I am a middle-aged father with three children: a 13+ daughter, a 12-y.o. son and an 11-y.o. daughter. A brief description of each: The older daughter is very small for her age -- quite "petite." She loves the Gospel and tries to do what's right, but she can be extremely contrary. My son is about 12-1/2, and has had the Priesthood since just after his 12th birthday. My younger daughter is "milder" than the other two, and goes to great lengths to be obedient to both her parents and to the commandments. It would take weeks to outline all of the different occasions in which the older two kids' behavior was out of line. But I think this morning's "scene" can provide a general example of what I want to convey and ask about. I will do my best to be brief; I apologize if I don’t succeed very well. My wife and I were lying in bed, thinking about what the day would hold, as we prepared to get up and get ready. While lying there, I vaguely noticed that there was some kind of contentious interaction going on at the far end of the house. Soon, our older daughter entered our bedroom and began complaining about her brother’s mistreatment of her. She said he had acted like he was her father and was bossing her around. As it turned out later, he was asking her to go to her room and get some clothes on, since she had just emerged from the shower and only had a towel around her. We then asked her brother to come and see us to discuss the matter. He indicated that he was uncomfortable with her only having a towel around her and said she should get dressed. To paraphrase, he said that she had instantly become belligerent, shouted at him, and said something to the effect of “I wish I had a knife right now.” Well, from my viewpoint, regardless of who was at fault for what, that statement by my daughter was extremely out of line. However, I pointed it out to the both of them that in recent times, they were often unkind to each other. Unfortunately, our efforts to reason with them quickly disintegrated into utter failure. They were both upset with each other’s descriptions of what had transpired, and neither one of them seem to have any desire to listen to our counsel. They were both argumentative and interrupted both of us continually while we attempted to discuss things with them. I’m not sure if either one acted worse than the other; however, my son’s conduct was especially rude and out of line. When interrupting us did not work for him, he then simply proceeded to speak louder and talk over us. After a few of our words here and there reached his ears, he said over and over things like “Whatever” and “I don’t care!” At one point, it was very upsetting to me how rude and disrespectful he was to his mother. As with other occasions, I had exhibited patience for quite some time, but his conduct towards his mother finally became the “final straw.” He left the room while his mother was still trying to reason with him, and he began to saunter away down the hall. She calmly but firmly asked him to return, but he utterly ignored the request. In an even voice, I advised him to either return as his mother asked, or I would come and bring him back myself. Another unsuccessful conversation ensued, during which I sternly pointed out to him how rude and disrespectful he was being, particularly towards his mother. He again muttered things such as “I don’t care” and “so what,” after which he again sauntered away. (I know this behavior can occur in the mid-teens, but it's rather upsetting to see it in a 12-year-old. With both he and our daughter having left the room, my wife had a few words for me. To paraphrase, she said that my speaking to our son sternly was wrong (for the record, I had not yelled or even shouted), and that doing so was “very juvenile of me.” Not only had I maintained considerable patience beforehand, I also feel that he needed some stern speech, since speaking to them calmly in a regular voice was thoroughly ignored and apparently ridiculed. I reminded her that the Scriptures tell us that sometimes we need to “reprove betimes with sharpness.” I pointed out that the Lord throughout history has shown long-enduring patience with His children, and that it is often a very long time before He finally makes his displeasure known. It is then that He “reproves His children with sharpness,” which sometimes means severe judgments come upon them (us). I made this point because, in addition to the fact that I disagree with her evaluation of my parenting (this morning), I also feel how she handles things is way too far in the other direction. There will be little or no respect, or regard for our counsel, if she continually handles things with kid gloves. I feel this is one reason things have come to this point. I do not like to be in disagreement or “call her” on these things, but in some ways she is sabotaging the very progress and results with them that she’s looking for. It’s difficult to speak up and try to reason with her concerning the specific things, since she ultimately seems to have the attitude of “my way or the highway.” I know I can make these things a matter of prayer and present them to the Lord, but He wants us to use good sense and use many venues to find answers to our problems, so I thought I would see what other LDS parents might have to say here. I did say I would try to be brief; I’m sorry that this is longer than I expected, but I thought it expedient to provide some details to clarify the situation. Thank you in advance for your thoughts and comments …
