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Grandparents spanking?


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#1 Heckya

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Posted 16 February 2008 - 09:30 PM

I need advice on how to handle a situation. I probably should have handled it immediately, but I just didn't know how. Anyhow, tonight my step dad spanked my two year old. My son jumped on him to play and accidently hit him in the private area....not real hard, but hard enough that my dad reacted. Anyhow, he yelled at my son, then spanked him. (one hard spank on the butt) We spank occassionally, but I am livid that my dad had the nerve to spank my son. Any tips on the next course of action? I was thinking of pulling him aside and telling him that he has no right to spank my kids. If my kids need to be punished that is my job and he should bring it to my attention if I miss it. However, with this particular case my son was playing and shouldn't have been spanked anyway....although I understand the immediate reaction when it comes to being nailed between the legs. I also need any help on being kind about my delivery. I'm not very good at being kind when I'm angry. Oh, and lastly, my step dad has alzheimers. He is about a 4 on a 1 to 10 scale. I am concerned because he is growing more aggressive. We are living in my parents basement for the next month so I'm a little more concerned than I would be otherwise. Thanks for any suggestions.
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#2 lisajo

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Posted 16 February 2008 - 10:23 PM

I agree. you need to talk with him and tell him .....you are sorry it happend he is just a small child and did not mean to. and please leave any punishing to you. Having alzheimers could make this a problem also...... sounds like a real problem. so sorry
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#3 Heather

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Posted 16 February 2008 - 10:50 PM

I personally would go ballistic if I were in your situation. I don't believe in spanking, and I certainly don't believe in anyone else spanking my kids. (Not to mention it's illegal for someone besides you or your spouse to inflict corporal punishment on your child.) I would definitely say something and do what you need to do to make sure that it doesn't happen when you're not there. Given your dad's situation, I wouldn't leave your son alone with him anyway. It's probably better that you didn't react right as it happened, if you know it will be difficult to control your emotions in the heat of the moment. I would just pull him aside and tell him how you feel. Let him know that your son was only playing and you don't want your son to be afraid of his grandfather. Then let him know that under no circumstance is he allowed to spank your son. Let him know that you will handle all discipline, and like you said, that ask him to bring anything to your attention that you miss.
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#4 Mahonri

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Posted 17 February 2008 - 12:48 AM

How can you go ballistic with someone who has Alzheimers? I'd have a talk with Grandpa and Grandma in a kind way. I'd also teach son about folks tender private parts and that he needed to learn to be careful. He needs to understand that he hurt Grandpa and that's why Grandpa reacted the way he did. I'd say if you don't want him to be spanked, you don't leave him alone with him.
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#5 Iggy

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Posted 17 February 2008 - 12:51 AM

Heckya, What do you know about Alzheimer's? If your step-father is a 4 on a scale of 1-10 and 10 being totally bedridden and on life support, and he is aggressive, then keep your son away from Grandpa! Alzheimer's is no respecter of person, and since your step father is aggressive now,he is only going to get more and more aggressive as time goes by. Think of your life as stills in a slide projector. Now take the carousel from the slide projector and dump all the pictures out, mix them up and put them back in willy-nilly. Upside down, back wards, and not in order. This is your step fathers waking life. There are medications that will calm him, i.e. sedate him- but they can also make him off balance so that he stumbles, falls, etc. Children should not be jumping up and down on senior citizens anyway. We are not trampolines, nor are we gym mats. Our skins are more delicate now that we are older, our bones break and snap without great pressure put on us. Would you allow your child to jump on an infant? No you wouldn't- so now is the time to teach him to treat the Grandpa's and Grandma's gently and with respect. No jumping, no punching, no hitting, etc. As for your step dad applying a good single swat on your sons bottom- had a three or four year old done that to me - now or even 10 years ago, I would have swatted him once on the bum too. A woman can never experience the pain that men do when they are hit, kicked in their privates. There just is no part of us that will hurt like they hurt. Heckya, what if your step dad was in the final stages of cancer? Would you have allowed your son to play roughly around him? Alzheimer's is as deadly as cancer- it eats away at the brain and short circuts it randomly. There is no cure, no reversal, and the poor person who is afflicted with this horrible disease needs to be protected. From themselves and from others. Study up on this disease. And in the meantime, supervise your son all the time he is in the same room with Grandpa. To protect Grandpa and to protect son. Teach your son compasion for the elderly and for those innocent victims of Alsheimer's. I am sorry if I come across rudely- My dear Mother-in-law passed away last week-end. She too, was an innocent victim of Alzheimer's. Fortunately she was not aggressive or angry. Confused, oh lord she was confused all the time. She kept asking Is This Real? Is this a dream? Then she would tell us, I really hate this, I hate this mixing up and never understanding.

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#6 Heckya

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Posted 17 February 2008 - 03:02 PM

First off, my step dad is very active with my kids. He plays with them and runs around just like he is one of them. He isn't a frail old man. So don't jump all over me about your age and your problems Iggy. My step dad is the first one who gets my kids excited. Yes, he has alzheimers and yes we are just learning about this. He was officially diagnosed a month ago. He is in the stage where he is stealing, lying, and taking money. The aggressiveness is new to the mix. He is different everyday. The diagnosis was a month ago, but there have only been changes in him for about a year. He is getting confused and forgetful and is very childlike...thus he gets along with my kids great for the most part. He is also complusive-if he gets an idea in his head and he has to fulfill it before he can move on to something else (for example: he shoveled the driveway on Christmas morning, while everyone else opened presents....he can't just sit.) He is starting to not relate to adults and be defensive. He can't hold a conversation without lying or exageratting. Yesterday he told me my mom hits him when he is in the car if he is speeding...which is ridiculous. The one thing I do know about alzheimers is that it affects every person differently.

And as for not leaving my kids alone with my step dad. I don't. There is the odd time that my boys might be upstairs while I am downstairs, but it's just for a few minutes. My mother and I both monitor the behavior of my step dad and my kids closely. Don't you dare accuse me of poor parenting or lack of concern for my dad and his illness....our illness. I'm sure you've heard that is harder on the caregiver that the patient.

And I am familar with alzheimer's. My grandmother is a current victim. Every time we go to see her, she has a different husband. Last time he was a baseball umpire. (You've got to find some humor in it) And my other grandmother who passed away ten years ago also suffered from the disease. However, this is still new for us. They were in their 80's when diagnosed and simply forgot things. Eventually it got to the point that they didn't know who we were. My step dad is in his 60's. He is full of life. He wants to work and doesn't understand/won't acknowledge anything is wrong with him. Typical of the disease.

In regards to medication, we are working on it, but there are still tests that need to be completed by an additional neuroligist due to a history of mild strokes my dad has had. We haven't even talked about the likelyhood that we won't be able to get my dad to take the meds, but I'm sure that will come.

While I am sorry about the loss of your mother in law...you don't need to jump all over me over a question. It's judgemental and shows poor character.

Lastly, spanking someone elses child in inappropriate. While he is ill and doesn't neccesarily know better, for someone who is coherent to do such a thing tells me they shouldn't be around someone else's children at all!

On a side note regarding being kicked in the the private area....I think I've experienced a greater pain. Try natural labor...especially when you dialate quickly! My husband has admitted that he would rather be kicked multiple times that go through having a baby.
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#7 Iggy

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Posted 17 February 2008 - 06:21 PM

First off, my step dad is very active with my kids. He plays with them and runs around just like he is one of them. He isn't a frail old man. So don't jump all over me about your age and your problems Iggy. My step dad is the first one who gets my kids excited. Yes, he has alzheimers and yes we are just learning about this. He was officially diagnosed a month ago. He is in the stage where he is stealing, lying, and taking money. The aggressiveness is new to the mix. He is different everyday. The diagnosis was a month ago, but there have only been changes in him for about a year. He is getting confused and forgetful and is very childlike...thus he gets along with my kids great for the most part. He is also complusive-if he gets an idea in his head and he has to fulfill it before he can move on to something else (for example: he shoveled the driveway on Christmas morning, while everyone else opened presents....he can't just sit.) He is starting to not relate to adults and be defensive. He can't hold a conversation without lying or exageratting. Yesterday he told me my mom hits him when he is in the car if he is speeding...which is ridiculous. The one thing I do know about alzheimers is that it affects every person differently.

And as for not leaving my kids alone with my step dad. I don't. There is the odd time that my boys might be upstairs while I am downstairs, but it's just for a few minutes. My mother and I both monitor the behavior of my step dad and my kids closely. Don't you dare accuse me of poor parenting or lack of concern for my dad and his illness....our illness. I'm sure you've heard that is harder on the caregiver that the patient.

And I am familar with alzheimer's. My grandmother is a current victim. Every time we go to see her, she has a different husband. Last time he was a baseball umpire. (You've got to find some humor in it) And my other grandmother who passed away ten years ago also suffered from the disease. However, this is still new for us. They were in their 80's when diagnosed and simply forgot things. Eventually it got to the point that they didn't know who we were. My step dad is in his 60's. He is full of life. He wants to work and doesn't understand/won't acknowledge anything is wrong with him. Typical of the disease.

In regards to medication, we are working on it, but there are still tests that need to be completed by an additional neuroligist due to a history of mild strokes my dad has had. We haven't even talked about the likelyhood that we won't be able to get my dad to take the meds, but I'm sure that will come.

While I am sorry about the loss of your mother in law...you don't need to jump all over me over a question. It's judgemental and shows poor character.

Lastly, spanking someone elses child in inappropriate. While he is ill and doesn't neccesarily know better, for someone who is coherent to do such a thing tells me they shouldn't be around someone else's children at all!

On a side note regarding being kicked in the the private area....I think I've experienced a greater pain. Try natural labor...especially when you dialate quickly! My husband has admitted that he would rather be kicked multiple times that go through having a baby.


Cool your jets Heckya,
In your original post the only information you gave us was your step father has Alzheimer's. Period.

I did not accuse you of anything.

I have been around men and women who have Alzheimer's for the past 8 years. It affects them all the same way- it short circuts their brain. How they react to that is different in each person.

Because you can not actually see the disease- no dropping off of flesh, no dramatic weight loss or change of skin tone - it is hard to remember that the person is seriously sick. Alzheimer's is a silent killer. For kill it does. But in the meantime they look and act and talk normally for the most part.

Since your stepfather was just recently diagnosed you probably haven't really seen the forgetfulness. I am not talking about forgetting to grab his keys as he goes out the door. I am talking about forgetting who you are, who is wife is. Forgetting how to get home from the store. Forgetting how to treat children.

My Mother-in-law was in the final stages of Alzheimer's. Her brain quit telling her to go to the bathroom, and it was not processing the nutrients from her food properly. She still had an appetite, and she ate good but she was loosing weight. She didn't know that the people she was living with were her son and daughter-in-law. But she knew they were kind to her and kept her house neat and clean and orderly. (it is their house not hers).

Ask her who Son 1 and Son 2 were and she knew they were her sons. She had NO memory of Son3. She had NO memory of grandchildren. She had NO memory of ever have been married! Ask her who the father of her children was and that got her terribly confused. She KNEW she had had children, but had no memory what so ever of their father.

She could still tell the seasons, but not the year, month or day. She didn't know if the calendar on the wall was current or not. TV was confusing, movies in black and white were comforting.

She could hold an intelligent conversation with you as long as it was NOT about current events. She would respond to you and include who ever was in her memory at the time. Sometimes it was one of the girlfriends of her youth, sometimes her first boyfriend, more often it was her mother or grandmother.

She was 85 years old when she passed away 11 Feb 2008. Had she not had Alzheimer's, she probably would have lived another decade or two. She was healthy as a "horse".

What I was trying to convey to you, Heckya, is that your stepfather is slowly being controlled by the Alzheimer's. You won't see it, hear it, smell it, but it is happening. YHe is not aware of it either. He is being controlled by it.

Mom's grandchildren were older, just starting into their teens, when she started getting really bad. They were old enough to take over the cooking and walking with her to the grocery store. We had to take the car away from her, and living in the AZ desert we could not let her walk anywhere alone.

From what I have learned, Alzheimer's can affect a person as young as 40. The Dr's figure Mom was one of those people.

He wants to work and doesn't understand/won't acknowledge anything is wrong with him.

It isn't a matter of refusing to acknowledge anything is wrong. He is losing that ability due to the disease. As for telling lies. Chances are at one time your mother did hit him because he was speeding. It probably was just once, and she may not remember it- but he does. In his Alzheimer's affected brain, it is as real to him as your children are to you now.

Might I suggest that you get some literature about Alzheimer's and find out from his Dr where there are support groups and get your stepfather involved in his own treatment. One of the members of the ward fought his diagnosis of Alzheimer's - He wrecked three cars, had so many speeding tickets that his license was taken away. (he had never had a speeding ticket, or an accident in the 60 years he had been driving) Finally his family were able to get him to go to a support group for Alzheimer's patients and their loved ones. There he learned what his disease had done to him, and what it was going to do and how he could learn to live with it and prepare for it.

He passed away about 4 months ago- he had a massive heart attack.

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#8 Heckya

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Posted 18 February 2008 - 12:08 AM

As I said, I have had two grandmothers with this disease. I understand it but am learning more about it everyday so please don't consider me completely ignorant on the subject. My grandmother whom is still alive is 86. She too is perfectly healthy other than alzheimers and too frail to care for herself. She remembers who I am once I tell her although she always thinks I am babysitting someones kids. I think she looks at me and sees a teenager. My other grandmother passed away from a combination of diseases so we are unsure how advanced her alzheimers was. I think she knew who her children were, but grandchildren were a thing of the past. I gave the 4 on a 1 to 10 scale because that is what his doctor has said. My dad is still driving but won't be for much longer. He, too, is about to lose his license. He is at the point where my mother can only have so much control. She is in the process of changing over all of the finances. And we are working at protecting him from his two daughters, who are drug users and manipulative. My dad got a cell phone for Christmas for safety reasons, but we are finding that is more of a problem. Upon reading some things on alz. I understand average lifespan for a person affected is 8 years. Symptoms for my dad were noticed about a year ago, which means that he probably started deterating 2-4 years ago. We think the increase happened because they moved to a new state about two years ago. Shortly after that he was laid off or fired from three jobs...prior to that he had an incredible work history. Anyhow, we tend to think the change in his daily patterns and surroundings triggered the progressive slide downhill. I somewhat expect it to be a slippery slope and that his mind will go rather quickly. My brother and I notice regular changes. However, the potential violence is what concerns us and we aren't sure how to handle it. He has pushed my mother once, then with spanking my son and anytime my 1 year old gets into a drawer he smacks her hands if we aren't right there to grab her. She is usually getting into a drawer of dish clothes or tubberwear....nothing that would be a big deal to the average person, but he is compulsively clean now. Hard to get used to and hard to be patient when your job is to first protect your children. It puts my mom in a hard spot too since her job is to first protect him in a lot of ways. You seem to know quite a bit about the disease. I have a question that you may not know the answer to, but it's something I am trying to find the answer to. Because my dad is reverting to childlike behavior (pulling hair, flipping bra straps, etc.) he sometimes comes across as creepy. ( I understand it is the disease and not him.) I can't tell my mother this....at least not yet. I am concerned that his judgement will fail to the point of molestation. (Thus why I never leave my kids alone with him.) I don't have any reason to believe that anything has happened, but something in my gut says to watch him very carefully. Do you know if this is something I should be concerned about? At least statistic wise. I realize it may sound ridiculous, but I've learned to listen to my gut. I'm not a paranoid person typically. I understand that molestation is no where near childlike behavior. I ask this mainly because his judgement is so poor. I've been finding porn in the internet history and it's usually teen related...well, by title anyway. I haven't opened any of the sites. As for the speeding and my mom hitting him. She told me that he playfully smacked his leg about a year ago. They were on their way to a wedding in Oregon. We've learned that we can't touch him. He told my mom that I hit him the other day when I playfully flipped him in the head...we were just joking, but later he told her otherwise. This is a concern because of his daughters. They think my parents have a lot of money so they will do whatever they can to get their hands on what they think they have. We fully expect restraining orders in the future. We have found that my dad is forgetting to eat and that he has a very small appetite as well. My mom used to hound him on what he eats because he has had a heart attack, now she just wants him to eat. She bought twinkies today...she doesn't even buy twinkies for her grandkids. My mother is in a support group already. My dad says there is nothing wrong with him. The doctor told my mom that with where he is right now there is no point telling him he has alzheimers. My mom has told him a couple of times, but he just loses his temper and tells her that she is better off without him. Then he says he will move out and be gone by the end of the week. He calms down quickly and it usually really apologetic afterwards. But, my mom doesn't want to push too much because she doesn't want him to actually leave. He couldn't take care of himself. My job to help him and my mother is to help my mom keep her sense of humor at this point. Every week we go around the house to find treasures that he has brought home/stolen. He volunteers at a senior center so I drive by to confirm his location. We've thought about adding GPS to his car. It tells where he goes and how fast he drives. My mom doesn't want to. She doesn't like to snoop. Her biggest problem is that she feels like she is betraying him. Once he gets one more ticket he will lose his license. She asked him what he would do and he said that he'd still drive. She doesn't want to take that freedom away from him yet. He is a good driver other than speed, but if/once he gets another ticket and loses his license she has decided to sell his car. I expect that losing that freedom with cause him to get sicker faster. Anyhow, I've babbled enough. It must feel good to vent a bit. My husband thinks that while my dad has alzheimers, he also believes that he is rebelling against my mom. Her intentions have always been good, but she is controlling and definitely wears the pants. My husband isn't much support. I don't think he means it. I just don't think he understands it....plus he always has an additional explanation for whatever is going on. I understand my dad is no longer that kind, easy going man I've known since I was 11. My mom and I have to constantly remind each other in order to help us be patient with him. My mothers patience with my dad has been amazing since his diagnosis. She has never been patient or a caregiver of any kind, so I must say that I am proud of her. I apologize for snapping back. We have a lot to handle right now. Our family dynamics are complex. My concern is not just about my dads health, but I am concerned about my parents safety against my step sisters as well.
HECKYA!

#9 Iggy

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Posted 18 February 2008 - 01:28 AM

Heckya, Mom went through a sexually inappropriate period too. She tried to crawl out of a window one night to get meet her boyfriend. She got on the phone (totally imaginary) and told her girlfriend to come help her. Listening to her phone conversation it was obvious she had been sexually active in her late teens. You need to tell the Dr about the changes in personality- putting your step-dad on mild sedatives may help. If he is getting more aggressive it might be better to put him in a care facility. Though if he is aggressive, it may be difficult to find one that will take him. Mom was cared for by her second son and his wife. I only have second hand information- and I really don't know what meds she was on. She never really got aggressive, talkative yes! She would be up all night long, walking through the house talking up a storm. Then when she could no longer control her bowel movements,etc., THAT became a real mess and quite a trial. Tranqulizers only worked for a very short while. Be sure that your Dr is well versed in Alz okay. The first two Docs that Mom had didn't know diddly if you know what I mean. The third and fourth (they moved to another state) were fantastic! What was good too- was her Medicare/Medicaid paid for 80% of her Dr visits and meds, and then her pensioned insurance picked up 80% of the balance, leaving us to pay the pittance of the balance. If you haven't already, check into getting him on Medicare/Medicaid( I never have been able to keep them straight). Check on his getting SS retirement and possibly disability benefits. It is good your Mom wears the pants, he can't right now and some one has to be in control. Just remember that when your step dad gets worse and then passes, Mom is going to need all of you to reassure her that it is okay to feel relief. My husband and I understand the relief- we also know EXACTLY where Mom is :), unfortunately Son2 and his wife have no spiritual guidance in their lives. Daughter-in-law is going to have a real rough road ahead. Me thinks that husband and I will be saying more prayers for her than we did for Mom. It really would be best to take the car and the keys away. Yes he WAS a good driver, but the Alz is deteriorating his brain. It would only take once for him to get into a fatal accident, and what guarantee would there be that his would be the only vehicle. Mom's mother had Alz- and she took care of her until she died. She knew she had it long before she was "officially" diagnosed with it. When she retired at 66 she set her pension and SS retirement up for automatic deposits, set up what bills she could to be paid automatically out of her account. She made Son 1 (My husband) promise to take away her car and keys when he felt she was a danger on the road. Unfortunately he was living in CA and she was in AZ. He didn't hear about her car accidents until after the third one. Fortunately hers was the only vehicle involved in all three. Fortunately she wasn't hurt. I would look for an on line support group and one locally. I would also keep your children away from him and his daughters. I don't know if he would molest them, but I do know that a persons personality can end up being 180 degrees from what they had been. I would also look for a care facility to put him in. A group home with only males would be my choice. Financially- check with an Elder Law Attorney, pay the consultation fee and be brutally blunt with him/her. If you need to hide assets, then do it. You need to protect your step dad from himself and protect others from him. He has a horrible disease. To me it is the most horrible of all because it is not caused by anything he did or did not do. Such as smoking all his life and getting lung cancer- drinking himself to death - using drugs to the point where they kill him. I want to point out that Mom died in a car accident. Daughter-in-law was taking her to a Dr's appointment, she hit some black ice on the road, spun out and slid sideways down a 40 foot embankment. Mom died from a cerebral hemorrhage. Her blood vessels were so weakened from the Alz that she never had a chance. She was in a coma for not quite an hour and passed peacefully. Daughter-in-law suffered whip-lash, bruises, and sprains. Emotionally- we don't know yet if she is going to suffer emotionally or not. She seems to be, disgusted is the only word that comes to mind, disgusted with husband and myself because we have not made the emotional scene. No gnashing of teeth, renting of clothes, nor are we railing at her for 'murdering' Mom. Like I said before, she has no spirituality in her life. She really can not comprehend the fact that we are not sorry Mom has passed. We are sorry it had to be in a car accident. We are sorry that it had to be daughter-in-law who was driving. But we are not afraid of death. We know that death is not the end, it is just the end of life on this earth and the beginning of another life in the Spirit World. Now, we can get the work done for husbands father, and then have her sealed to him. Then my husband can get sealed to his parents. She was endowed - I will be going to the funeral home either Tues or wed to prepare her for burial. Son 3 and his children will then be allowed to view her before she is cremated. Her memorial service will be around the end of March. That will give the other grandchildren time to get here and not have to rush. Yes, rambling on is good - you needed it, so did I. Thanks Heckya- my sister-in-law kept a daily/weekly journal on the things that Mom said and did, plus all changes in her bodily functions which she gave to the Dr. This might be something all of you might think about. My prayers are with you.

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We are spiritual beings having a human experience"


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#10 toBdetermined

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Posted 20 February 2008 - 06:02 AM

Yikes. I didn't read all the responses here but that is tough. I completely agree with Heather - It's best you didn't respond out of anger, but I think it should definitely be addressed. Suggesting you don't want your son to be scared of him is a good "kind" approach. We were recently staying with my parents and although they never spanked one of my children (which would have incited all the fury of hell - me) we also ran into issues of "discipline". Don't sugar coat the issue - be straightforward with both parents so there is no gray area. You are the disciplinarian - bottom line. And again, like Heather said - it is probably best to minimize the exposure, if possible. Good Luck :)

#11 Elgama

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Posted 20 February 2008 - 06:15 AM

just a question how does your son feel about the issue? presumably he knows his Grandad has alzheimers disease and might be more forgiving than your are about it -Charley

#12 Iggy

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Posted 20 February 2008 - 08:01 PM

just a question how does your son feel about the issue? presumably he knows his Grandad has alzheimers disease and might be more forgiving than your are about it

-Charley

Her son is two years old. I doubt he knows about Alzheimer's.

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#13 Elgama

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Posted 20 February 2008 - 11:34 PM

Her son is two years old. I doubt he knows about Alzheimer's.


My daughter at 2 was capable of recognizing our neighbour with Alzheimers needed special consideration and was much more forgiving and behaved differently around her by the time she was 14 months she understood my dog at the time needed special care (dog was 20). Most children like dogs and cats from an early age understand when someone needs them to behave differently even if they don't know the reason

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#14 Heckya

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Posted 20 February 2008 - 11:44 PM

Iggy thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate them. Unfortunately, I can only give my mom my opinion. The hard decisions, like driving, are for her to make and she isn't ready to be so hard on my dad yet. I really hope he gets another speeding ticket. I talked to my brother today to fill him in on the situation. It's amazing how many changes I see in my dad because I am living here for the moment. He really doesn't understand how much my dad has changed. I told him about the aggression and it really caught him off guard. I've noticed the thing that sets my dad off is the 20 questions my mom gives him so she can find out his activities when she isn't around. She works part-time and that is when most of the problems occur, especially in reguards to his daughter. My brother and I decided that he will call my dad once a week to check up and then report to my mom so she doesn't have to do the questioning that day. I've already been doing it, but once I move out I will also make calls. I was also thinking of making the three hour trip to visit them once a month and maybe take him out to lunch. Then I'd have my brother do the same thing. My mom works all day Mon and Tues and half day on Wed. If we take him out to lunch on these days it will lessen her concern. I was thinking of getting my aunt and uncle involved with a monthly lunch too. Maybe come summer add golf into the mix. As for keeping my kids away from him, we are moving next week. We haven't found a place to live other than my hubby's current one bedroom apt, but we can make it work for a month or two until we find an apartment or house. It is better for us as a family, but I am very concerned for my mom. She isn't a great communicator so I know that I will get less info since I won't be seeing things first hand. Iggy, I am really sorry about your mom passing away. Although, a car accident may have been better than her body shutting down completely from alz. Since your sister in law isn't religious, she probably won't realize that her death was a blessing. I prayer quite regularly that my grandmother will pass away. When she was "with it" she would tell me how much she wanted to die. She misses my grandfather tremendously. I am the only person she has told that he wants to die. I often wonder why. I think I'll tell my mom about blogging. Maybe she can keep an online journal about my dad. I have also been wondering what I can do to help her with stress relief. I was thinking of encouraging her to join a gym. It would help her relieve stress, but I don't know if she would use it. She really likes to do interior design, but if she keeps painting her house she is going to lose square footage. She has a small interior redesign business that she just started, but it isn't doing very well...although she hasn't put a lot on energy into it lately. We think my dad has forgotten how to sign his signature. He had a special way of signing his name...very unique, but this last week he has started spelling his name out. Last night my mom told him he needed to sign it the old way because it was for the bank and they have signature cards, but he could do it. He started hitting himself on the arm, then telling her that he was going to leave and that she was better of without him. Normally my mom tells him not to go, this time she told him not to take her suitcases. I think she was seeing if a different approach would work better. It is sad to watch my mom go through this. Because while I can try to support her and be there, at the end of the day this is her burden. It is harder on her than anyone, including my dad. We were talking and I told her that I look at my dad and have to remember that the man we love isn't there anyone (or at least very often) and that we are getting to know someone new, a stranger. She agreed, but you can see the devastation in her eyes. Well, I should end this babbling. If you don't here from me for a while it's because we haven't hooked up the interent in our new place yet. We leave on Friday, but for the next couple of weeks I'll be back and forth to my moms. Thanks again Iggy. And thanks for the idea of hidding assets. We know to do it now. We didn't do it with my grandma and we should have. My mom has talked about divorcing my dad, but still living with him. They own their home so it's a problem. I wonder if that would fix it. Okay, I'm going for real. Thanks again.
HECKYA!

#15 Heckya

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Posted 20 February 2008 - 11:53 PM

My daughter at 2 was capable of recognizing our neighbour with Alzheimers needed special consideration and was much more forgiving and behaved differently around her by the time she was 14 months she understood my dog at the time needed special care (dog was 20). Most children like dogs and cats from an early age understand when someone needs them to behave differently even if they don't know the reason

-Charley



My 5 year old doesn't even understand it, nor are we explaining it to him at this point. He would ask grandpa about it and grandpa doesn't understand that anything is wrong. My kids don't see what my mom and I see. He typically plays with them like he is a child, which makes him the best kind of grandpa, most of the time and as long as they are supervised.

In regards to pets, my mom has a little dog who is old. They do understand that they need to be gentle with him and move slowly. However, the dog also understands to be gentle with my one year old....he won't hesitate to bite the older two if they are bugging him. They've learned not to bug him so it isn't a problem.
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#16 Elgama

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Posted 21 February 2008 - 12:03 AM

My 5 year old doesn't even understand it, nor are we explaining it to him at this point. He would ask grandpa about it and grandpa doesn't understand that anything is wrong. My kids don't see what my mom and I see. He typically plays with them like he is a child, which makes him the best kind of grandpa, most of the time and as long as they are supervised.

In regards to pets, my mom has a little dog who is old. They do understand that they need to be gentle with him and move slowly. However, the dog also understands to be gentle with my one year old....he won't hesitate to bite the older two if they are bugging him. They've learned not to bug him so it isn't a problem.


I think its just the way we grew up maybe we had Grans dementia explained to us gently and that we had to treat her well, and that sometimes she got confused we just assumed it was because she was old

-Charley

#17 Rico

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Posted 21 February 2008 - 08:54 PM

I need advice on how to handle a situation. I probably should have handled it immediately, but I just didn't know how. Anyhow, tonight my step dad spanked my two year old. My son jumped on him to play and accidently hit him in the private area....not real hard, but hard enough that my dad reacted. Anyhow, he yelled at my son, then spanked him. (one hard spank on the butt) We spank occassionally, but I am livid that my dad had the nerve to spank my son. Any tips on the next course of action? I was thinking of pulling him aside and telling him that he has no right to spank my kids. If my kids need to be punished that is my job and he should bring it to my attention if I miss it.


In general: I think it's quite appropriate for a grandparent to punish your child. They punished you didn't they? Grandparents have the wisdom gained through years of raising you and your brothers and sisters. I am incredulous that anyone would be upset that a grandparent punished a child for doing wrong.

It's important that certain boundaries are not crossed and you are not overruled as a parent, but if the grandparent is watching the child then you should expect that it means sometimes punishing.

Think for a moment how this kind of question would have been answered a 100 years ago....

Specific advice(taking into account Alzheimers): I would take him aside and be very calm and very loving. He's lived a long life and he can't help the fact that he is ravaged by a disease. You need to give him comfort. Understand that he isn't perfect.

#18 Heckya

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Posted 21 February 2008 - 09:20 PM

In general: I think it's quite appropriate for a grandparent to punish your child. They punished you didn't they? Grandparents have the wisdom gained through years of raising you and your brothers and sisters. I am incredulous that anyone would be upset that a grandparent punished a child for doing wrong.

It's important that certain boundaries are not crossed and you are not overruled as a parent, but if the grandparent is watching the child then you should expect that it means sometimes punishing.

Think for a moment how this kind of question would have been answered a 100 years ago....

Specific advice(taking into account Alzheimers): I would take him aside and be very calm and very loving. He's lived a long life and he can't help the fact that he is ravaged by a disease. You need to give him comfort. Understand that he isn't perfect.



No, my step dad did not punish me as a kid. My parents got married when I was 12. He did not have that authority in my house. As most teens with step parents, it would have been hell if he would have told me what to do. I would have made sure of that! Most step parents ( is successful mixed families) don't handle the punishing if kids are older when the parents get married. They simply provide back up to the biological parent....I think this is especially the case when both bio parents are in the kids lives.

I was there when my step dad spanked my son. I saw the whole thing. I didn't even have a chance to intervene it all happened so fast. Plus, my mother doesn't believe in spanking (well, spanking her grandkids anyway although spanking was a very rare occassion when I was a kid) and my step dad used to (pre alz) fall in line with whatever she did/thinks. My step dad has never been the dominant partner in a marriage. He wasn't the disciplinary with his first wife/kids...in fact, he has always been the soft place to fall for his kids and for me. His behavior, spanking and otherwise, is a complete 180. It's just part of the disease.

Anyhow, I've handled the problem. I spoke to my mom about it. There is no point in talking to my step dad about the situation. He doesn't really understand. It's a hard line to walk. We know that grandpa and kids must always have superivision....not just because of spanking, but for a variety of new behaviors, however his new aggression is at the top of the list.

Thanks for all the suggestions and comments!
HECKYA!

#19 Dee23

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Posted 21 February 2008 - 11:49 PM

Hi HECKYA! First off I would like to give you a hug! Not only is discipline hard, but Alheimzer's is as well. Please be tender with your stepfather--but firm so that he understands what's going on. Please explain to your dear children --in kiddo terms what's going on. Pray about how to talk to him--and that your children will understand what you are trying to tell them. D in WA

#20 RachelleDrew

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Posted 28 February 2008 - 04:18 PM

I understand that his reasoning is going to be different due to his disease. I would try and explain to him once that he cannot discipline your child. However, don't be surprised if he attempts to do it again anyway. Don't hold it against him, it's really not his fault at this point, regardless of how high-functioning he seems to be. If it wasn't for this special situation, I would be furious. My parents or in-laws will not spank my children, ever, period. I've discussed this previously with them and I doubt my request will ever be breached. However, they don't have poor reasoning and judgment skills due to an illness either. I would continue to not leave your children alone with him, but otherwise let this matter rest.




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