Law of Chastity and self-control in marriage


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Mods: I submit to your call on this thread as this seems at least a grey area.

So I follow a group on Facebook where there was a recent discussion on a new mom who says her husband has threatened possibly leaving her over the no-sex-for-six-weeks-after-childbirth advice. This led to quite the emotions from people and several stories where partners did actually leave, allegedly over the lack of sex for six weeks.

So, assuming such reports as true, is the LoC really so ignored that a legitimate lack of sex for a period of time qualifies as a reason to leave a marriage? Are those who practice chastity in possession of a stronger sense of self-control?

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What does he think that the men in the early church did, who were called away from their families for years at a time to serve missions? What does he think soldiers do when they're deployed or in training? (Hint: not what the world would say.) Should their wives have left them?

 

This is where we apply the scripture, "Bridle your passions, that ye may be filled with love." He is letting his "passions" overrule not only his love for his wife, but his concern for her welfare. He is not being a righteous husband or father. His concern should be for the health of his wife and the mother of his child. 

 

I'd suggest he take it up with the bishop. 

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As one who generally decries those who would avoid sex in marriage and whose sympathies generally lie with the spurned partner, I'm astounded that anyone would say or think such a thing. This plays exactly into the stereotype that men see their wives as nothing but objects. I suppose it is not surprising that, in this fallen and decadent world, such people exist, but I find it appalling that anyone outside a small minority might actually agree with them.

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I suppose it would come as no surprise that I would weigh in on this one.

 

I think it is completely nuts. I don't know how much of this is about the LoC or self-control, but my first thought is, "what kind of husband and father wants to completely throw away eternal marriage covenants over a little privation for 6 weeks while his wife is in post-partum recovery?" My personal reading and opinion on the nature of marriage covenants is that a few weeks of privation is not cause for breaking marriage vows.

 

If I wanted to introduce SSM to this, I would sugggest that this kind of attitude is more damaging to the meaning and definition of marriage than anything the LGBT minority might do to marriage.

 

Another part of me wants to boast, "6 weeks? You're upset over 6 weeks? Try six months or more."

 

IMO, there can be a lot of give and take in navigating sexual differences in marriage. If your wife is committed to you and your marriage (and, committed to getting things on when she has reasonably recovered), put on your big boy pants and deal with your temporary privation.

 

(mod note: clipped. . . we're walking a thin line here that's hard to judge, but I think this paragraph went just over)

 

I could even see such an ultimatum turning the wife off of wanting to resume sexual activity even after she has recovered. I wouldn't want to share a bed with me if I was that boorish.

Edited by Eowyn
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Mods: I submit to your call on this thread as this seems at least a grey area.

So I follow a group on Facebook where there was a recent discussion on a new mom who says her husband has threatened possibly leaving her over the no-sex-for-six-weeks-after-childbirth advice. This led to quite the emotions from people and several stories where partners did actually leave, allegedly over the lack of sex for six weeks.

So, assuming such reports as true, is the LoC really so ignored that a legitimate lack of sex for a period of time qualifies as a reason to leave a marriage? Are those who practice chastity in possession of a stronger sense of self-control?

Clearly these reports must be false who would be married to such a brute for more than 2 minutes?

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So I follow a group on Facebook where there was a recent discussion on a new mom who says her husband has threatened possibly leaving her over the no-sex-for-six-weeks-after-childbirth advice. This led to quite the emotions from people and several stories where partners did actually leave, allegedly over the lack of sex for six weeks.

So, assuming such reports as true, is the LoC really so ignored that a legitimate lack of sex for a period of time qualifies as a reason to leave a marriage? Are those who practice chastity in possession of a stronger sense of self-control?

 

 

I'm having a really difficult time believing that there are men who actually leave their wife for not having intercourse during the 6-8 weeks after she gives birth.  There's a medical reason for it--it isn't as if she is refusing him for a stupid reason.

 

If he is that hard up for sex, then he needs to see what he needs to change because he won't die or explode without sex for 6 weeks.. And, yes, there are other ways to have sexual intimacy between a couple.

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I'm having a really difficult time believing that there are men who actually leave their wife for not having intercourse during the 6-8 weeks after she gives birth.  There's a medical reason for it--it isn't as if she is refusing him for a stupid reason.

 

If he is that hard up for sex, then he needs to see what he needs to change because he won't die or explode without sex for 6 weeks.. And, yes, there are other ways to have sexual intimacy between a couple.

 

Actually, I wonder if people weren't intentionally trolling that thread. The claim is so absurd -- "I can't wait six whole weeks for lochia to finish!" -- that I'm a little dubious.

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I find it difficult to imagine anyone on these forums rushing to the defense of such a blatantly selfish act.

It kind of makes for a boring "discussion" if we all agree. Any volunteers to argue the opposing side, just so the thread doesn't become too boring?

 

Maybe, as Vort kind of suggested, that is what happened in the Facebook group. Someone needed to argue the opposing side just to provide an opposition for people to get riled up against.

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Actually, I wonder if people weren't intentionally trolling that thread. The claim is so absurd -- "I can't wait six whole weeks for lochia to finish!" -- that I'm a little dubious.

It's a mom group, so about as second-hand on what the husbands said as it goes. I actually found myself wondering the other side of the reports. There's taking medical leave and then there's just being mean about it.

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Okay. Suppose it's not about the sex. She is in the marriage and she gives the bare possible minimum as she see's it. A contractual type of deal. She uses this as an excuse for a 6 week out of the physical intimacy, and she really milks that medical excuse out for as long as possible.

More of a straw that broke the camels back if you will. /shrug.

Edited by jerome1232
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I agree...  I mean if it was 6 weeks for no discernible reason, on top of a prolonged period of being unable to reconcile sexual needs mismatch between Husband and Wife... Then maybe (but even then divorce is a huge deal)

 

But for a clear and common medical condition?

 

If such statements are true and not trolling then there are much bigger issues going on in that marriage.

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It's bad enough leaving a wife over 6 weeks of no sex.

 

But leaving a wife AND A NEWBORN BABY over 6 weeks of no sex... even NIcholas Sparks can't cook up that dumb of a character without very extensive and exhaustive back story to make it believable.

Edited by anatess
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Actually, I wonder if people weren't intentionally trolling that thread. The claim is so absurd -- "I can't wait six whole weeks for lochia to finish!" -- that I'm a little dubious.

 

Ditto.  Especially if these supposed guys said they saw her give birth.  Watching my wife go through that made me rather amazed that she only needed six weeks to recover enough to have sex again.

 

On the broader topic of the LoC and sexual self control, I think having sexual self control in marriage isn't guaranteed by somebody having lived the LoC, although it is a good sign if they did.  It isn't a matter of them having a greater capacity for self control, everybody has the capacity to obey God's commandments, but we may not always choose to use it and just because they did before doesn't always mean it will stay that way.

If someone comes into marriage with the attitude that since they waited, they are entitled to all the sex they want from their spouse that isn't going to go well.  For some it is easier to abstain totally then be in a sexual relationship and exercise restraint.  If they lived the LoC for the right reasons, with a healthy understanding of sexuality and realistic expectations, it should help prepare them for the sexual side of marriage, but it doesn't automatically mean they will do fine.  Look at King David, he was obedient, and he had several wives, yet he still crossed the line.  Likewise just because somebody made mistakes before marriage doesn't mean they are sure to misbehave in the marriage too, those experiences and repenting of them may leave somebody more committed to doing the right thing in the future than they would be otherwise.

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Sex is overrated.

 

Hmmm. I don't agree with this part. I think that, in general, sex is vastly underrated. It is one of the truly transcendent things we can participate in, yet people talk about it and treat it as if it were a mere bodily function, like eating or sleeping or pooping.

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Guest MormonGator

Hmmm. I don't agree with this part. I think that, in general, sex is vastly underrated. It is one of the truly transcendent things we can participate in, yet people talk about it and treat it as if it were a mere bodily function, like eating or sleeping or pooping.

 That's a good point. I think it's overrated in our society because people get obsessed with it. I've seen men and women destroy their lives over it. I know of people (none I consider my friends) who can only talk about sex. I find that shallow. 

Vort, I know you aren't one of those people. Just saying. And your point is a good one. 

Edited by MormonGator
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That's a good point. I think it's overrated in our society because people get obsessed with it. I've seen men and women destroy their lives over it.

This is true, but these same people I think don't fully value it, or understand what it is. Like a drug it is abused. IMHO who undervalues a narcotic, the man using it to responsibly manage pain or the man abusing it, obsessing over it and destroying his life for it? The abuse cheapens the value I think.

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 That's a good point. I think it's overrated in our society because people get obsessed with it. I've seen men and women destroy their lives over it. I know of people (none I consider my friends) who can only talk about sex. I find that shallow. 

Vort, I know you aren't one of those people. Just saying. And your point is a good one. 

 

This is an interesting perspective, and I agree. I just can't decide whether society is overrating or undervaluing sex. 

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