Posted 05 November 2007 - 12:13 PM
Prior to getting married my husband suggested I pay only for groceries and pay off any previous debt. We had both agreed with this, months later in a heated argument, my husband decieded he would change it to where we both contribute half. I didn't like the idea, but to please him, I went along. As we entered into the marriage, I realized I made a big mistake, not only was I contributing more than half my income, but I was also reasponsible for all the "womenly duties" cooking, cleaning, going to the market on my own, etc...I started to feel resentment towards my husband, feeling like I was carring more or the same as when I was a single mom, while my husband works 1-2 days a week and stays home. We have discussed finances on several occasions and I have expressed to him the burden this causes me but even bigger than that, I felt like he was not doing his "manly responsibilites" of being the provider. This has only led to bigger agruments as to why does he have to support my children, when he did not create them. I have set it aside in hopes that with time this would change, three weeks ago in another agument I told him I was only going to contribute to paying the food and household items, he said if I did we would sell where we live and move to the home where his children were raised. The first of the month came and I reminded him that I was only going to pay for the food and household items. This would be approximitly $570 less than what I normally pay. He threatened with a divorce. Yesterday he told me that he has an appointment for Tuesday to file. Throughout our relationship he has threatened with legal seperation & divorce I am geting tired of it, but I don't want my children or his children to have to deal with another divorce.
To be fair to my husband I must add, in the past 2.5 years (1yr 2 months dating, 1 year 4 months married) he has treated me to an expensive honey moon, took me on a trip to Mexico, purchased me a bed room set as a wedding gift, Last Christmas he purchased me a car (Financed it for 8 years he is only paying 1-2 years, I will have to pay for the next 6-7 years), he has also given me other gifts and has paid for our date nights or when we go out as a family. During the four months that we have had his children he increased his share to cover the additional cost of food and utilities. (he didn't think this was fair, because for the 10 months that his children didn't live there he didn't expect me to contribute more for my kids)
I am greatful for the gifts however, I don't like for them to be dished out at me, and I don't think that that takes care of the "male role" as the provider in the home. To apease him again I placed the amount I usually do into our account for this month so he wouldn't move forward with the divorce, however I still feel this is unfair. I don't want to be advantages, but I also want the same respect that I would had been given If we started out together. I know he has expenses, but I also know that many of them are paid by his business, including his car, gas, tools, clothing. I don't want him to take all his money and hand it over to me, I don't get into what he has in savings, or how he spends it. But when I see him working a few days a week and I am at work 5 days for 7 hours, or can't treat myself to a new pair of shoes, or feel guilty if I buy myself something, while he purchases a convertable for recreation, I feel like it is unfair.
Please shed some light on me., Am I wrong to feel this way.
Posted 05 November 2007 - 01:01 PM
It takes a disciplined person to listen to convictions which are different from their own. ~ Dorothy Fuldheim
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Posted 05 November 2007 - 01:21 PM
Posted 05 November 2007 - 02:20 PM
After you read it, see if you can get your husband to read it.
Posted 05 November 2007 - 03:06 PM
I have very simple advice. Go buy and read this book. You can get a used copy from Amazon for under $10 bucks plus shipping.
After you read it, see if you can get your husband to read it.
Thank you! Sounds like a good Book and my husband loves Dr. Laura
Posted 08 November 2007 - 05:40 PM
A lady I know is married to a very controlling man - He won't even let her do the grocery shopping alone because he wants to control every dime they spend, he complains if she goes out of town to see her family and will ask over and over again in this very negative tone, "When is your trip?" as if he's trying to persuade her not to go. When she hits her limit, he will do the wine and dine thing, bring her flowers - really butter her up, but she's sick of it because it's so predictable. She wants to be treated well consistently rather than these last ditch efforts to win her affection again.
Combined families are soooooo challenging according to my friends in that situation and I think counseling would be a great idea. One friend said the older kids get on her case about how the kids they had together are being raised, so there are money issues, discipline issues, and she gets very upset when her husband doesn't defend her to his kids. Very complicated.
I hope things will get better for you. Stand up for yourself!
Posted 26 January 2008 - 09:22 PM
You need to sit down and talk about the money. Sounds like he is being controlling. What is he worried about. Does he have past issues with the X? What about combining incomes so it doesn't matter who's paycheck the money comes from.
Posted 27 January 2008 - 06:57 AM
Get a good divorce lawyer now. I usually don't advise for anyone to get divorced. But he sounds like a dink to me.
And so what if he's put out $ on you before (on some of the stuff). Can you be bought? Can you be rented? Reminds me of the neighbor girl who tried to break it off with a boyfriend, until he got her a cell phone and paid for the service. Six to eight months down the road, she was pregnant. They got married. A few days after their wedding, he received a text message on his cell phone from another girl. He was ALREADY two-timing her!
Run just as fast as you can, young lady!
Be more careful next time who you choose to marry.
Posted 27 January 2008 - 02:37 PM
Shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you'll still wind up among the stars!
Posted 04 March 2008 - 11:33 AM
Posted 04 March 2008 - 12:16 PM
I can only go on what you have written about him, but it sounds like there is no love coming from him. It sounds more like a business agreement.
I don't know what it is like to have a blended family, but when there is a marriage, there should be no "yours" and "mine", there should only be "ours". I know children make it more challenging but he should be supportive and cooperative with you on them.
If he is not willing to work things out with you, then the path you need to follow should be clear.
I wish you the best on this, life is tough as a single mother, and a marriage should make things better.
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