I have been going thru this for about 8 yrs now. It has been such an emotionally painful thing to deal with. For a few years my husband denied it. I was at the point that I was searching the PC history and crying everday. Finally I asked him very firmly and told him if he lied and I found out that I would leave him. He was humbled, apologetic and crying.
Things were better for a long time. Honestly as much as it hurt that time I was able to give it to Heavenly Father and let go. I was so relieved that I forgave him quickly. Still I had a filter put on the PC and the right to check in with him on it anytime I felt the need. I let Heavenly Father guide me with this. He went to the Bishop and repented.
There was a 4 year period that I knew he was doing well. He had a few slips but told me right away.
He was the Deacon’s Quorum Advisor for 3.5 yrs and I know that it kept him inline. Now we have moved and his calling isn’t that big anymore. I started getting that feeling that something wasn’t right again. At the same point he told me he slipped a few times that week. It started bothering me really badly this time. He had an ipod that I periodically checked and I found he had searched inappropriate things a few weeks later. I am now the owner of that ipod. He only has access to the internet from his work laptop that for one thing has a massive filter and for another he would be fired if he looked at it on there since they moniter things.
I have gone thru the whole spectrum of feeling so alone, knowing he was lying, being told the truth finally, having a ice peaceful period to having it happen again. While he has not been an avid addict ( he went in 2-3 week spurts where he would look a few times a week and then abstain, and then go back and there was no masterbating) it has been so hard. This time especially. I will feel like everything is fine for weeks and be very happy and then even though he hasn’t looked in a few months now, it hits again. It is almost like for a few years after he admitted I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore so I numbed myself. Now while I still love him I am noticing all his faults, wondering how it would have been if I had made a different choice when we were dating and feeling so depressed. Then I can numb it away again for a while. I am in the hurt time again. I feel like I am being bi polar about the whole thing. It is so hard because I can’t talk to anyone about it obviously. Yet I know that my friends and people I serve with probably notice that I seem off for periods of time. I have to put on a happy face and keep serving even though I am falling apart inside.
I want to have a family life where my husband presides and we are more spiritually minded. Right now even though I know I need Heavenly Father so much it is so hard to feel his love and to feel the desire to continually go to him.
I do love him and have hope that he can totally get past this and become the man I once knew. till I am terrifed he will keep slipping and make a bigger mistake. I have felt that Heavenly Father wants me to stay. Honestly the thought of leaving is too terrifying. Plus I do love him and have hope in him.
Anyone else notice when their Husbands have relapses that they are more grumpy and hard on the kids? He is always great to me and complimentary, etc. But he is too hard on the kids in those times.
I also want to express my fears to him but I feel like it would be counterproductive to his recovery. I feel bad saying this but sometimes I don't think he realizes just how much it has hurt me. Before he confessed the first time I honestly felt like I was better off dying because it was so unbearable.
I hope that makes sense. I always spurt my emotions out quickly and sometimes they aren’t organized lol.
