WRGiant44

My biggest worry here would be that the two of you are beginning to separate the concepts of marriage and sexuality. Sex is meant to be a union of one-ness, a culmination of something that is already there in a marital relationship. Yes, the sex drive, out of necessity, is strong, and cases like this, it is easy to throw two people who are suddenly vulnerable "into the sack" on the justification that they are married (if currently separated), and hey, it's "just sex." I'm not sure either of you have genuinely asked why you want to do that. To me, that is indeed one of the things that will bring you back together. St. Paul, in I Corinthians 7, does remind us why each should have his or her own spouse. Does that sound idealistic? Maybe. But that is also what makes us keep learning more and more about the other. As you do, at some point, the "Big O" becomes one-ness, not that which is generally assumed. I must caution you about one more thing touched upon by another respondent. For the same reasons already listed, this is a vulnerable time in the relationship. And while it may be unthinkable for one of you to take this time and use it to give yourself away sexually to someone else, it may not be for both of you. Just be extremely careful and devoted to prayer during this time. I wish you both well - and will pray for eventual reconciliation and marital strength.

I'm SO sorry for what you are going through. While I have not had to face prison-time for false allegations, I spent years and thousands of dollars on my attorney fighting allegation after allegation from an embittered ex-wife. My suggestions are not easy, and I wish I could tell you that this will all go away some day soon. But whether it does or not, consider the following: Never, EVER stoop to the level of these people. No matter what they have done to you, do not lower yourself to their gutter-ball mentality. Somehow, keeping your actions above-board eventually does bring about rewards that those who sling such mud will never receive, even if it doesn't come nearly fast enough (especially for you); Someway, somehow, find the spirit of forgiveness for these people. I am not suggesting that you find a way to become buddy-buddy with them again. But part of forgiveness does involve a willingness to leave a problem between the individual who has done this and their God. You do not let it continue to poison your life, and find a way to mentally and spiritually put it behind you. With the help of the Spirit, that is not only possible, it is the only real solace you will ever find; Especially if you can actually pull off the above two items, be content with whatever may happen to your marriage, knowing that God has a plan for you. If your wife is indeed that special person, and you are living your life with the above two items, she may indeed be brought back. But even if she is not, do everything you can to still take seriously whatever role you can still be given as a husband and father; I have one final suggestion for you. Commit your life to godly endeavors, whatever that may mean. You still have quite a life in front of you, regardless of where that life goes or who may be in it. No matter how the past may ultimately turn out and how history judges it, what you become in the years to come is still totally up to you. I pray for you, my friend and hope that the Lord brings you the power of His love and spirit into your heart, life and family.

While this is one thread where it is impossible to try to compare anyone else's marriage, and what it is that each individual wants and likes out of the other person, I do understand this - a marriage is like two overlapping circles. There is unquestionably some commonality where the circles meet - and some, if not a lot of that is essential for a good marriage. But the absolute most anybody can hope for is probably about 75%, maybe 80% overlap. And for such a broad topic as "intellectual compatibility," I have to believe those numbers also hold true for a couple - the most compatible intellectually might reach 75%, maybe 80%. The problem is that other 20-25%(+). While some of that is actually preferred (part of the "opposites attract" thing), there will always be some qualities, preferences, etc. in the person you marry you will wish (s)he had. Invariably, those who have affairs seek out at least pieces of the 20-25% they don't have or get in a marriage. And after the affair has been going on for awhile and those urges have been satiated for a period of time (whether it is to turn into something else or not), what does the offending spouse discover? That there is often far less total overlap in the person they are having an affair with - and that they genuinely miss a lot of what their spouse offered. Sometimes it isn't even a trait like a certain kind of compatibility - sometimes it is just actually knowing the person like few do - even to little things like how their spouse likes their tea or whatever. Yes, there are some traits you may very, very well want or need in a spouse - things that are far more important than others. And if you know what those are, good for you - seek them out in a person beyond anything else. But you only get so many of those compatibility traits, no matter who you choose to marry - so choose them carefully. And remember that there will be some traits IN EVERY MARRIAGE that a spouse will just have to be content to do without. Just enjoy and appreciate what you DO have - and never, EVER turn to someone else (opposite sex/affair) to fulfill what is missing.

I also am confused here. This sounds like an individual who still wants it both ways. He is a married man. If he truly cares about his marriage, and after what he has done, he should have NO problems: *Letting you see his e-mails and text messages and giving you his passwords to all for as long as necessary; *Giving you a strict accounting of where he is and what he is doing, even at work; *Agreeing to ask you ahead of time (and abiding by whatever decision you make) in terms of any kind of contact with the opposite sex beyond that which is absolutely necessary in the workplace; *Taking a HUGE amount of initiative in terms of showing, in his life and conduct, his remorse for what he has done, his willingness to help you in the healing process, and his commitment to now making his marriage better than it has ever been. For those who have done this and are truly sorry, the above things are easily agreed to. These people show their spouse DAILY that they are committed to whatever changes in life they have to make to show that is happening. Otherwise, this man needs to be shown the door with his suitcases. And even if he tries showing remorse after that, EVERYTHING will have to be done on your terms (and don't be afraid to make them strict), not on his. In the meantime, my heart bleeds for you. I have been through this myself. Even though my spouse genuinely does not seem to know how to show proper remorse, her actions show me she is trying as hard as she can. And it is clear that ALL contact with this individual has finally ceased (an absolute, absolute must, even if the man has to change jobs). I wish you well, and God's richest blessings!