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Second Marriages


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#1 ldsgirl28

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Posted 05 November 2007 - 12:13 PM

I need some advice, I am in a second marriage, where we both have children from previous marriages. My two small children ages 7 and 10 and my husbands three teenagers 16, 18 & 19 live in our home. The children are great and they all get along. My husband is 20 years older than me and over the years he has built a successful business and has lived within his means. I have a good paying job and have been able to support my self and my two children with out the help of their father or government assistance, however my income is significantly less than my husband.

Prior to getting married my husband suggested I pay only for groceries and pay off any previous debt. We had both agreed with this, months later in a heated argument, my husband decieded he would change it to where we both contribute half. I didn't like the idea, but to please him, I went along. As we entered into the marriage, I realized I made a big mistake, not only was I contributing more than half my income, but I was also reasponsible for all the "womenly duties" cooking, cleaning, going to the market on my own, etc...I started to feel resentment towards my husband, feeling like I was carring more or the same as when I was a single mom, while my husband works 1-2 days a week and stays home. We have discussed finances on several occasions and I have expressed to him the burden this causes me but even bigger than that, I felt like he was not doing his "manly responsibilites" of being the provider. This has only led to bigger agruments as to why does he have to support my children, when he did not create them. I have set it aside in hopes that with time this would change, three weeks ago in another agument I told him I was only going to contribute to paying the food and household items, he said if I did we would sell where we live and move to the home where his children were raised. The first of the month came and I reminded him that I was only going to pay for the food and household items. This would be approximitly $570 less than what I normally pay. He threatened with a divorce. Yesterday he told me that he has an appointment for Tuesday to file. Throughout our relationship he has threatened with legal seperation & divorce I am geting tired of it, but I don't want my children or his children to have to deal with another divorce.

To be fair to my husband I must add, in the past 2.5 years (1yr 2 months dating, 1 year 4 months married) he has treated me to an expensive honey moon, took me on a trip to Mexico, purchased me a bed room set as a wedding gift, Last Christmas he purchased me a car (Financed it for 8 years he is only paying 1-2 years, I will have to pay for the next 6-7 years), he has also given me other gifts and has paid for our date nights or when we go out as a family. During the four months that we have had his children he increased his share to cover the additional cost of food and utilities. (he didn't think this was fair, because for the 10 months that his children didn't live there he didn't expect me to contribute more for my kids)

I am greatful for the gifts however, I don't like for them to be dished out at me, and I don't think that that takes care of the "male role" as the provider in the home. To apease him again I placed the amount I usually do into our account for this month so he wouldn't move forward with the divorce, however I still feel this is unfair. I don't want to be advantages, but I also want the same respect that I would had been given If we started out together. I know he has expenses, but I also know that many of them are paid by his business, including his car, gas, tools, clothing. I don't want him to take all his money and hand it over to me, I don't get into what he has in savings, or how he spends it. But when I see him working a few days a week and I am at work 5 days for 7 hours, or can't treat myself to a new pair of shoes, or feel guilty if I buy myself something, while he purchases a convertable for recreation, I feel like it is unfair.

Please shed some light on me., Am I wrong to feel this way.

#2 Daniel

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Posted 05 November 2007 - 12:34 PM

Holding threats over your head to get you to do his will seems like unrighteous dominion to me. Have you talked to your priesthood leaders about your situation?

#3 fish4kitty

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Posted 05 November 2007 - 01:01 PM

Wow...Just read this whole thing. You both need to get to counseling fast!!!!They can help you both deal with the issues here. To be a mixed family has its challenges. But to hold finances over each other is not good. I wish you the best. This issue will never be fixed unless you get them resolved. f4k
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It takes a disciplined person to listen to convictions which are different from their own. ~ Dorothy Fuldheim


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."


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#4 checkerboy

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Posted 05 November 2007 - 01:21 PM

I have to ask Do either of you love each other? Because the situation that you have described sounds like you are roommates. When I married my ex I knew she had a daughter from a previous marriage. I knew that even though she didn't have primary custody that I was gonna have to take care of her when she did stay with us. I realized that whether or not my wife worked I would still have to take care of my family. Sounds like this guy is a creep. Just because he bought you a bunch of stuff doesn't mean you owe him anything. Why are you still expected to support your children when you now have a husband? I say drop this guy fast there are much better guys out there. I like to think that I am one of them.
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#5 LoudmouthMormon

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Posted 05 November 2007 - 02:20 PM

I have very simple advice. Go buy and read this book. You can get a used copy from Amazon for under $10 bucks plus shipping.

After you read it, see if you can get your husband to read it.

LM
<span style="font-family:Comic Sans MS">L'chai-im! (John 11:25)</span>

#6 ldsgirl28

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Posted 05 November 2007 - 03:06 PM

I have very simple advice. Go buy and read this book. You can get a used copy from Amazon for under $10 bucks plus shipping.

After you read it, see if you can get your husband to read it.

LM[/b]


Thank you! Sounds like a good Book and my husband loves Dr. Laura

#7 MorningStar

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Posted 08 November 2007 - 05:40 PM

This doesn't sound like a money issue. It sounds like a control issue. In a marriage, I don't think it's healthy to think of money as "yours" and "mine". It's a joint effort. He might be using large gifts to manipulate you into giving him what he wants. A lady I know is married to a very controlling man - He won't even let her do the grocery shopping alone because he wants to control every dime they spend, he complains if she goes out of town to see her family and will ask over and over again in this very negative tone, "When is your trip?" as if he's trying to persuade her not to go. When she hits her limit, he will do the wine and dine thing, bring her flowers - really butter her up, but she's sick of it because it's so predictable. She wants to be treated well consistently rather than these last ditch efforts to win her affection again. Combined families are soooooo challenging according to my friends in that situation and I think counseling would be a great idea. One friend said the older kids get on her case about how the kids they had together are being raised, so there are money issues, discipline issues, and she gets very upset when her husband doesn't defend her to his kids. Very complicated. I hope things will get better for you. Stand up for yourself! :)

#8 Marsha8

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Posted 25 January 2008 - 06:10 PM

It sounds like he is a selfish jerk to me. Let him go if he wants to be so stupid. He is not setting a good example for the kids anyway. Easier said than done.

#9 momofmany12

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Posted 26 January 2008 - 09:22 PM

Before my DH and I got married we talked alot about how we are going to raise the kids. This is both 2nd marriage and between us we have 12 kids. 5 are mine and 6 are his. We are custodial to 10. We treat each other kids like our own. No different. You need to sit down and talk about the money. Sounds like he is being controlling. What is he worried about. Does he have past issues with the X? What about combining incomes so it doesn't matter who's paycheck the money comes from.

#10 KingDavid

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Posted 27 January 2008 - 06:57 AM

Sounds like he doesn't make squat in terms of money NOW. And, if he bought a car for which you'll have to pay for 6 years while he only pays 2, that's not a gift, that's a burden! Get a good divorce lawyer now. I usually don't advise for anyone to get divorced. But he sounds like a dink to me. And so what if he's put out $ on you before (on some of the stuff). Can you be bought? Can you be rented? Reminds me of the neighbor girl who tried to break it off with a boyfriend, until he got her a cell phone and paid for the service. Six to eight months down the road, she was pregnant. They got married. A few days after their wedding, he received a text message on his cell phone from another girl. He was ALREADY two-timing her! Run just as fast as you can, young lady! Be more careful next time who you choose to marry.

#11 SMG

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Posted 27 January 2008 - 02:37 PM

Run, don't walk, to the nearest family therapist, or preferably, divorce lawyer. That man is mean, unkind and certainly not the type of man I'd think people would want their children to have as a father figure. Your children's wellbeing should be the top concern. With that man, I am thinking they'd only feel like he resented them. No kid needs that. I've been in similar shoes, but my mom didn't marry the man, thank goodness.

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#12 Aelswyth

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Posted 04 March 2008 - 11:33 AM

Sorry to be blunt, but any man who complains about taking care of your children because he "didn't make them" is not a righteous or kind man. You may not want your children to go through another divorce, but neither would you want them to live in that house exposed to an undercurrent of resentment from their stepfather and made to feel like second-class citizens because they were fathered by another man. He needs a huge attitude adjustment, finances aside.

#13 Flyonthewall

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Posted 04 March 2008 - 12:16 PM

I am no family/marriage counselor, but the two of you need counseling at the very minimum. The question was asked earlier if the two of you loved each other. From what you have written, I think you love him, because you are willing to overlook his faults. I can only go on what you have written about him, but it sounds like there is no love coming from him. It sounds more like a business agreement. I don't know what it is like to have a blended family, but when there is a marriage, there should be no "yours" and "mine", there should only be "ours". I know children make it more challenging but he should be supportive and cooperative with you on them. If he is not willing to work things out with you, then the path you need to follow should be clear. I wish you the best on this, life is tough as a single mother, and a marriage should make things better.




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