Is Leaving the right choice? Or a cowards choice

[Guest]

PLEASE in the name of all that is good and holy, get yourself OUT!!!

 

Do not let the relationship destroy you.  That is clearly what is happening.  I agree with the Abuse, Addiction, Adultery standard noted earlier.  And he's three for three multiple times.  GET OUT!!!

 

You've already given him a second chance on things many don't even get a second chance on.  We can love and forgive a lion for biting our hands.  But we don't place our hands in its mouth again to prove we forgive it.  We just don't hold a grudge.  And if he's still in the middle of recovery, sure offer emotional support.  But don't let the poison into your life.  GET OUT!!!

 

This is what is called a toxic relationship.  You can love someone without wanting their poison into your life.  GET OUT!!!

 

I doubt you will ever be able to depend on alimony with where his life is headed.  But make sure you get custody of the kids and no visitation from the dad so far as the laws in your state allow.  But GET OUT!!!

[pkstpaul]

 

Do not let the relationship destroy you.  That is clearly what is happening.  I agree with the Abuse, Addiction, Adultery standard noted earlier.  And he's three for three multiple times.  GET OUT!!!

 

This is what is called a toxic relationship.  You can love someone without wanting their poison into your life.  GET OUT!!!

It's not a relationship. It is a marriage.

 

Maybe in some white-bread world people are clean and pure and don't make mistakes.

 

How easy it is to forget being young. Many of the people posting probably know little of drug abuse. It shows in the posts that think this guy is sitting around the house stoned. That isn't what was stated.

 

Is anyone on this forum willing to take her in? Do you think she's going to just be able to stay put and collect victum funds and life then be void of trauma and the kids well adjusted.

 

This is life. Things are hard. Marriage can be hard. But marriage is two people working, not running.

 

Maybe she leaves. I already said I would agree with the decision, but I'm not advocating it.

[Vort]

It's not a relationship. It is a marriage.

 

Maybe in some white-bread world people are clean and pure and don't make mistakes.

 

How easy it is to forget being young. Many of the people posting probably know little of drug abuse. It shows in the posts that think this guy is sitting around the house stoned. That isn't what was stated.

 

Is anyone on this forum willing to take her in? Do you think she's going to just be able to stay put and collect victum funds and life then be void of trauma and the kids well adjusted.

 

This is life. Things are hard. Marriage can be hard. But marriage is two people working, not running.

 

Maybe she leaves. I already said I would agree with the decision, but I'm not advocating it.

 

Agreed. It is both easy and dangerous -- very dangerous -- to encourage another person to leave her spouse. This is tenfold more the case when the person you're advising is an anonymous internet poster giving you one perspective of the problem.

 

We should think long and hard, and then think again, before advising another to leave her spouse.

[mrmarklin]

To you people that would allow a drug user any where near one's life and one's children's lives, I'm at a loss as to what to say to you.

We are not in the same world experience wise.

This wife needs a separation at a minimum until her spouse is clean and sober, and since he is a two time loser, with a child out of wedlock and all that that entails, a divorce is likely most indicated.

OP asked for advice. Here's mine. Get. Out.

[Guest]

It's not a relationship. It is a marriage.

 

Maybe in some white-bread world people are clean and pure and don't make mistakes.

 

How easy it is to forget being young. Many of the people posting probably know little of drug abuse. It shows in the posts that think this guy is sitting around the house stoned. That isn't what was stated.

 

Gee, I'm on here less than a week and you've got me all figured out, don't you?

 

I'm not going to get into a game of one-upsmanship here because that's not what this is about.  But I will clear the road and say that I really do know EXACTLY what she is going through.

 

As you say, it's easy for people to sit in the cheap seats and give the justifications or rationalizations.  

 

 

Amanda,

 

I know what you're talking about.  I read every word.

I know what I'm talking about.  I meant every word.

 

Situations like this are very difficult to determine what is the right thing.  So many factors.  So many consequences, none of them pleasant.  So many unknowns.  And that is the big fear.  You don't know.

 

I know what the consequences are.  It won't be easy.  You may end up in poverty and live in tough neighborhoods.  You may have many social repercussions.  But accepting him as he is will have far more dire consequences for you and all around you.

 

Pray about it and don't do things because you think you should or shouldn't.  At this point, you can't depend on your own judgment, and especially not the advice of others.  Make the decision because the Lord is telling you to do it.

 

No rationalizations or justifications intellectual or emotional.

No trusting in the arm of learned flesh.

No application of rules or even commandments.

No fear, but have faith in the Lord in all things.

 

Just listen to the Lord.  In a situation like this that is the only way to know.  And this is one of those situations as Elder Holland said where you can "demand" the help of heaven.

Edited October 9, 2015 by Guest

[Leah]

That's what drugs do to you.  It literally overpowers your senses so that even when you know it is wrong, you end up still doing it.

 

I have a cousin who was a very religious, very goal-oriented, very smart woman who got involved with drugs.  She realized her life is spinning out of control so she got herself cleaned up and got a stable job.  She had a baby and when the baby was less than a year old, she met a friend of hers from her druggie days and next thing we know, she lost her job and went to her aunt to get money because she has no more money to feed the baby.  On her way home from her aunt, the dealer saw her and managed to sell her more drugs with the milk money.  The baby went hungry for an entire day before she plucked up the courage to ask her aunt for money again.  She was broken up with remorse for what she did... the aunt gave her money and had her followed... and sure enough, the dealer crossed her path again and she tried to do the right thing but did not have the strength to do it - she spent the money... again... for a single hit of whatever drug that guy was selling knowing that her baby hasn't had anything but water for almost 2 days now.

 

That dealer had the power to get her to abandon her only child.  Getting her to take off her clothes would be a piece of cake.

 

She never really got completely out of it until she got sequestered by her parents.  When she got cleaned up for the 2nd time, her husband who was in New Zealand, managed to get her a job there too and so she moved with her baby to be with her husband.  She stayed clean and now she's the amazing mother of 4 awesome kids and is doing a great job at work even getting awards and such.

 

I can tell you several other stories of this from people close to me who got involved with drugs.  Once you get yourself in it, the drugs start to do the thinking for you so much so that you are just completely not in control of anything.  It's a nasty spiral and it is a very, very rare person that can get out of it on their own.  Usually, you will need very strong intervention.  Even Rehab has a high repeat rate after graduating out of it.   It takes several trips to the Rehab to get you completely rehabilitated.

Are you saying that a drug addict is never responsible for any of their choices? At what point precisely does the releasing of them from all responsibility occur? With their first drink or joint?

I know more than a few experts and addicts who would disagree with you.

[Guest MormonGator]

Are you saying that a drug addict is never responsible for any of their choices? At what point precisely does the releasing of them from all responsibility occur? With their first drink or joint?

I know more than a few experts and addicts who would disagree with you.

Speaking as an addict who has been sober for a few years now, I agree with you Leah, but I don't think that was what  Anatess was saying. 

Edited October 9, 2015 by MormonGator

[Guest]

Speaking as an addict who has been sober for a few years now, I agree with you Leah, but I don't think that was what  Anatess was saying. 

 

Yeah.  I've been processing one of the Oregon victim's families' reaction to one of the presidential candidates' interview and I'm shaking my head.  I don't understand how one can completely twist what a person is trying to express.  The only explanation I can come up with is... they just don't want to understand what the guy is saying because they're too wrapped up in their own point-of-view.

 

I guess we all get like this sometimes.

 

And that's all I can say about that.

Edited October 9, 2015 by anatess

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Yeah. I've been processing one of the Oregon victim's families' reaction to one of the presidential candidates' interview and I'm shaking my head. I don't understand how one can completely twist what a person is trying to express. The only explanation I can come up with is... they just don't want to understand what the guy is saying because they're too wrapped up in their own point-of-view.

I guess we all get like this sometimes.

And that's all I can say about that.

LOL, I need to save this and quote you next it happens to me. You think you are being perfectly clear and yet . . .

[pkstpaul]

I'm not sure what it is about online discussions that make people think in the extreme. They talk in the extreme and they listen in the extreme. We are constantly being asked for "proof" as if we are declaring ourselves professors of a topic rather than an observer with an opinion. Here we are as a community sharing ideas every day and yet we are accused of being irrational on specific statements.

Edited October 9, 2015 by pkstpaul

[Guest]

LOL, I need to save this and quote you next it happens to me. You think you are being perfectly clear and yet . . .

 

Guilty.  LOL.

[Guest]

I'm not sure what it is about online discussions that make people think in the extreme. They talk in the extreme and they listen in the extreme. We are constantly being asked for "proof" as if we are declaring ourselves professors of a topic rather than an observer with an opinion. Here we are as a community sharing ideas every day and yet we are accused of being irrational on specific statements.

 

So, you don't believe this is an extreme situation that she's describing?  I sure do.  Extreme situations generate extreme feelings and thoughts.  And they require extreme measures.

 

If you think about it, given the circumstances, either choice (stay or go) will be an extreme one.

 

Just because someone disagrees with you, doesn't mean they're calling you irrational.