knitwit

For those of you following this thread and who have given advice on this situation, I thought you might like an update. After some serious talking to him in a firm standing my ground, but also respectful way I have broken some of the ice surrounding this situation. It is starting to appear much better than before. He seems to be making small efforts to change the issues spoken of. Counseling is not something I am throwing out all together, but seeing his increased efforts gives me hope and a little more understanding of where he is coming from. Praying for the best!!

If you find yourself at times "robbing Peter to pay Paul" so to speak, how do you go about paying tithing for the family?

Thank you Anne and bad wolf for your comments and kindness. A lot of points have been raised that help me assess this situation. I am going to try a few things and seek help with this if I can and alone at first if I have to.

I sure hope it changes with time. We are both very affectionate towards our children and I am not sure what it was like for him when he was growing up at all. I could only guess that his mother was more rough and less affectionate based on how I see her with the grandkids in the family. I just think he knows better but doesn't care. I think all the time, " I wish he could feel the desire I have in my heart for him" that would solve everything. If he could just feel it for a moment. Everytime I try to express it he just laughs it off or shuts it down. I almost think he gets some sort of joy out of the fact that he knows I want something badly so he withholds it on purpose, like it's a big joke. I don't think it's funny at all. It just hurts.

I checked out your website but since I don't live in CA it looks like I can't sign up for the counseling through you. Is there a way to find LDS counselors in my area?

Well, he is a convert from inactive parents. They never took him to church. He started going when we were dating. We were married and then sealed. All our children have been born after being married. He used to be more spiritual mostly during his military deployment. Used to pray with me and encourage family home evening but suddenly not so much. There is a lot of anger from him over the smallest things and he would rather go nap and be alone more often than normal but that comes and goes and I just figured he was tired from working so much.

I am relieved to hear some of your answers, because it is making me feel as though I am not some crazy attention demanding girl. I just want what should be mine, my husband. I never imagined that married life would be this way. I am 25 and he is 28. I have asked him about the possibility of abuse with his not wanting to touch or be touched in certain ways. His mother is more rough, out spoken,and aggressive by nature and his father is fairly passive. It was a rocky road when we first got together with her. Things in that area are much better now. Having children seems to bring the in-laws closer. @ mdfxdb I agree with you on my bishop not being a marriage counselor, but he and his wife have told me to come to them with anything if I ever wanted too. However, I am not sure they have the experience to handle this situation. I am just afraid that my whole life is going to be this way...him always putting himself before God (which should be 1st) and before me (which should be 2nd) and in my mind I just have these visions of what life should be like...things like kneeling down to pray together at night and going to the temple together....even other little things that don't happen. I just feel like I am missing out and one day the chance is over even though we are fairly young now, time goes so quickly. I am at least happy that he treats the children well.

I wish I could do that but unfortunately he thinks this idea is crazy and not needed. He thinks it's silly and childish of me to require him to do so and feels that he has not done anything wrong. I have even suggested maybe just the Bishop and he shakes his head at that idea too. I have resorted to just holding it in. This is the first time I have opened up about it to anyone aside from him. I have searched online and considered online counseling for just myself to start, but I don't feel that it would solve the problem but just help me cope with it maybe? I don't want to numb myself of everything that makes me the passionate person that I am, but at the same time I'm not sure it's worth the pain of wanting something so badly that you cannot have. I keep thinking that I should just be grateful for what I've got and leave it at that, but at the same time it seems dangerous to leave the problem completely unattended. It seems to come in waves with me and I am afraid of the shore that they could crash on when they fall. I just try to stay strong in my faith. I am usually the only one at church and I take the kids alone too. He does work a lot and in a position that does not allow him to take off sometimes, but he also thinks it's okay to not pay tithing and sleep in on the days that he doesn't have to work just so he can have a day off to his self. But he wants to plan trips to see temples and buys me books from deseret. It's all very confusing. I just keep thinking the bishop is probably my best course of action.

This happens to me too and just remember to not get close to the edge. I speak from experience and regret and try to remember the story of Lot's wife. Don't look back even if the thoughts and dreams don't let up. I deal with this daily and have tried my best to tune out the things that remind me of that time and place in my life. Good luck!

thank you for posting! A book I have and like is called "And They Were Not Ashamed" which can be found here: DeseretBook.com - And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment Paperback by Laura M. Brotherson

I'm sorry I don't understand your question on the resentment.

I very much appreciate all of your comments and I did find and download the book spoken of. I read a little of it and plan to review it closer later. As far as being open and honest, I am and I have been for years, but it doesn't seem to change things much. I try not to go over the top with my requests now but in the past I have written out to him how I am feeling. It wasn't received well. He thought it was silly mostly. That kind of hurt because I put a lot of my heart and soul into it and tried to explain myself as best I could without being negative. I have also tried just showing him what I want by being that way to him. I will kiss him and he does not kiss back. He just holds his mouth in a straight line and lets me but does nothing in return. I wrap my arms around him or put my head on his chest and he remains still. I do not understand why it is so hard to just be affectionate in return. I can understand that men show their love mostly during sex, but to completely shut out all other forms of physical closeness completely confuses me. I mean I am assuming that most couples sleep next to each other at night in their bed. That doesn't happen here. If he does come to bed he is all the way on the other side with his own blanket and back to mine but most of the time he is on the couch or guest bed leaving me alone. And what I mean about past relationships by closeness are things like just sitting together and watching a movie or time kissing and touching that doesn't extend past that, but then again it was just dating and sex was not involved, so maybe in those cases it just seemed different. I have nothing against sex, but I am about so much more than that and I guess this desire that I have is my biggest strength as well as my biggest weakness and maybe I just need to learn how to channel it into something different that shows Christ like love and service and caring for others. I just feel like it's a shame that he can't do these things for me. I promise I shower and take care of myself so I don't think he is unattracted to me in anyway and it doesn't stop him from getting what he wants when he wants it to be so frank. All on his terms and even the things we talk about in conversation are all about him. I love him but I hate how self centered and absorbed that he can be.

I'm not sure I understand the question. I am not talking about sex so much as affection and closeness.

Hi, I am personally struggling with something I try hard not to show. I do my best to keep it together, but sometimes it consumes me. I am in my mid 20 and have been with my spouse from the time of first date to now for several years, but less than 10 total. We are temple married and do have children. All of my life I have yearned for and craved deep physical affection and closeness. I am coming to realize that it's not been possible for my spouse to show me this kind of attention and it really hurts. I know it's not all about me and my children and others are important, but I am struggling to keep this inside. I hear of others that get this kind of attention from their wife/ husband and it bothers me a lot. It's like I can literally feel my heart aching and wanting more. I do express this need in a way that won't hurt his feelings and he just laughs it off and makes everything a joke. We do have sex, that is not the problem, but the lack of deep emotional connection is. He might not need that, but I do so badly. Maybe I am more of a passionate person than he is, but shouldn't he be trying to meet my needs as I do his? It bothers me to the point that sometimes my mind wanders down paths that it probably shouldn't, but I literally feel like a plant that is getting plenty of water, but left in the dark and just wants to bask in the warm sunshine to grow and bloom. I always think back to the fact that most of my life I grew up without a father figure and wonder if maybe that's why I seem to crave this affection and attention?! Maybe not, but it's always in the back of my mind. I will be out and about and see a guy that is slightly older than me and attractive and just think in my mind, " I wonder if he would give me the attention I feel like I deserve?" I know this isn't right and sounds slightly crazy but it is the truth. I do love my husband and we have faced some challenges in our marriage and had to spend time apart before that was beyond both of our control for his work. I get even worse during these times. I just feel like things are just on his terms and my needs will always be second. I have experienced closeness like this with past boyfriends so I kind of know what it is that I am missing and it's a lot for my heart to handle. I have spent many nights with tears down my face and my heart in prayer to my Heavenly Father...I normally just get over it in the morning and spend my time and energy in service to others and my children. Any advice on this situation would be appreciated.