flygirl

One of the biggest problems is that I believe what he says- that he'll never do it again or that he'll at least be honest and not hide it from me anymore. Another problem is I believed he was repentant and changing, when all along he was just getting more and more secretive. He's able to hide it from me on and off because I've chosen not to look for it or question him for years. I've accidentally discovered it maybe 7 times over a 13 year marriage. I didn't know it was a continual problem that he was never resolving, I thought he was relapsing because that's what he told me.

I know this is an older post, but thought I'd respond. If someone says they'd prefer that their husband had an affair they are most certainly talking about recurring porn addiction and the lies that accompany it. With porn, the mistresses are within the home 24/7 and are perfect, with every variety and kinky act under the sun. They require no communication, have no needs, and are there only to satisfy. This just doesn't exist in real life. The world is more accepting of porn rather than adultery. A woman that leaves a cheater gets more support and understanding than a woman who is dealing with a husband who is addicted to porn. There's more shame with porn. Porn addiction is just as damaging as adultery. With my husband's porn addiction, he continually gets a slap on the wrist by bishops and I am told to forgive over and over. He's even been given callings a month after confession and while he wasn't supposed to take the sacrament. Each and every time I discover the lies and porn, our relationship deteriorates until there's but a fragment of hope or love left. The cycle continues... If he had committed adultery, he would have been disfellowshipped/excommunicated, especially if he had done it as many times as he has masturbated to porn.

For some clarification: My husband has not done what the bishops have asked (Bishop(S)=new bishop, a few weeks after his confession). He has stopped looking at porn and that is the first of many steps to repentance and rebuilding trust. He hasn't attended sacrament (usually only attended the last hour of church), doesn't pray, read scriptures, doesn't communicate with me, avoids talking about our relationship or problems within the relationship, and will not attend counseling. He has replaced the porn with video games. He found a counselor a few months ago at my request and attended 8 times. The counselor wasn't Christian, certainly didn't understand Mormonism and felt porn is a non-issue. My husband also didn't do the counselors assignments and quit going. My husband continues to lie to me and withdraws and avoids. There has been no action on his part, other than what I have requested him to do (including the confession to the bishop). So, the bishop recently told him he could start taking the sacrament again and baptize my daughter. Im a little confused, since everything the bishops said he needed to do he hasn't done (other than not looking at porn). This only helps this cycle of abstaining and using porn repeat itself. I call my husband out when he doesn't keep his promises now (in the past I was naive and believed what he said and was too patient, only to be walked all over and lied to time and time again). This causes problems with rebuilding the trust. Maybe I confuse trust with forgiveness? I have been seeing my own therapist to deal with all the hurt, anger, resentment, fear and to help detach from his problem, but there is no denying his problem has effects on me and affects our relationship. Perhaps I need to detach further and move out and let him sort out his problems? Perhaps I need to realize he is not sincerely sorry for the porn use and perhaps is not willing to change; or this is going to be a really SLOW process that may take years. I just want to see us moving forward and we are certainly stuck. I don't want to bring him down, or criticize him, but I also have to protect myself from further damage and arguments that we have. I found a marriage counselor that we're going to start seeing, I just need more to see my husband actively take a part in fixing HIS problem so WE can move forward and I can trust him again.

I feel for you. Please know that he has problems and you deserve so much more. Do yourself a favor and get out before any more damage to your self esteem can be done. I imagine he has intimacy issues and possibly is doing porn or cheating. The video games are an escape. Move on, and let the Lord guide you.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm praying daily for strength and guidance. My husband has been involved in pornography our entire marriage. He hid it for several months after we married and when I discovered it I was devastated. I'm past Satan's lies that it had to do with me or that "all men do it". I just don't know that I can ever trust him or respect him again. I can't take the hurt, anger, and fear anymore. The negative emotions are so intense I don't think I can peel them away to feel love again. Just when I think I've let go and can trust I discover more. He has worked with multiple bishops, but they were of no help. He'd get at most a few months of not taking the sacrament. I feel he's just gone through the motions and pretended to quit and faked change. I understand mistakes, but this has happened over and over. Years ago, he "supposedly" quit to perform baby blessings (first his nephew, one our 1st baby). With my second baby, I discovered that he looked at porn a few days before the blessing. We've been inactive on and off. I'm no saint, but I do expect honesty and intimacy in my marriage. We were sealed in the temple while I was pregnant with my 3rd baby, and I remember feeling such a disconnect with him and lack of the spirit- I had a strong feeling he wasn't worthy. Another baby blessing and my oldest's baptism, all while hiding the truth that he was still looking at porn on a consistent basis. 13 years of catching and discovering the porn and then with my 4th baby I find more porn (second trimester having moved a few weeks before). Another discovery of porn 2 days before her baby blessing. I told him he wasn't worthy to bless her and I didn't want him to. After much thought and prayer I told him he could decide if he was going to still bless her and the night before her blessing he said he was going to. (My mother was in town) So, what I thought was a problem for him, has turned out to be a major problem that is never resolved and has not been sporadic or bingeing, but a consistent ongoing problem. (Weekly) He wants to baptize our daughter, who has waited a year. He says he's been clean 6 months. The bishop said he's good to go and can also start taking the sacrament and I feel AWFUL. This is so counterintuitive. It is what it is. I haven't seen repentance/change and it makes me sick inside to think I'm repeating the past with him. I feel much guilt over the fact that I can't seem to forgive or trust, and that I look back at ordinances he's performed with such sadness. He has fought me on my boundaries and needs, pushes me away, and truthfully I feel the "actions" he has taken to stop accessing porn I forced on him. He quit the therapy I asked him to start. He hasn't done what the original bishop and the new bishop asked him to do. I just don't understand how this has been handled correctly. This is how he has fallen back into it before. I can't let this cycle continue. I feel I might be leaving this marriage. I've tried, I've stood by him for 13 years hoping he'd change. I took my vows and covenants seriously, but I cannot disrespect myself and hurt like this anymore.