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A "no sex" affair help?


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#1 mtkat

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 08:29 AM

My husband has had an affiar that he told the other woman he loved her and even tried toget her to meet him at a hotel and she wouldn't. He seemed to be the most aggressive one, but she did encourage him and lead him on, she'd just never see it through (Thank You Heavenly Father for that) When I try to look for scriptural references or articles to help me cope or to get him to realize the magnitude of what he's done, the stuff I find condemns the sex act and he seems to feel as if I am overreacting and being melodramatic because"it could have been worse" He says he "doesn't love me like he should" but that he DOES love me and wants to work on our marriage and strengthen our love and grow old together etc. He said he sees it as "inapprpriate" but not like he cheated because she wouldn't even kiss him- though he tried all the time to get her to. I feel that he is minimalizing what he did and part of my problem is that he doesn't seem to have a clue as to how devastated I am and he keeps saying he wants "to move forward"- which to him means, I guess for me to let this go and slide it under the rug and pretend like it never happened. We have gone to 1 LDS family services session and are scheduled to go again this weekend. I hope that will help too, but I guess the worst part for me is that he does'nt seem to "get" how serious what he DID do was. He kept saying "NOTHING happened." Has anyone else gone through this or know of any books or anything that are for LDS that can help me, or at least help him see this for what it truly is- a BETRAYAL of our marriage and the covenants he made with me and Heavenly Father in the temple. Thanks for any advice or help.

#2 Dr T

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 09:06 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your situation mkkat :(
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#3 Gwen

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 09:42 AM

a couple of talks you might want to look at, and an exerpt from the second. it sounds as though has she been willing he would have had the physical aspects of the afair. he can't claim inocence for her integrety. my two cents based on what is here anyway.

David O. McKay, “Developing Character,” Ensign, Oct 2001, 22

Larry E. Dahl, “The Higher Law,” Ensign, Feb 1991, 7

Adultery and Looking with Lust (Matt. 5:27–30; 3 Ne. 12:27–30)
The act of adultery has always been a serious sin. But in the new law, the Lord teaches a higher standard—purity of mind and heart. “Whosoever looketh on a woman, to lust after her, hath committed adultery already in his heart.” (3 Ne. 12:28.) Those guilty of either the act or the lusting must fully repent to enjoy the Spirit of the Lord here and the blessings of exaltation hereafter.
What is really meant by “lusting after” someone, or committing adultery “in [one’s] heart”? Lust is defined as “sexual desire often to an intense or unrestrained degree.” 3 In the scriptures, the heart has to do with the core or essence of a person—his real intent and unfeigned desires. (See Prov. 23:7.) If one would in fact commit adultery with the object of his lust if the opportunity were present, he is an adulterous person. Although taught in terms of a man lusting after a woman, the principle applies to all, male and female.
But what if one really wouldn’t commit the act of adultery, yet suffers real temptation? In a world saturated with immoral aural and visual stimuli, such thoughts and temptations can be daily fare.
Although we cannot avoid all the stimuli, we can plead with the Lord to help us control and channel our thoughts. We can consciously avoid compromising situations and forthrightly resist temptation. Rather than allowing improper thoughts to linger—and enhancing and savoring them—we can dismiss them with a prayer or an uplifting hymn or song, and deliberately channel our thoughts into positive paths.
If we imagine ourselves involved in improper things, our thoughts may influence our heart’s inclination and perhaps even our future behavior. Dr. Maxwell Maltz underscores the connection between our thoughts and our body’s nervous system: “Experimental and clinical psychologists have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the human nervous system cannot tell the difference between an ‘actual’ experience and an experience imagined vividly and in detail. 4
As we discipline our thoughts and “suffer none of these things to enter into [our] heart,” we “take up [our] cross.” (3 Ne. 12:29–30.) “For a man to take up his cross,” said Jesus, “is to deny himself all ungodliness, and every worldly lust, and keep my commandments.” (JST, Matt. 16:26.) By so doing, we can truly become pure in heart.

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#4 NeuroTypical

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 09:51 AM

As you choose your path, don't just focus on getting him to understand. You also need to act in ways that protect yourself (and especially kids, if there are any.)

#5 the_jason

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 09:52 AM

An emotional relationship can be just as damaging as a physical relationship. I was unfaithful to my wife in this manner. Luckily, I never met anyone in person, but there was still a verbal and emotional affair. My wife said she felt cheated on even though there was no physical contact. I agree. I allowed myself to express intimate feelings that should have been reserved only for my eternal companion. The fact that he is justifying his actions and says "it could have been worse" is a big red flag. He has no remorse and will probably do it again. It doesn't matter that he didn't kiss the girl. He wanted to kiss her and meet her at a hotel. She was wise enough to see the downside to that. You can't force him to do anything or not do anything, but you can't excuse his behavior either. What he did was wrong. He cheated on you emotionally. Be very cautious.
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#6 Gwen

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 10:34 AM

It's all about you...he didn't do anything and now you are blaming him and condemning him for something he didn't do. This is just part of the course.


What? didn't do anything! if what she is saying is accurate he would have had the other woman not had a shred of integrity. that is something. read my previous post, even the doctrines of the chruch say he has sinned. i'm not saying there isn't more any married person could do to improve the relationship, but to dismiss this isn't ok.

i don't have problems, i have issues
problems can be fixed, issues you just deal with



"The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it.
The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be."
-Robert Fulghum


#7 the_jason

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 10:37 AM

It's all about you...he didn't do anything and now you are blaming him and condemning him for something he didn't do. This is just part of the course.

What?? Are you serious? Of course he did wrong. An emotional affair is still an affair and very inappropriate.

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." - Matthew 5:28
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#8 pam

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 10:51 AM

It's all about you...he didn't do anything and now you are blaming him and condemning him for something he didn't do. This is just part of the course.


You are just kidding right?

#9 the_jason

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 10:54 AM

Wow. That's interesting. She's not supposed to feel betrayed that he expressed his love for another woman. You're not married are you?
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#10 the_jason

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 11:17 AM

You're all over the place on this. First you say he did nothing wrong. Then you say he did wrong but she shouldn't take it personally. Now you are saying it's ok for her to feel betrayed. How do you suppose to have any credibility when you can't even stick to a belief?
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#11 checkerboy

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 01:29 PM

While I agree that what he did was terrible and he definitely needs to show remorse if he intends to try to save his marriage, what I hope you will not do is hold a grudge. If he truly repents and realizes his mistakes the best thing you can do is to forgive and forget. If he doesn't repent and doesn't realize his mistakes still the best thing that you can do is forgive and forget. I have learned a lot about forgiveness this last year. See my wife did have an affair. We are now getting divorced, not just because of the affair but because of a combination of things. Yet I chose to forgive her. It was not easy and there are times still when the bitterness comes back. But I realize that those were her choices and that if I want to be forgiven of my sins I need to forgive. It is very hard. Having someone to talk to really has helped me so it is good that you are seeing someone. Keep it up. Pray. Lots. It is the only thing that enabled me to forgive my wife. Seek charity. That is the gift that will help you be able to forgive. Why go through life letting someone elses decisions fester and gnaw at you?
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#12 Iggy

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Posted 23 January 2008 - 11:21 PM

Wanderer you truly have me confused- but that is okay, please don't try to explain any more. I agree with what all has been said- some what. Forgive yes. Even if he doesn't repent and stop. You must forgive. But as to forgetting. Now, no I will not agree to that. Yes you can forgive and NOT forget. When my ex did all the things he did to me, I forgave him. I left him, and I did NOT forget one blessed thing! I had to forgive him otherwise the hurt, anger and evil would have eaten me alive, would have devoured my soul. Forgiving him was hard- very hard. I worked on that daily for years. When I met my second husband I had all of the never forgotten data from 1st Husband that I used to compare. Did Prospective Husband drink booze, smoke, do drugs, was he manipulative with women and only women?,etc., etc. I asked a ton of questions and most of it was pertaining to the bad stuff 1st Husband did. Watch XXX movies, reading XXX mags, the mistresses, etc. Then I asked him the questions regarding things that 1st Husband detested: Do you love the Lord thy God? Are you ashamed to cry in Church? Will you meet and talk with my family? Do you like to watch Disney Movies, Chick Flicks, etc.? After this long ramble, what I mean is you can forgive without having to forget. In my opinion you really shouldn't forget- to remember, to know is to be armed. - - - okay, end of ramble. :rolleyes:

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#13 Moksha

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Posted 28 January 2008 - 11:38 PM

We have gone to 1 LDS family services session and are scheduled to go again this weekend.


How did it go?
Jesus said, "The first in importance is, love the Lord God.'
And here is the second: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.'
There is no other commandment that ranks with these."


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#14 Fiannan

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Posted 29 January 2008 - 01:50 PM

I think the answer is that if a person has to ask if their relationship with another person crosses the line it probably has. I think this is quite common -- especially with the internet allowing people to "meet up" through discussions all the time. I have in the past had a couple of instances in which females started getting really intimate (not sexually, but in opening themselves up more than one would expect from just a friendship). Since these cases involved young, unmarried individuals I always made it a point to let my wife read e-mails sent by these women so she would know that I was not trying to return the emotional advances. Openness can prevent both misunderstandings as well as more serious mistakes -- even when you would never intend on doing anything wrong.
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#15 ztodd

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Posted 29 January 2008 - 02:50 PM

Has anyone else gone through this or know of any books or anything that are for LDS that can help me, or at least help him see this for what it truly is- a BETRAYAL of our marriage and the covenants he made with me and Heavenly Father in the temple.

Thanks for any advice or help.


I know you don't want to hear this but you might be worrying too much about making him see the light instead of concentrating on what you need to do.

Express your feelings to him that you feel hurt and not able to trust him completely now, but don't keep hounding him about it. That will just make it worse. Leave it up to him to do what he needs to do to repent and earn your trust again. He knows he needs to do this.

I know you want to feel comfortable and safe with him again and feel like you can trust him, but you can't force it. If you continually pass judgment on him, you might be pushing him away towards doing it again.

Be forgiving and let it go. Don't make your forgiveness of him conditional on his repentance. When people say "forgive but don't forget", don't take that to mean that you have to keep reminding him- that's not what he needs. He doesn't need you to punish him with the silent treatment or something like that either. Just forgive him. Unconditionally. Leave it up to the Lord as to whether he has fully repented or not.

Any words you speak to him about the subject from here on out should only be encouraging.. let him know whenever you notice anything he does or says that helps restore your trust in him.. whenever you notice any little positive change in him.. compliment him for it. But don't continue to pass judgment for the negative that is in the past. That doesn't help him, or either of you, to get past it.

#16 rodelio

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Posted 01 February 2008 - 09:12 PM

I dont know exactly what to say.You see,I work athousand miles away from my family,there are times when I'am tempted to have an affair with another girl,I thought that if I could have an affair with no sex that sounds to be ok I tried my best to rationalized that what I'm planning to do is justified.But thats not the way of the gospel we have to do our very best to get ourselves away from temptations,and that is what I realized.I really thought I really like this girl I try to give my time my thoughts my emotion,but the LOrd is always there to remind me that what Im doing is still wrong,not only I'm betraying the trust of my family but at the same time Im putting my standing in the church in jeopardy.I know its always best to get yourself away from temptations and understand what might the consequences of our actions.

#17 amightyfortress

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Posted 01 February 2008 - 09:54 PM

It's all about you...he didn't do anything and now you are blaming him and condemning him for something he didn't do. This is just part of the course.

The only reason he didn't do it was because the other woman said, "no". What happens the next time some other woman catches his eye? Will she say, "no"? The fact that the husband doesn't seem to have deep remorse isn't exactly comforting. He's fluffing it off like, "well, what's the problem, nothing happened". But he wanted it to happen--very much. What's to stop him in the future?

It would be interesting to see what a man's opinion would be if it was the other way around. If the woman was pursuing another man on the side. Then would it be "no big deal?"

#18 tiancum

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 02:16 PM

I will be blunt..

We have gone to 1 LDS family services session and are scheduled to go again this weekend. I hope that will help too, but I guess the worst part for me is that he doesn't seem to "get" how serious what he DID do was. He kept saying "NOTHING happened."


The heartbreaking part, sister, is that nothing (good)is still happening with him. His heart is hard, and cannot feel to repent. He not only cannot feel others pain, which is a direct result of his sin, but he has become callous to the spirit of the Lord.

Sister, he did not direct his betrayal at you, he is not capable of directing anything at anyone but himself right now.

All we can do is pray that the Lord humbles him, and that you feel the presence of the Lord as you walk through your own Gethsemane. The difference between you and he right now, is that you are willing to walk into Gethsemane and learn at the savior's feet. I promise you, he will teach you wonderful and humbling things about yourself. He will lift you, and be your balm in Gilead. I know him...He is your Savior, he will deliver you, he will save you from this, and teach you just how worthy of love and caring you are.
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#19 WillowTheWhisp

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Posted 08 February 2008 - 02:31 PM

Perhaps he does know that what he did was wrong and regrets it but is acting defensively because he doesn't even want to admit it to himself.

#20 LdsNana

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Posted 09 February 2008 - 12:55 AM

My husband has had an affiar that he told the other woman he loved her and even tried toget her to meet him at a hotel and she wouldn't. He seemed to be the most aggressive one, but she did encourage him and lead him on, she'd just never see it through (Thank You Heavenly Father for that)

When I try to look for scriptural references or articles to help me cope or to get him to realize the magnitude of what he's done, the stuff I find condemns the sex act and he seems to feel as if I am overreacting and being melodramatic because"it could have been worse" He says he "doesn't love me like he should" but that he DOES love me and wants to work on our marriage and strengthen our love and grow old together etc.

He said he sees it as "inapprpriate" but not like he cheated because she wouldn't even kiss him- though he tried all the time to get her to. I feel that he is minimalizing what he did and part of my problem is that he doesn't seem to have a clue as to how devastated I am and he keeps saying he wants "to move forward"- which to him means, I guess for me to let this go and slide it under the rug and pretend like it never happened.

We have gone to 1 LDS family services session and are scheduled to go again this weekend. I hope that will help too, but I guess the worst part for me is that he does'nt seem to "get" how serious what he DID do was. He kept saying "NOTHING happened."

Has anyone else gone through this or know of any books or anything that are for LDS that can help me, or at least help him see this for what it truly is- a BETRAYAL of our marriage and the covenants he made with me and Heavenly Father in the temple.

Thanks for any advice or help.


OUCH! That is deeply painful and I am so sorry to hear that you must now do your best to forgive him and move forward.

Perhaps, you could 'both' see this experience as one of the many "tender mercies of the Lord"...

How thankful you could be, that this 'weakness' in your marriage has been brought into the light, with minimal damage, 'compared' to what could have been. And now, because of this exposure, you are 'both' able to guard your marriage from the onslaught of the adversary. The two of you as a team, must have great potential for building up the Kingdom.

I don't know if whether you have been sealed in the temple and have actively been attending or not. If you have, then I would refer you to the temple covenants - in answering your question as to the seriousness of even an emotional affair. I tread lightly in bringing the temple into this conversation, so as to not discuss those things that should not be openly discussed. But, would clarify your condition tremendously.

Don't let that which has been brought UP into the LIGHT, now, be dragged DOWN into the pit. Look UP and to God, and find unity in this experience. You will be strengthened in your relationship, in ways that will bring you to thank God, for such a privilege to know Him and His power to heal you 'both'.

You asked for a suggestion of a book that would be helpful... May I suggest, The Book of Mormon, versus the philosophies of man? Utilizing the topical index to search for that which is most pertinent to what YOU are personally experiencing right now.

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