000Zero000

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  1. It's been a while since I visited these forums. I typically just keep things bottled up and when I do tell things to someone(mostly my parents) I feel like I am just complaining. This might be long. Please do not feel like it needs to be read. I just need a place to put it down. I have been divorced now for 8 years. I have joint 50/50 custody of my kids. They spend a week at their mothers and then a week at my place. Our kids have always gone to schools in her neighborhood. We fought about schools when we were first divorced after we had both moved to new neighborhoods. We moved relatively close to each other so I figured where they went was a 50/50 toss up since they would no longer be going to the schools where we lived when we were married. When the first day of school came around the decision of schools wasn't decided and the kids were stressed about where they would be going so I relented to having them attend schools in their moms neighborhood. For the last eight years I have picking up and dropping off my children from school. Early on, I had a preschool, an elementary school, a junior high and a high school to make those pickup and drop offs at each day. For a while I paid a nanny to handle the pickups so I could stay at work. A couple of years ago the school district made a boundary change so that the high school and junior high were the same for both my ex and myself. It was really nice because I now had bus service for everything except elementary school. Unfortunately that only lasted a year. Last year the junior high was switched out of my exes boundary but remained in mine. My child who attended that school has kept going there but my ex's mom takes her in the morning and she walks home to her mothers house after. Next year my son will move to Junior high. I would like for him to attend the junior high that has bus service to my neighborhood(the same as his sister attends now). I mentioned to his mom that we needed to work out junior high and that I would like for him to go to the junior high that allowed for bus service in my neighborhood. She commented that I shouldn't have moved so far away when we got divorced and then something to the effect that church beliefs could no longer control her. What?! She went on to say that she was going to do what's best for her. Yes, obviously. First, it was weird that she felt like my wanting to have my son go to the school that made it so I didn't have to drive had anything to do with her leaving the LDS church. Second, the comment that she was going to do what was best for her kind of hit me in a way that it never had before. I really feel like she has continued to use me even after getting divorced. I have been faithfully paying child support for 8 years and have split custody but I continually buy all the things like shoes, clothes and sports equipment. My youngest told me her shoes had a hole in them this week and I wanted to say "Please ask your mother to get you some shoes" since I have bought all but one pair for the last 8 years. Instead I told her we would try to get her a new pair the next time she was with me. A few months ago my ex actually accused me of buying the kids whatever they wanted with reference to shoes and clothes. I pointed out that I just buy them shoes when I see a need. I get them jeans when I notice they wear a pair more than a few times a week or they are damaged or stained. I buy them a jacket when the one they have doesn't fit or is raggedy. I'm just trying to fulfill my role to provide and when I see a need I take care of it. I was blown away that I was being accused of doing too much. I don't think that is a normal complaint a divorced man gets. That wasn't the whole of it. She actually accused me of doing things for the kids just to make her look bad. Like the last eight years of going to every activity, every parent teacher conference, every recital, coaching kids sports teams, taking every extra day with the kids that she offered etc etc was somehow just so I could make myself look better and her worse. I'm really kind of blown away at the accusation. As each of my two oldest got learner permits and drivers licenses I spent months looking for the just right, cheap, beater cars for them to drive. I purchased the cars, do all the maintenance and repairs etc and yet my ex gets all the benefit without any of the cost. I really want to draw a hard line in the sand and tell my kids they aren't allowed to do errands for their mother, drive siblings to things etc. in the cars I purchased. I want to tell them that until their mother contributes to this huge cost that they will only have the use of the vehicles at my house. I know that isn't practical or kind and that it would only create resentment in my kids but dang it if my ex doesn't appreciate it at all. My third oldest gets her permit soon. While I'm really excited for her to drive I don't feel like I can continue to bear the brunt of this cost and the continued entitlement of her mother. My birthday is coming up. The kids will be with her that week. My ex sent me a text asking if I wanted the kids on my birthday in the evening. That on the surface seems like a nice thing to do. In the text she goes on to explain that she and her family are having an adult only celebration that evening and that even if I didn't want all the kids could I at least take the one who has a sports event that night so she has a ride to her game. You see, all of my ex's usual drivers are going to the adult event. It kind of upset me and I don't know if it should have. It was obvious that the kids being with me on my birthday was secondary to her needing someone to take our youngest to her game. I resisted the urge to call her out on the optics of what she was asking and in my response I just asked if I could maybe get them a few hours before the game. She responded that she had changed her plans and taking the kids was no longer needed. She then offered for me to take them a few weeks later for the same adults only event but "just in evening". During this back in forth of text messages with my ex, my second oldest asked me what my plans for the my birthday were and I responded that I might be taking here two younger siblings in the evening but that her sister had a game right in the middle of it. She gave a very knowing look and then commented that that didn't seem right. That kind of leads me to my next major complaint. I want to be done sticking up for my ex with my kids. Usually when my kids complain about something their mother has done I either defend her or try to give them some perspective that paints her in a good light. I've made it clear that I won't allow them to bad mouth her when they are with me and I have asked them to speak respectfully to her when in her presence. I can't say that I have always done the same but that doesn't mean I can't at least let them know what the right thing is. Since I know I will get frustrated if she and I talk about anything other than the weather, my rules for communication with my ex these days usually boils down to either email or text. There needs to be a paper trail for any communication so nobody mis remembers what was said or how it was said. Anyway, there is too much to unwrap here. Just frustrated by all of it. I feel used and unappreciated most of the time. I just want to be done with doing anything for her that would be considered extra. I want to do only what my divorce decree specifies and ignore the rest. I know that isn't best for my kids though. This sucks.
  2. I opted to allow her to attend. To the point of attending only the funeral and none of the other events, this isn't really possible. If she brings my children then she will be coming to everything as I want my children to be at everything. On another note, my parents just happened to bump into my former mother in law at a store today. She is now attending as well. I could tell it didn't make my mom very happy. My ex wasn't very kind in her assessment of my family when we were getting divorced and her mother got in on the action a bit as well. I guess we will see what happens. Thanks Just_a_guy and Vort.
  3. I would like at some point in the near future to start dating. In my view of things, I can't do that unless I am a whole person and I can't be a whole person unless I let go of the hurt and bad feeling I have for my ex. I have a long way to go but I am definitely getting better.
  4. My brother's widow said she wanted whatever was most comfortable for me. She also said my brother would have thought it was inappropriate for any of our ex's to be there. I guess she and he talked about this just a few weeks ago. For some additional context my brother had terminal cancer and he, his wife and daughter have been living with me for last month. He passed away in my home. My kids weren't able to spend much time with him during that month because he was in a lot of pain and had no energy for much interaction. Six months ago my answer to my ex would have been an immediate "please do not attend". In the last several months I have been working on changing my perspective and attitude when it comes to her but this is just very personal.
  5. My older brother passed away on the 24th of December. His funeral is this Saturday and I wouldn't normally have my kids with me when the funeral is scheduled but my ex said it would be ok if they spent the day with me so they could attend. The next day my ex sent a text message saying that she would like to go to the funeral as well and that she could just take the kids. As part of the text she said "as long as it wouldn't make anybody feel uncomfortable". The problem is that is makes me uncomfortable. I would really like to spend this time with my family and kids without her there. She didn't really know my brother and she said a lot of things about my family when we were getting divorced that weren't exactly complimentary. She is no longer a member of the church and when she was making her grand exit she actually contacted my brother's wife for some kind of weird solidarity type interaction. It was really upsetting for not only my brother but also his wife. I really feel like she just doesn't belong there and on the whole is just going to be really uncomfortable for many others besides myself. I just wanted a sounding board on what others thought about the situation.
  6. Hello again. I think the last time I posted something in these forums was over two years ago. At that time I was going through a divorce and life was rather topsy turvy. Things have evened out a bit now. My reason for suddenly dropping in again is because I have a question that I could use some additional points of view on. Much of the time I go to my parents for advice but lately I feel like most of my communication with them has been me expounding on the continued aggravation I experience because of my ex. My parents need a break. So here's the deal. One of the things that ultimately ended my marriage was my ex leaving the Church. She didn't just leave. She went full blown anti in a couple of weeks. It was something to behold. Over the last couple of years I have done my best to be respectful of her new lifestyle. Here and there I have had glimpses of what she has been teaching the kids but I have strictly adhered to not saying anything negative or anything that could be construed as negative about her. Through email communication I knew that she was telling the kids that I was brainwashed and that I belonged to a cult. Through other communication I knew that she frequently attacked my oldest over belief. I have mostly remained silent to her about what she is doing and the effect it has on our kids. I have opted instead to be a good example and try to do the things that will invite the spirit into my home. This includes doubling down on FHE, scripture study, family prayer etc. I have always maintained that I would do everything I could and leave the rest up to the Lord. In some recent communication with my ex, she said she wanted to go to mediation about the amount of time the kids were spending in religious training. While she has been adamantly against the Church in the time since divorce she has agreed a couple of times that we were raising the kids LDS. Strange, I know. Granted, I think she said that because she was trying to get something out of me but nevertheless she said it and by all appearances that is what we are doing. She doesn't take them to Church but she will occasionally let them go and she lets other things happen like attending activities and my third child was baptized when she turned 8 a year ago. Now on to the meat of needing advice. Recently while straitening my living room I found a notebook on the coffee table. I flipped it open to find out who it belonged to since it didn't have any markings on the outside. It was something my second oldest(11 years old) had written and by all appearance looked like some sort of fun spy journal or something she was doing. I thought it was cute and didn't see any harm in reading it. The first couple of pages were silliness. On about the third page it took a very disturbing turn. She starting writing about all the things her mother was telling her about the church. I won't go into the details here except to say that it made me pretty angry. I knew from some previous interactions that this daughter was having a hard time with the church and I could tell that she had also withdrawn to a certain extent from me because of it. At this point I am trying to decide how to proceed. As I mentioned above, I have made a point of not saying anything negative to the kids about their mom. I have gone out of my way to highlight her strengths(few they may be) and have even reprimanded them (the kids) when they have said something that cast her in a negative light. This just seems like too much though. She is telling my kids I am brainwashed. She is telling them everything I believe is a sham. She is telling them I am hateful and bigoted. I am thinking of contacting my lawyer tomorrow to see what can be done from a parental alienation standpoint. I want to sit my kids down and expound on the lunacy that is her broken mind. I won't do that but my, oh my, how I want to.
  7. A new wrinkle. Was given and accepted a very good job offer today. The pay is well above what I had anticipated at a great company. I just sent her an email letting her know the details (the legally required details). I am really hoping this doesn't blow things up.
  8. I think the asset division will be more than sufficient should the scenario you posed happen. Early indications are that I am coming out of this in a very good position. From talking to others who are divorced it has come up that she might actually come after me later for additional money. I spoke with my lawyer about this and he basically said there was not a way to prevent that from happening.
  9. Settlement signed and notarized. Now we just have to wait the mandatory 90 days from the date of her initial petition for a judge to sign it and make it official. That puts us just past the beggining of January for it to be finalized. My lawyer, who didn't actually do much but charge me, said I made out like a bandit and told me good job on the negotiation. Her lawyers told her to not agree to what we agreed to and had her sign a document stating she was going against legal counsel. The senior partners at the firm also came in and talked to her to try to dissuade her from agreeing to my terms. This all makes me wonder if I am actually doing something that would be considered wrong and for whatever reason I just can't see it. My lawyer, after actually seeing the settlement which he had no part in putting together, indicated that it was a very good outcome for me and that I should get it wrapped up as quickly as possible before something changes. My soon to be ex has always wanted what she wanted and wanted it now. I've always known this about her. Sometimes it serves her well and other times, well, not so much. I think this might be one of those times that it is not going to be to her advantage. She is so anxious to be divorced and be rid of me that she is willing to agree to something that is not in her best interest or not the best outcome she could possibly get. I don't want to take advantage of that but everyone I have been talking to about it says that I should take every advantage I can get. I really don't want to do the wrong thing but I know that no matter what we agree to that she will hate me later on. Anyway, life goes on. Time to look for a place to live.
  10. Her last counter asked that all legal fees be taken out of the portion that I was getting. I told her it wasn't going to fly. You bring up a good point that I hadn't considered about tax implications. Thanks.
  11. Everyone has good advice and things to think about. Thank you. There are several things playing into my decision to ask for what I have asked for. All of it centers around custody of the children. For the majority of our marriage she has been a stay at home mom who has home schooled our children. She has had no income to speak of. While it is true that I put her through school, her degree isn't in a field where it can generate good income without at least a masters to back it up. We also have 5 children, two of which are under 5. There are some laws regarding children under the age of 5 in Utah that would favor her concerning custody and visitation, especially considering for the majority of our marriage she has been the primary care taker. When she initially agreed to the 50/50 split I was very happy, especially considering my lawyer had given me a 40/60 best case scenario based on our circumstances. I honestly thought that the things she was doing and how she had changed would effect that more but I have been told by my attorney and several other people now that it does not carry as much weight as I think it should. While working through all of this the thing I have been worried about was that she would try to take away our agreement for custody and use that as a bargaining chip. Remeber her initial petition asked for joint legal and full physical custody. I realize that is just a way for her lawyer to start her at max position and then settle. When things got messy and I pulled back all offers for alimony and asked for my initial request again I was worried she would try to take our custody agreement away. She has not brought it up. This is the one area if she tried to change it now that I would be willing to drain a bank account or two to fight her. We are also going to use the schedule for who has the kids when that I suggested. This is big for me. We did discuss the other option of splitting assets 50/50. If we did this I can almost gurantee I would be paying alimony for the full term of whatever was ordered in the decree. There is no way she is going to remarry or cohabitate if it means she would lose alimony. She doesn't believe a serious/sexual relationship requires either of those things anway. She is the queen of working the system and I gurantee she would know exactly where the line is and not cross it. The other aspect of the 50/50 is that she would be required to buy me out of our home. I haven't had a chance to talk to my lawyer about this yet but her lawyer is telling her that that involves my having a lien on the home that would be payable at the time of her selling the home or at the time our youngest child turns 18. I don't know very much about that and plan to ask my lawyer about it when we meet this Friday. With regards to alimony. I don't know if I mentioned that I was going to school when she filed. I went back to school because I was let go from my last job and I felt like I needed a degree to really do what I want to do. Problem is that that last job was paying me at a higher rate than I believe I can find now. Early on in this process she was trying to impute my wages at that last pay scale for purposes of alimony. It is likely that whatever work I find now will be two thirds of what I was making. Alimony and child support combined would have disadvantaged me to the point of needing a second job just to survive.
  12. yjacket, I am getting almost everything I asked for initially. I am willing to concede a small portion if we can be finished with this. I am asking for what I feel is necessary to provide a home for my children that meets certain requirements. I don't need anything else and I am not going to fight for more than I feel I need. The small portion I conceded was what we would have paid our lawyers for a years worth of legal battles fighting over the small portion. I can either give it to the lawyers or I can give it to her. This may seem spineless to some. I'm okay with that. I don't hate her. Her actions and choices will bring her more than enough grief, I don't need to be a part of that. The arrangement we have now will still require her to struggle in signficant ways. As some other posters pointed out, if I want to help her then, out of my own choice and not forced by law, I can. It is likely I will. I am foolish to hope that what she says will happen tomorrow actually will. I sent an email to my lawyer saying that if what we had talked about showed up in her response on Wednesday that I would sign off on it. I copied her on that email and she forwarded the email to her lawyer. I guess we will see.
  13. My wife and I talked about this today. Her lawyer told her that my lawyer is a "biller". We talked about how we are buying them new boats. Ha ha. Another update, I also let her know that I knew about her relationship today. She denied it until I presented information about it that I could only know if I actually knew. I know that was probably a mistake but I don't care. She was a little taken back that I knew the guys name and assumes that one of her friends must have betrayed this information to me. She is meeting with her lawyer tomorrow and assures me that she is going to instruct him to do what we talked about and not come back with the "It isn't enough" reply. If this in fact happens I would count it as a win. Asset division would be 35% to 65% with her being the 65%. There would not be alimony. Child custody would be 50/50 both legal and physical. That is it in it's simplest form. While the asset division seems to be lopsided the no alimony and child custody is huge for me. It was intersting when I put the assets on paper for her today that she said she hadn't done any of the math regarding assets. She was just doing what her lawyer said to do. I asked her to please become a little more involved in her divorce.
  14. Jojo, I want to cool down about it because when I think about it, it consumes me. I have important decisions to make and I really just need to move past this if I can. Trust me, at this point my goodwill has been spent with regards to giving her anything beyond what the law requires.
  15. Yes, I have an attorney. I had hoped that she and I could work this out without having to have our attorneys do all the talking but I realize now that I was being foolish. She was actively looking for a job for the last couple of weeks but I noticed that after I said I wanted to do mediation that all stopped. I think when she was getting everything she wanted from me she was ok with getting a job because she would have what she needed and then some. Now that I am asking that we do mediation she isn't going to get a job because it would prove she could get a job. Granted, that job wouldn't pay much. I'm sticking to my plan. Mediation whether it hurts or harms my previous position. It's the only way to be sure I'm not being taken.