Annieness

I would give a lot to be able to tell my mom about things, but the problem is, she was a single mom for 13 years (having left an abusive relationship of about 6 years) and so she had to raise me and my two older brothers by herself with a job that paid very little and required her to stay up into the night and wake up early in the morning. Because of this, we saw her very little and kind of raised ourselves. Both of my brothers suffer from severe mental problems and because of the amount of time she had with us, almost all of her energy was focused on my brothers. She depended on me to be the one child who never had any problems, and who she could go to tell her worries and stresses to. She is very much an A type personality, so little things stress her out, and her previous marriage has left her insecure. When she found out that both my brothers were struggling with a serious porn addiction that lead to other problems, she was crushed and felt like she hadn't been a good enough mother. Both of my brothers were sexually abused as children, so everything was crumbling in around her. Of course this meant that I had to shove my feelings and worries aside. But the stress finally caught up to me physically and I nearly died because of something called intestinal malrotation, which extreme amounts of stress can worsen the symptoms of. I wouldn't tell her about any of my pain until my situation urgent, because I knew that she had a lot of stress with my brothers and also a new marriage that she was struggling adjusting to. After my surgery, my stepdad lost his job and we went in serious debt. My recovery is still ongoing, nearly three years later, which also stresses out my mom. I felt like all of the money problems and family fights were all my fault. My mom even told me after a fight that I had ruined her marriage, so you can see why I became depressed and suicidal. Then we moved, my stepdad got a job, and things got better, but somehow my mom and stepdad still are tense about money even though we have more now than I ever did growing up, and they still fight. I tried telling my mom about my depression several times through out my life, but she brushed it aside. A few months ago I told her about my anxiety attacks and how severe they are, and she didn't seem to piece it together. It wasn't until I had my most recent one where only my friend could calm me down that she actually realized what was going on. Even just hearing about the anxiety attacks flipped her bucket. She blames all of it on my friend's dad and the ward. I cannot bring myself to tell her about any of the abuse because then she'll really feel like she failed as a mother. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she has already been hurt. But I can't keep this bottled up inside of me anymore, and that's why my friend was trying to get me to socialize in the stake and make friends, and was/is helping me through things and teaching me to not be so hard on myself. The reason why I'm so upset about his dad, really, is not being anything except that this is the only 'therapy' of any sort that has ever worked before. He's really trying to help me out and get his friends to include me, take me on dates, and help me forget about all of the terrible things. And it's great because it's the only time I've ever felt clean and nice. I want more friends like this. I'm tired of being all alone and suffering, but my anxiety extends to social things and I can't do it without immense amounts of support, and he is the only one that can give it. I really do want help, but all of the places I should get it from seem to be the wrong places to look.

**This is much more serious than it seems at first glance, please, PLEASE help me...I'm at a breaking point** I am 16 years old (nearly 17), and one of my closest friends is a 17 year old guy, who is nearly 18. We text and talk a lot like I do with my other friends. I do have 'feelings' for him because he is my friend, and that's sort of expected but pretty much irrelevant (well, sort of). I have never been on a date with anyone because I have yet to be asked, and he is leaving on his mission in six months. But out of nowhere -about five or so months ago- his dad started being weird and wanted him to stop texting me. I didn't know anything because no one talked to me about it, so I innocently kept texting him and calling him. He has had his phone and tablet taken away several times and his facebook account deleted, all to prevent him from talking to me. I don't get why his dad was confiscating his phone and stuff when they had an app to get every text we sent to each other and we didn't talk about or do anything weird...we just talked about regular things friends talk about. The 'worst' thing we've really done is held hands once because I had a huge anxiety attack and really needed support, and then later on temple trip, but we're friends, so what's the big deal? Anyway, so for five months, his dad has actually had the whole ward 'spying' on us. That's insane because the only time we see each other is at church things! What are they going to see us do? It's been brought to the bishop by my mom who is concerned for my health because being scrutinized like this has caused my anxiety to spike and my attacks to be more frequent and intense, and my friend's dad hasn't changed anything and now my mom hates him and wants to move from the ward. She is very, very worried about me. My friend finally got his phone back, and called me and finally told me his dad knows he likes me and that's why he's being so weird; he doesn't want his son to have a girlfriend before his mission. But the thing is, I am not in a healthy mental or emotional state having been abused emotionally, physically, and sexually for several years and that sort of thing is so far from my mind. I am always swearing to everyone I will never get married because I am so terrified of things. This boy is my only friend close by, and I need my friend more than ever right now because my depression is getting so much worse than before and my anxiety attacks have been so bad. I probably wouldn't still be here if he hadn't called me for several such events. Anyway, he kept saying during the phone call how much he missed me, and I suddenly realized how much he feels for me. His dad is wise to not want him to get a girlfriend, but he's being counterproductive. He won't let his son go to church with his family anymore, because I am in that ward, he goes to mutual somewhere else, and he no longer attends mission prep because I do. This no contact thing is only going to make things worse, and I really need to talk to my friend and explain to him why liking me is a very bad idea, but a) his dad has made all contact impossible so I'm worried that he'll just think about me more and make things worse and b) I need a friend, not drama! I didn't do anything to get pulled into this family fiasco. On top of this mess, I am suffering from depression, anxiety, and health problems alone because all of my friends are far away and I am home alone every day because I do homeschool. My friend kept me sane, and how his dad is acting, because of my abusive experiences, is making past painful comments not just hurt, but feel true. I feel like a monster, because I might make a young boy unworthy to serve a mission or distract him from God, and neither of those have ever been my intent! I am suffering in so many ways, and it feels like my whole ward, instead of being people I can trust to help and support me, are turned against me. I'm reaching out for help, and all I'm getting is more hurt. I love, love, love this gospel, and my Savior, but I don't feel welcome at church anymore. I feel unclean, tainted, and monsterous. I want all of this hurt and pain to end, and it's starting to feel like there is only one way out. I already had been struggling with feeling worthy because of the abuse. Not even my mom knows about it, a ton pf it happened when I was super little, so I was scared to tell her. What should I do? Am I doing something wrong? I have been praying and the answer I keep getting is that the priesthood blessing I have been needing should be given by my friend's dad, but past experiences make men terrifying, and the way he disregards my feels with my friends makes me feel even more terrified of him. Should I talk to someone? My bishop was really unhelpful, and even though he assures me he wasn't one of the 'spies', he doesn't seem to be putting very much effort into ending the spying, which the whole elder's quorum has been roped into, because my friend's dad is the Elder's Quorum president, and made an announcement in one of their meetings. I just want it all to stop! I'll try anything at this point...thanks in advance.