twort

Thank you all sincerely for your words of support, kindness, and even your criticism. I only update this forum in case someone else is having trouble and wants to follow my story start to finish. I hope no one chooses my path. I should have given an ultimadum, triend serious counseling, and then got my divorce. As that point my heart would be free and I could start over, after finding myself again; I could have felt good about my journey and wouldn't have to deal with all of the baggage my current relationship. But life is crazy and full of "if onlys". Making the best of where you are now is all you can do sometimes... and for me that is moving forward with my life, and trying to make things work with the woman I love. Slamjet, I appreciate your comments so much. I've been very frank and haven't been trying to convince anyone that I'm the good guy. I don't believe I am an abusive person, and there are no lines to read between. It's all here. If I wanted people to tell me to follow my heart and to justify my ations I wouldn't go to the mormon blog (attn. Eowyn, Badwolf and others)!! I'd go to cheaters annonymous or yahoo or ANYWHERE BUT HERE! I will probably post another update someday, and I'll keep monitoring this blog. Divorce sure is ugly by the way... no one ends up feeling right in the end. Again, thank you all.

Eowyn - I don't really care what else you have to say. Your comment was sarcastic, and intentionally hurtful. Please don't apologise, or respond in any way, I don't really care to read it. Why would someone like you even bother responding? Do you think you are making anything better, or did it just make you feel better to post something like that maybe? Badwolf - I'm no saint, obviously. I wasn't trying to paint myself in a good light. I was not physically violent or abusive, unless you are referring to how my deception hurt my wife... The final comment is truly unwarranted. Why did you post that? Shortstuff - I appreciate your insight and comments. I know I arrived at my current relationship in a less than ideal way, and I know it would be wise to take a step back as you suggested, but I am happy... it's a hard thing to do, and I truly believe I could have a happy life. I did run away from my marriage, but I know that was the good part. I was so unhappy. Windseeker - thank you for the input. Morningstar - I left her, and she wanted me back, but I wasn't happy. Regardless, I don't want to go back to her. I was so unhappy... All Apologies - thank you...

I just thought I would post an update, maybe my last. Maybe one more when there is more closure. Both of us are currently seeking divorces, mine may finalize in a week, and maybe in a year. Both of our spouses know what we did, and with whom we did it with. There are no longer any secrets. The novelty has worn off, but we still deeply love each other. I would never suggest anyone choose the route I chose, or the route she chose. I hope God forgives us, because behind us lies a trail of pain, and carnage. But our spouses can in no way be held harmless. I can especially attest to that in my situation. No one should go back and read my posts and waste their time, but my spouse did not respect me or treat me well. I can't say she didn't try to save things in the end, I can't even deny that she tried desperately to win me back, but I was so far emotionally removed that there was simply no way. Our marriage was already bad, and my extramarital affair demolished what remained. My family knows almost everything, and almost all of her family knows everything. We have so many complications, but honestly neither of us could keep away. Maybe stronger people would have made wiser choices, maybe stronger people would have moved faster. It's very confusing, but I do see that I was blinded by emotion when I composed many of those posts. I made so many mistakes. I am madly in love with someone who is madly in love with me, but our relationship will always be tainted, we will always have distrust, and we will always have to justify ourselves to her children, any children we have, and to ourselves. Like I said, there are no secrets, and many willing to tell our story to those we care about. Bad combination. Some things are certain: I am very happy in my current relationship and I feel alive, I never should have gotten married with the feelings I had at the time, and I am a deeply flawed person. No one has walked in our shoes, so be careful about harsh judgement. Even if I get a taste of my own medicine, or I make the same mistakes again, at least I've lived. At least I'm alive for this time of my life. I was totally dead inside, and now I'm excited to see the person I love. I've never been loved this way myself. I have a chance at it. It's been two years... a short time in the grand scheme of things, but about a year and a half longer than I've even been excited about someone before. This is worth a shot for me. I've aged 5 years in 2. I am broke. Her situation is about the same. I've been separated for a year. I will never regret leaving my old life behind. When I think of it my stomach fills with knots. Will I regret my new life? I hope not. I am in love. I am excited each morning. I'm lucky to feel this way for as long as it lasts, which I hope is forever; but I'm not ignorant to the facts. I hope those of you who are unhappy in your relationships will do something about it. I don't know if counseling works, but please try it. Don't stay together for the kids. If you can't make yourself happy within your marriage and you've been honestly trying for a year than leave it behind. All wounds will heal. I don't know if Mark Twain really said this or not, but it is often attributed to him (and I like it regardless): "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover" It's been the hardest time of my life, but I am happy. I have regrets, and made bad choices, but what choice do I have now? It's behind me, and all I can do is move on and try to learn. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by, And that has made all the difference.

Seriously... chill out Suzie and don't talk down to her... I'm so sorry about this...

It sounds like you already know what you want to do...

Ahhh... so sweet. Please stay in the honeymood phase forever and give us all hope that it's possible!

Wow, usually I'd say "you chose to forgive him and he's gone clean, so you need to work on forgiving him" - but CP is terrible... tough spot. I guess I'd say lay off his dad if all you've got is a gut feeling and no evidence.. I'm sorry you're in this mess... But I'd trst your gut enough not to let your kids be alone with him... it seems like it somehow runs in the family...

That is so sad... please, for your kids sake - end this mess....

This doesn't even make sense....

I didn't read the posts, but it sounds like you've done your time... and even more importantly it sounds like you're ready to move on and just want some validation here. By all means friend, please improve your life and move on. When you do you'll find that she probably reacts strongly and begs for you to come back - and that will be your call at that point. Manchild gave what I consider terrible advice, but advice is just an oppinion. I suggest starting down that path and seeing where it takes you. I'm guessing you will have a much harder time starting down that path than you are saying here, you probably feel trapped. Godspeed my friend, do what makes you happy and find someone who you can love and show your kids what a wonderful relationship can look like. Do you want them growing up thinking its ok to be controlled/controlling, lazy/overworked, unappreciative/unappreciated. Well your kids will grow up and have relationships just like yours if you don't do something about it... My soon to be X father in law is old, under total control, and completely isolated because he never did anything to take back his life. If you are being honest in this post then you owe it to yourself and your kids to move on. I know I'm not a shining example of what is right and I've made soem bad choices but I feel strongly that you should start to take action on what you've probably been considering for years and years. Please do something, even if it's just baby steps, or you will be unhappy for the rest of your life...

Morningstar - thank you for your comments. You are right about the unhealthy way I approach relationships. However, how can you say this (what is quoted above)? She is the one who tried to make things right by getting a divorce and ending the cheating, and she is the one who finally called it quits with me for the sake of her family. How can I possibly judge her for betraying her family when I'm the one who couldn't build up the courage to do ANYTHING? Anyway, we both made a mistake and she dealt with it a lot better than I did, at least she sought, and found, closure. I'm definitely more at fault in all of this if you look at the facts. Thanks again for your comments though.

Wife went on Cymbalta on Monday, hopefully she will become a happier person - the OW left her husband and moved into an apartment, I was too slow. Lost my opportunity because she went back to her husband after 2 weeks of non-action on my part. Says she couldn't do that to her kids, but I know it was my lack of response that caused this. I couldn't bring myself to destroy another person (my wife) in time to make a difference. I'm ashamed, sad, and still want a divorce. Now I'll be divorced, depressed, excommunicated, and alone. To be honest, my primary regret at this point is not leaving sooner. The damage was already done to my marriage, and I couldn't pull the trigger. I'll try to find my way at church again, but now everyone will know, or at least think they know, what ended my marriage. Excommunications cannot be secret in a religious Mormon family - no blessings, no garments, no sacrament... don't really know what to expect. I'm in the 30-35 age group - if I want to find a nice Mormon girl how do I explain myself? Do I have to tell future relationships that I cheated? All questions I have to ask myself now. The moral of the story: Don't cheat. But if you do, and you know you might be happy, and know that you aren't happy now - pull the freakin trigger and make your move. I have few regrets in my life - I served an honorable mission, have had some great relationships, and some not so great ones, have made mostly good decisions, have never stolen anything other than this woman's heart. Now I've crushed both of our hearts. We both still work together, both have excellent jobs, college degress and beyond, great family support, and loving, supportive people around us. But we don't have love. I will never do this again, that's for certain. All I can do now is be supportive of the OW from a distance and not try to ruin what she's trying. I think that's the last decision I can make that I can feel good about in the future. I want her to find happiness at least, I don't want to screw that up. We had what is probably our last heart to heart conversation this morning, cried at each other from across a table. No hug, only a promise from her that she was closing her heart and doing this for her kids. As if that made it better. I'm just rambling, but I thought I'd post the final chaptor of my story here. This has been a terrible adventure and I thank you all for your comments. Please don't jusdge me or people who make similar mistakes. We're all people, and make decisions as best as we can - some are better than others. None of you know what it's like to be me, in my situation. Keep that in mind. I guess that's it.... ‘Do not pursue the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. The past no longer is. The future has not yet come. Looking deeply at life as it is in the very here and now, the practitioner dwells in stability and freedom. We must be diligent today. To wait until tomorrow is too late. Death comes unexpectedly. How can we bargain with it? The sage calls a person who knows how to dwell in mindfulness night and day ‘one who knows the better way to live alone.’ -Bhaddekaratta Sutta

By way of update, I'll provide another post here. Everything is still crazy. I feel guilt and sorrow a lot, but I'm finally coming to the point where I realize that there is no easy way out, or good way out, or quick way out. People are going to get hurt because of me. Both the other woman and I have decided to end our marriages and give each other a "real" try. Neither of us have made that final step yet, but that is where we are. No promises. Honestly, my wife deserves an honest man who is more like her... I can't be happy with my wife, and she wouldn't be happy with me if she knew the truth. I believe I will be happy. I know many of you will be sceptical, but I'm open minded and hopeful. This whole thing has taken its toll on both the OW and me emotionally and physically, and it's time to move on. My feelings toward her haven't faded, only grown. JustAnotherGirl: thank you. Best. Post. Ever.

You keep revealing more and more of this story... seriously, leave that guy, not because he's a jerk but because you don't care about each other. You can find happiness somewhere and work on yourself, and so can he.

Ok, first of all visiting porn sites does not mean you are a child molester, Dove. Wow. 2 very seperate problems, 1 is a problem that maybe half of society has, the other is on the fringes of society.. wow. Rochelle - I read a lot of these posts, and it sounds like you want out. You should leave. Your husband has problems with the marriage (probably fueled by the lack of connection with you, since you aren't in love and don't love him like a romantic partner should) and you have problems with him - it sounds like you really resent how your life has gone since you married him. Do you really want to feel like you've wasted 18 years of your life instead of just 9? Or maybe your whole life? You are 32 years old. You have your children and probably some good memories. If you've been in counciling for a year and a half and still don't feel resolved about your situation, I don't see how you could stay? It's not fair to either of you. Cheating is never justified, but he probably did not feel a connection at home so he went looking... Many of the posters here will probably discount what I say because of a problem they know I have, but I guess I can say I can relate to your problem. Pray, talk to your parents, but seriously think about getting out while you are still young-ish ;-) - There are a lot of narrow minded people who have posted on here, and you don't seem particularly stable, but I know how it is to feel unstable because your mind is in turmoil. Anyway, I thought I'd throw that out there. Good luck!!