JackDonakey

Agreed. Although the physical problems are not likely a result of depression as she can't help them. They were botched procedures done on her years ago that are no causing issues.

Thanks! I did bring up the idea she may be suffering from some kind of depression. She jokingly laughed and agreed she may be depressed but blamed it on a few things (recent weight gain and some physical problems she's upset about). I mentioned that the depression may be the cause of her perceived lack of a connection with me and her weight gain. She maintained the weight gain and the lack of a connection are the cause of the depression. I have been doing a lot of research online about depression and I really, honestly believe she is suffering from a low to moderate form of it. I don't think that is our only problem but it is definately a part of it.

Foreverafter - I really appreciated your post and it really helped me over the weekend. I will continue to serve her to the Nth degree and give her opportunities to serve me. We had a good weekend overall. I took your advice on Friday night and asked for a hand rub while we laid in bed watching the news. To my surprise, she obliged! :)

Lutheran - We have not considered one of these (Magnify Your Marriage or Marriage Encounter). It is something I will keep in my back pocket for when the time is right. I will also bring it up when I speak with my Bishop to get his thoughts. I would be more than willing to do it. I'm willing to try anything but will prioritize what I think needs to come first. First we need to figure out if she's depressed. Then we can do other things. I will continue reading and trying my best to be a good, loving husband. Perhaps this Spring we could try a couples retreat. I know what she would say if I asked her now...she'd say that's "Cheesy" and would not want to do it. However, I think it's a great idea and may pull that card when it's the right time. I visited my physician yesterday and asked about depression. I've also been reading a lot on the web about it. My bet is she's depressed...maybe not major depression but she's depressed. The symptoms are mostly there.

The question is, how does one convince their spouse they are too selfish and need to focus more on their spouse and less on themselves...without coming off as selfish yourself. I agree with the person who said that essentially you will fall in love with somone if you devote your life to them and their needs over your own. I really do believe that. The problem is when someone is in to themselves and devotes themselves to their own selfish needs, how do you convince them they must change that to be happy? I really don't know. I've told her she needs to do that but I think she looks at it like she needs to fall in love first, then she'll devote. Anways, my hope is to screen her for depression first. She's indicated she may be depressed. After that, we'll see what's next but she seems open to having her own personal therapy rather than marriage counseling. She acknowledges I'm the perfect husband and I don't need to fix anything. I realize there are things I need to fix, like being more confident, getting less angry about things and other things but they are generally minor tweaks. I still devote my time and energy to her. Part of me thinks that could be part of the problem. She's come to expect it and takes it for granted. Anways, onwards and upwards. I meet with my Bishop (alone) this Sunday and will give him the heads up on what's going on. He's unaware at this point.

Thanks to all for the great advice and keep it coming. It's all advice I've heard at least once before either from our therapist or from books or both. I feel the connection with her, I love her deeply and treat her well. However, I may have only really started doing that back in January/February when I knew something was definately wrong. I think it's going to take time for me to rub off on her and I've had my hiccups along the way...getting mad at her for not showing me any affection and turning down advances for sex. I need to not get so upset and be more understanding. This is going to take time. I think her problem is she's very selfish. My wife is about my wife. Then she's about our children, then me (or maybe some of her friends). She needs to lose her selfish behavior and focus on people other than herself and on others needs (this is what I believe). It's not going to happen by me telling her to be less selfish. She's going to have to realize it for herself or hear it from someone else. I also think she could be suffering from mild depression but I'm not sure. Anyways, things went well yesterday. Yesterday was a good day but we need a lot more of those.

She's 35.

Ryan, thanks for the advice. I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. I will respond to you in a PM because I'd like more information regarding an APRN and the PhD you mentioned. I think she should be screened for depression and she's mentioned being depressed. She sleeps a lot but says it's because she lays awake at night thinking about our situation. She also thinks that her depression is a result of the situation and not the cause. I can't argue with her on that. We've really done nothing to create a connectio other than me trying very hard to culture a connection through spending more time together, more physical intimacy (not just sex) and trying to talk with her more about what's going on in her life and trying to show I care about her and what she's up to. I've read a number of books but not The Five Love Languages. I have read Dr. Laura's book on Marriages and various other articles. I'm not sure my wife has read much. She really seems to believe this is something that is either there or it's not, which is what scares me the most. Look for a PM shortly.

My wife has told me she feels no connection towards me. She loves me but does not feel that "connection" that she says married couples should feel. We've been married 14+ years, have two beautiful daughters, active in church, etc. There is no really big problem with the marriage (infidelity, abuse, drugs) and we both have a good level of mutual respect for each other. She does not show me any kind of affection unless it's in response to mine and even then it's half-hearted. We saw a marriage counselor back in the Spring and it helped some, mostly got us through the summer but we're back to the stage where she cries on occasion because of our situation. She's told me she feels lonely and alone in the situation. I do not think she wants a divorce nor do I think a separation or divorce is imminent but I do think that if we continue on our path that it could happen. She and I are not sold on our past therapist and are looking for someone new and possibly not a marriage therapist but a personal therapist for my wife but could go either way with a pesonal or marriage counselor. My wife feels the problem is with her and not me. She has said that perhaps she has emotional or psychiatric problems she needs to address. I'm not convinced of that. She says the problem has nothing to do with me...that I'm a kind, loving, good father, husband and good man in general. I would like to find a therapist that has a foundation in the gospel but not necessarily someone who works for the church or is overly "churchy" in their approach. We have not spoken with our Bishop about this yet but I plan to speak with him just to give him the heads up and ask for his thoughts. Does anyone have any advice for me or know of someone in the Salt Lake Valley they would recommend to help my wife either find her love for me, help her reconnect with me or just give her and us good advice and practices for how we can build that connection. Thanks