james.po

That's one of the reason I became inactive. People kept asking me to drive then places for free, buy them stuff, work for free, and even volunteered me to give my money to charity. I even spent months hauling two members around, dropping everything I was doing every time they called. In return? Once I stopped doing it all because I couldn't afford the money or time any more, almost everyone stopped talking to me. There were some who were grateful, but many seem to expect me to me on call with a car, money, and time.

Yes, she has probably lied about something in her lifetime and has some secret she hasn't told anyone. Everyone has and when other people, even members of this church, find them out, they use it against that person. But the point isn't about anything in her life. It's about others judging her unfairly, using what they do and do not see against her. I didn't say to use their lies and secrets against them, I said use it to your advantage. You will find that you care a lot less about the judgement of others when you know their lies and secrets. There were several people in my ward that believed lies about me that another person told them. When I learn the lies and secrets of his life, suddenly it no longer mattered to me what he said. So I waited. Eventually the members found out who he really was. Unfortunately, by the time the truth did come out, the damage was done. Some people still believed him, some didn't, and I had an unearned reputation. While I no longer cared about the judgments casts upon me, I got tired of dealing with it and so it became one of the reasons I am inactive. Perhaps had I found a way to use it to my advantage, the situation could have ended better. So find out the secret and lies of those that judge you. At the very least, you will know them for who they really are and perhaps find a way to use it to your advantage.

Everyone lies and has secrets. Anyone who judges you is hiding their own lie or secret that is probably worst than anything you have done. Find out their lies and secrets and use it to your advantage. After all, that's what they are doing when they judge you.

Most Mormons in my area love wealth inequality. They relish in it sometimes, buying the biggest SUVs, bragging about how much they have, their house, and, of course, how their kids are above average, and generally have a patronizing attitude towards the poor. I have heard many statements that amount to, "it's always their own fault for being poor". Their kids go around bragging about everything they own (or rather what their parents bought them) and seldom do anything that doesn't involve spending money or being at one of the wealthier families' house. In three years, I have only seen 1, maybe 2, ward activities that involved helping a group of disadvantage people. They also take extraordinary pride in the church, bragging about how they and their kids are chosen, the important people they know in the church, and of course every trip to Utah for General Conference is brought up, most often during testimony meetings. The families that are considered "more important" to the ward also tend to fill up the calling with themselves and their kids. So basically they are like most people. They love inequality as long as it favors them. Fortunately, not everyone is like that, but most are here.

I would be an atheist, which is just about where I am already.

What I mean is that we are adults and we shouldn't have to confide anything to people who are not responsible for our actions. It's my business, not anyone else's. Besides that, who can you really trust with what you say. You already know the bishopric talks to each other about you, and in a YSA ward, they are especially over zealous about being into your business because they think you're still a child. Can you really trust someone not to accidentally say something?

I wouldn't tell you branch president, bishop, or anyone that you feel will have the power to punish you for being inactive. If punishment is to follow my return to church, then I will never return.

The church doesn't set any obstacles for you to join. The culture on the hand... Many members set up obstacles in the form of assumptions and judgements about you. They will not hate you, but they will have many preconceived and misconceptions about you and your status. You basically will have to options to get past this type of obstacle: do your own thing and care about what others think, or just fall into one of their cliques. I already tried the latter with no success so now I'm doing the former. It sounds great to not care what others think, but for me it has lead to inactivity.

Who cares whether there is a specific rule on changing wards. Just go to the family ward with your fiancé. If anyone asks, just say you prayed and felt that the family ward was where you should be. If they force you to be somewhere you are uncomfortable, then they are being hypocrital. Most importantly, never, under any circumstances, tell them how you really feel about the ysa ward or any of the members. That's just asking for problems.

I can see how you might interpret what I said wrong. That is the general consensus from those people, not specific quotes from specific people in that specific order. I have to paraphrase what people say because I cannot quote them exactly. The Bishop said that "it's the way the church is" and that "it's not about socializing" about 20 minutes before he said that the new person should be invited to all the social gatherings. When non-friends ask me what is wrong and I tell them, they respond that I am "whining" and "want pity" and that the "church isn't about socializing". And then friends tell me that "the church is not about socializing", often just before they head to the get together I wasn't invited too. --- The stuff in quotes are literal statements I have heard from these people several times, but I have to paraphrase it because I do not remember the exact wording of each entire statement. Some people have told me that they notice this kind of behavior in the church and that they noticed that I never seem to get invited. Some people tell me that it's not true, that I am imagining it, and that the church isn't about socializing anyway. I just wanted to understand this idea that the church isn't about socializing when so much of it revolves around socializing. I know it's not a priority, but isn't it a part of it? Whatever the case is, as of last month, I know longer consider myself an active member. I will not post on this again; I just wanted to correct the possible misconception I caused about the Bishop.

Yeah, you're all right. Forget I posted this. I have to be myself and if that means I follow a different path than the church, then so be it. There are other ponds out there for me to swim in. It's a good church and I am glad to see so many good people come from it. Toodle pip and cheerio, my good chums.

I did not come across this exact topic in a search of the forum, but I did find some similar ones with good advice, so I am taking a chance here. I have been a church member for almost two years and cannot adapt to the culture. The members are friendly enough, but it is as if I do not exist, or am not wanted, once a church activity is over. Originally, I had a few friends, but most have moved and the two remaining show no concern whether I attended church or not; they are friends either way and I am thankful for that. There has been occasions where my friends would get invites to non-church activities, sometimes right in front of me, but not I, and some occasions where one of my friends would accidentally let it slip that someone invited them and not me to a get together. He would feel bad for leaking it and invite me to come along, only to my dismay as people obviously found it rude and inconsiderate that I was there. I honestly do not think anyone is being hateful or mean, but maybe just non-inclusive. Most of them are single like me and we have a lot in common. The only conclusion I can draw is that people do not want to be around my personality. I do not have any of the prized Mormon attributes. I admit that I am cynical, sarcastic, and not always a happy person (partly because of clinical depression), but I try to make people laugh by turning it into jokes. Most do laugh and tell me how funny I am, but it does not seem to help. I understand that people are not required to be my friend, but I cannot figure out what I am doing wrong to them. I have hosted movie nights, invited everyone out to a movie, and suggested all kinds of activities, with some limited success. I try to help people and I have loaned money, bought food, given rides, shared my home, fed missionaries, given talks, given my testimony, and tutored students. Everyone appreciates it and thanks me, but I often end up sitting at home alone because no one invites me out and the only alternative social activity I can think of that I can do alone would be clubbing, which I gave up to join the church. When I mention this problem to someone—bishops, leaders, friends, non-friends—they say that I am whining, that I want pity, and that the church is not about socializing. If that is true, then why is there an emphasis on socializing? When I was in ward council, the first thing people would say when someone new showed up was that they need to be invited to all the social activities, they need a friend to hang out with, and should be given a calling. These are all social activities. Potlucks, camping, ward meetings, Elder’s Quorum, Sunday school, even simply helping someone move is a social activity. The only thing that is not social in the church is private study. I admit that it is not the primary purpose, but how can socializing not be a part of it? I stopped attending church except for the occasional sacrament meeting in which I would leave during the closing hymn. If the church really is only about God, then sacrament is the only activity required to be in a social setting because we cannot do it alone. Almost every Christian faith performs sacrament, which is about your personal relationship with God. The specific ceremonial details are not important compared to the personal and private promise you make with God. It is hard to believe that God would not want your promise because one blessing was slightly different from another. In that case, it does not matter which Christian church you attend. Even though it is a great church filled with great people, it may not be a fit. I guess I just do not understand the argument that socializing is not part of it. When people say that, it feels like an excuse for excluding people. I watched “Joseph Smith: The Prophet of the Restoration,” and it seems to me that socialization was one of the most important aspects of their society and how they survived.