companion in the future - DON'T - there are still good and honest men out there that will treat you as an equal, respect you, and love you and your children.

 

Ending note, lots of resources out there for women in your situation. Last year I helped a friend of mine get out of a very very similar situation with her husband, and they have four children, and it was the best decision she'd ever made since things had gone south. It wasn't easy but quality of life is healthier and safer for her and her children.

 

Good luck.