help hugging my teenage porcupine

[Windseeker]

Hey Folks, 

 

Been a stressful couple of months. Found marajuana and cigarettes in my 16 year old daughters room as well as found out she has been sexually active with her boyfriend. This boyfriend she broke up with year ago because he was pressuring her and now she has basically given in and they are together. Since this all came to light we have taken away her phone, computer privliges and grounded her from dating. A couple of weeks later I found more cigarettes so I removed the door from her room. She has her own bathroom and the entry to her room is L-shaped so she still has her privacy. She goes to Church and Seminary because we make it mandetory but she says she does not believe in a Heavenly Father and thinks religion is lame. It was scary coming down on her because she attempted suicide last year but so far so good. She is angry and self-destructive. I still feel a little sketchy about denying her contact (as much as we can) with her 18 year old boy friend. I have noticed her spending more time with the familiy and being more social which is good.

 

Anyway..I'm scoring all kinds of life experience here despite the stress. 

 

I know there is allot of shared experience on this board and just want to know how you might handle things differently under similar circumstances or if you have any advice?

[Vort]

I have no wisdom to offer you, Windseeker, but you have my sympathy and best hopes.

[Jane_Doe]

I'll second Vort in that regard.

 

You've already move the big-stick measures, and these are probably good.  In the mean time, I would try to find something enjoyable to do with her-- maybe even let her pick out the activity.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I have noticed her spending more time with the familiy and being more social which is good.

I agree that is a very good sign. Remember that anger is quite often a way we deal with pain. That and you mentioned she attempted suicide last year suggest she is really hurting and turning all the wrong directions to find help for the pain...unfortunately her behaviors will only cause her more pain.

So my thought is similar to Jane. If I were you I would work on getting her to talk to you about what's bothering her. This will be tricky because people (especially teens) will only open to someone they trust not to judge them...and the way most people parent is seen by teens as judging. I would suggest being prayerful about that. Is she in therapy or has she been? If she had a good bond with her therapist that could be helpful.

In short, I think you need to prayerfully consider what is causing this behavior. And treat the cause. I think so far you have been consequencing symptoms. You need to find the cause if you can.

Be sure you also have some ways to reinforce positve behaviors as well, it is human nature to forget that piece.

I haven't had this situation with my teenagers (4 so far) but I work with at risk teens. :) There's always something fueling the behavior sometimes we can get to it and help them, sometimes not. But we are not prayerful parents so you have an advantage. Be sure to let her know of your love even if you think she already knows.

Edited October 6, 2015 by LiterateParakeet

[BeccaKirstyn]

I would quote Elder Holland: "Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are."

My sympathy goes out to you. I cannot give you any advice from another "parent" perspective, because I am not one. I can give you my thoughts on the matter and you can take them or leave them, whichever is most helpful for you.

 

I would echo LiterateParakeet's words. There is a cause for this behavior. This is my own personal opinion, so disregard it if it's not something you accept, but I would think that she's resorting to marijuana and cigarettes as an escape. Teenage girls are participating in this behavior because of pressure from their friends/boyfriend, or are trying to find an escape from their emotions and situations. Something deeper I think is going on (maybe in regards to the boyfriend and his behavior towards her).

 

Do you know if the boyfriend is being verbally/emotionally/physically abusive? (I ask because of the pressure he put on her to have sex). Sometimes girls don't even recognize this when it is happening (I know, it sounds strange). When they are given information about what an abusive partner looks like, they'll deny that it's what is going on. But that information will stay with them, and hopefully they'll begin to see it in their significant other and want to leave for their own safety. No one can force someone out of an abusive relationship. The victim must choose to do so herself (or himself for any scenario). 

 

I would also echo the question of if she is in therapy? I know this is a taboo word in our cultural/society, but this can be a place of refuge for people with mental torment. I wouldn't force it though. Maybe require one session, and if she wants to go back she can, but if not I wouldn't make her. Therapy is only helpful when the client is voluntarily coming for help. 

 

Out of everything, I think you are probably doing everything you can and doing the best you can. Continue showing her your love. She's seeking out love and to be accepted from her boyfriend/friends, but it's not the love she's truly looking for. I hope that her heart will change and see how much you love her, and that the actions you've taken are out of love and not anger. My prayers go out to you and your family. 

[Palerider]

Hey Folks, 

 

Been a stressful couple of months. Found marajuana and cigarettes in my 16 year old daughters room as well as found out she has been sexually active with her boyfriend. This boyfriend she broke up with year ago because he was pressuring her and now she has basically given in and they are together. Since this all came to light we have taken away her phone, computer privliges and grounded her from dating. A couple of weeks later I found more cigarettes so I removed the door from her room. She has her own bathroom and the entry to her room is L-shaped so she still has her privacy. She goes to Church and Seminary because we make it mandetory but she says she does not believe in a Heavenly Father and thinks religion is lame. It was scary coming down on her because she attempted suicide last year but so far so good. She is angry and self-destructive. I still feel a little sketchy about denying her contact (as much as we can) with her 18 year old boy friend. I have noticed her spending more time with the familiy and being more social which is good.

 

Anyway..I'm scoring all kinds of life experience here despite the stress. 

 

I know there is allot of shared experience on this board and just want to know how you might handle things differently under similar circumstances or if you have any advice?

Tough times ......I feel the pain you are going thru as a parent. Those decisions you have made are tough. Our oldest daughter while in High School went crazy as I termed it ....after high school she moved out and in with boyfriend. It was very hard and tough during those years she was away. She did come back.

[Guest]

So sorry you're going through this Windseeker!  Unfortunately, our children have their own agency as well, so it can be really tough trying to figure out where the boundary of our discipline has to be and where her agency is given room to be exercised.

 

My only advice is to always make the home - and you - a safe haven with constant communication.  Try to figure out a way where she can be comfortable talking to you, expressing her inner self, even her inner demons.  She shouldn't feel at all ashamed or afraid to tell you about really difficult stuff including her loss of testimony and her feelings about God and all that stuff that we dread to hear.

 

Take comfort in Christ's promise that he will not give us what we can't bear.

[classylady]

Windseeker, if I remember correctly you have custody of your children. Do you think your daughter has issues due to your divorce to her mother, and you being the custodial parent?  She may be in a lot of emotional pain due to her mother not having custody.  This may be her way of lashing out.  It may be that she is in so much emotional pain that she can't understand how a loving Heavenly Father can allow this to happen.

 

My husband had custody of his two children from his previous marriage.  It was extremely hard on my stepdaughter, more so than her brother, though, they both have issues.  My stepdaughter understands intellectually why her father had custody, but emotionally, even though she is now 38 years old, it is still very painful for her.  Even, as an adult, like a young child, she still wishes her parents were together.  She won't admit that, but her behavior is often like a small child wishing her parents weren't divorced.  And, to this day, she feels like her biological mother wasn't "there" for her.  I understand why my stepdaughter has emotional issues.  How could she not have issues when she believes her mother more or less abandoned her?  She will tell us she's okay.  But, she is not.  She has a good relationship with her biological mother now, but she has those abandoned feelings from when she was a young child.

 

I don't know if your daughter is having similar issues like my stepdaughter.  But, I would imagine she most likely would.  Your daughter needs to know of your love for her.  She needs to know that her biological mother loves her, or at least cares about her to the best that she is capable of doing.  And, I agree with the other posters that she needs professional help.  I wish we would have gotten help for my stepdaughter, but we didn't know how much she was suffering.  She was a prickly pear all those years and never shared her true feelings.  I still feel guilty that we didn't know this.

[Windseeker]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the support and advice. 

 

Much of my daughters anger stems from an incident when she was around 7 where she was trapped and sexually assaulted by another girl who I believe was around 10 or 11. I was called at work and instructed my (then) wife to call the police, I didn't care what the age of the girl was and take her to a doctor. I found out recently that according to my daughters memory none of this was done. I was told it was,

 

So she is angry at her Mother and myself and Heavenly Father for letting her down. I believe rightfully so. I hated my parents when I was a teen and all they did was care about me...I really hated them caring so much..lol.

 

So I feel my daughters anger is understandable and it makes me hesitate every time whenever I have to punish her. But one thing I do know is that she is aware that I love her and care for her. I don't doubt that. 

 

She has been in therapy on and off again. She is also seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety. I'm looking again for a therapist and have no idea what I'm looking for but doing what I can. Florida has a growing number of members but member services are non-existent in the SE.

Edited October 7, 2015 by Windseeker

[Jane_Doe]

That makes a lot of sense Windseeker, and I can very much see through your daughter's eyes.  She needs a lot of love.

 

There are support groups for parents of sexually assaulted children, because it shatters the parent's world too-- at the time, and with the difficulties afterwards.  Have you tried checking one of them out?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I love Jane Doe's point about parents (you) need support too.

About your daughter, that makes so much sense. Being sexually abused can really mess with your mind, your emotions and your spirituality. I've been there. Her behavior makes perfect sense to me now. I don't mean I approve, but I certainly understand.

[LeSellers]

I know there is a lot of shared experience on this board and just want to know how you might handle things differently under similar circumstances or if you have any advice?

When anyone is sad, it doesn't matter why, the only reliable, long-term answer is service to others who are in a worse position than you are.

But it has to be meaningful service, and I believe it's service that not only meets the needs of the served, but of the server, too.

The optons are myriad, so pointing out one or two, or forty-two won't begin to cover the possibilites. I'd suggest, though, that your daughter choose someone or some group (children, old people, homeless, whomever) that she would like to see happier. (It might be helpful to define these before suggesting the goal of serving them -- teenagers often cower at an "assignment" and become even more porcupinish than usual.) Then help her figure out her own plan to make it happen. If she needs or wants your help --even if she doesn't know it, be there; but it must be her plan, her process, her effort. One thing: she need not know, at least at first nor for a long while, that the goal you have in making this suggestion is to make her better off.

Pain and sadness go away when you're helping others. It's a universal truth, and we should be grateful for its being universal: it's always there to help us out of our self-centered misery.

After all, that's what Jesus did.

Lehi

Edited November 11, 2015 by LeSellers

[Guest]

First of all, I want to lend my support for the actions you've taken so far.  It looks like you're doing everything you can think of and in the right way.

 

Second, I will own up to the fact that so far none of my children has shown these symptoms.  So, I'm grateful.

 

Third, I find that whenever any serious problem comes up there are two things to consider.

 

1) There is a deep and unmet need that needs to be filled.

2) The Spirit needs to not only be welcomed to the home or individual, but in some ways called or even demanded.

 

Elder Holland once said that it is a mother's prerogative to not only ask for, but even to demand the aid of heaven.  Other references I've read also indicate that the father has that right as well.  Either way, as a single parent (I'm assuming) you should have the right, when you've done everything you can humanly do, to demand the help of Heaven.  This is your child we're talking about.  Your most important role in this life is being threatened because of things that may be out of your control.  You NEED the help of Heaven.

 

That said, I ask you to be patient with anyone who says "all you have to do..." or something similar.  Nothing about raising children is just a cookbook.  People who don't know will think they are wise.  Those in the situation are at their wits end and are despairing of what to do next.  bottom line:  none can do it alone.