DevtheWind

I'm dark, with an obvious amount of white face paint.

I can't handle a large amount of stress or guilt very well. I will usually end up withdrawing myself in a dark room and rock to music, and if that doesn't work, and the problem(s) become overwhelming, I'll resort to... desperate (legal) measures. Merry Christmas everyone.

I love some of the rated R movies I have seen. Schindler's List, King's Speech, American Sniper, Gladiator, Saving Private Ryan, and Braveheart, among many others. On the contrary, some of the pg-13 movies I have seen were complete and utter garbage for my eyes. Like the Transformers series. Goodness. Anyway, I gave up on caring what others really thought about me, I found many just tried to guilt trip me into doing what they wanted.

I am really sorry you have misophonia and had to deal with depression, but I am really happy you found your way back to the Church, gained a true testimony, and have a greater sense of purpose. I wish you only the best, and thank you for replying with kindness. Edit: I don't know if I will ever return, but it is definitely a possibility. And along those same lines, maybe I will come to the conclusion that going inactive was a huge mistake in my life. We'll just have to see.

I went inactive because I have a neurological disorder (misophonia) and I honestly hated going to church. Not only that, but during the peak of my depression, I felt abandoned by God, and I still feel the pain of his abandonment. Can't say I miss it though. I would dread every day that got closer to being in a three hour house of heck. Bathroom stakeouts became the norm until I moved out. Now I don't fear the weekend, and I feel overall happier.

Yeah I figure most people here will not like Hollywood Undead at all, they are very dark and most of their songs contain profanity.

Oh man, after reading all of your guys' music preference, I realize how young I really am. That and how unexperienced I am in these different styles. I tried listening to Pink Floyd, Metallica, and other 'legendary' bands, and ended up disliking much of their songs. My favorite bands are, in order: Hollywood Undead Twenty One Pilots BROODS Starset And as for church hymns, I actually dislike listening to them outside of church. I guess I better be prepared to be burned at the stake now.

None of us here are mental health professionals, and as such I believe that you should seek one immediately, schizophrenia is a very serious mental illness, and any questions you have should be saved for the professional who has spent several years studying your disorder. If you are unsure of where to find a mental health specialist, contact your bishop or his counselors, and they will be able to help you in any way they can. Same goes if money is an issue, they will be able to help with that as well.

This^^^

I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. I wish I had responded to all of your wonderful comments but I was occupied at the moment, so I'll respond to as much as I can without using quotes... LiterateParakeet, I wanted to thank you for sharing what you said, it helped a lot, and you vocalized much of what I thought and felt with great detail, so again, thank you. Heber13, I found much of what you said helpful, especially the part where you said, “I want you to know you are loved by a Heavenly Father for who you are.” Because a part of my Patriarchal Blessing says, “So know that your Heavenly Father loves you...” and it brought me to tears. And I also wish my best to your daughter. SquidMom, thanks so much for your comments, especially the one about writing poetry, cause I tried it, and it worked very, very well. It was such a great way of expressing my pains that I went through. I'd rather not post it but If you ever wanted to read it just PM me. BadWolf, thanks for the medical definition of why self harm causes a sense of relief, while I sort of knew part of it (I'm taking Psychology and we were covering this) I didn't know all of it. But I am confused at what Sensory Seeking is and I was just curious if you could provide more clarification. Jayanna, I wanted to especially thank you for sharing what you did, cause it really helped me refocus and stop what I was thinking about (cutting). And I thank you for the spirit-body analogy, that helped a lot too. ...Just to let you all know, I have been doing better and have not cut myself for perhaps three or four days now, and my parents took away my knife yesterday. Though the craving to cut myself grows, I think I will be able to hold myself down for now. In the meantime, I will see about getting emotional help on this matter, but I highly doubt it will be anytime soon. My parents don't like talking about this at all, my mother just talked to me about it and said it was for weak and attention-deprived people, which wasn't that helpful, and they want me to go to them for everything, and they yell at me when I want to talk to the bishop or a therapist, but I'll definitely try on getting other help...

I have been to therapy before, when I was much younger I went for anger management problems, but the therapy only pushed the anger deeper inside, It didn't get rid of it. I didn't even complete the therapy either, we had to move, and that was the end of it. That's why I don't trust professionals very much, they didn't help me at all. And I don't want to burden my Bishop with this stuff either.

Yes, I was physically and emotionally abused by my biological father as a child (3-5 years old). And my aunt molested me, though that is a completely different story.

I really, really don't think it's a form of masochism... I definitely don't receive any form of sexual pleasure/gratification when I self-loathe... I attack my inner feelings of happiness, dreams, and hopes, and it somehow feels good. As for professional help, I really don't like talking to people about this, even strangers. I tried to explain to my parents, my mom is a medical nurse for heaven's sake, and she didn't even understand. I agree it probably is not healthy, especially cutting myself, but it helps a lot to cope and to take control of my pain.

I can remember self-harming ever since I was young, whether it be pulling out my hair, punching or slamming my head or body into harder objects, or pinching myself really, really hard until I started crying. Though it has just evolved into cutting, which I don't make deep, lasting cuts, only shallow cuts on my arm, is this a really serious sin, like, will I be kept from reaching the Celestial Kingdom if I continue? Or is it just minor, and I won't really be punished by doing this?

For some odd reason, whenever I begin to self-loathe, I get this weird feeling in my heart. But it doesn't feel bad, like, it doesn't emotionally hurt myself, it actually feels really good to hate myself and crush my insides and my feelings, but I don't know why. Does anyone know what this is called? Or does it even have a name?