Littleoldme

Oh, and I forgot to answer the question some have asked. Was he like this when I married him? I believe he is very good at presenting himself to be a certain person and then as time passes, his true colors come out. It's been like this with many jobs. He is great at getting hired but after a while he gets pressured to leave or leaves himself because he can tell they want him to. I think this is what happened with me. I had no idea he would have been this kind of a father. I always thought fathers would WANT to be involved in their kids lives naturally, not that I would have to almost beg to get him to be. I wish I had a way of knowing. I should have known him longer. I tried to get out of it, because I didn't feel comfortable marrying him, but that is a whole nother story I would rather not go into. Regardless, I married him. And here we are today.

I have had a lot of time to read through and think about the comments. Thank you. My mom has sometimes told me that I can't see the forest for the trees. Which I think has happened sometimes. So these comments are giving me a larger perspective on it all. There are many different takes on this situation and different thoughts on different parts of whats going on. I have really been digging inside myself to see what part of my misery I am causing. As I have searched I have realized that I really need to get back to fortifying my testimony. Because of some of the things I have, it has been hard to not wonder if maybe God doesn't love me, or at least doesn't love me as much as others. I have realized I have got to stop thinking this way because it will be my undoing if I don't. I am grateful for the comments people have made that have suggested I need to get to work on myself, because I do, and I have been so focused on the things that I have no control over that I haven't focused on the things I do, which is my thoughts and my beliefs about God and my attitude. I still don't know what I'm going to do in my marriage. I have thought a lot about leaving and divorce, but part of the problem is, for just the very strong reasons you feel like maybe it's time to leave are the very strong reasons why you end up thinking it would be a bad idea to do it. Control issues, anger issues, etc. would play into a divorce as much if not more in a divorce. I think you get my drift. There's certain people you just don't want to be enemies with. One of the hardest things has been the not having control in most areas of my life. Not long ago, he decided my boys were no longer allowed to be involved in any way with scouting. Now, I am not a super knowledgeable scout mom or anything, but for years I have supported them and chauffered them, memorized with them, scrimped to get them things for their scout outfits, helped them pack, etc. And now this. I've been pretty depressed about it, because no matter what, I can't change his mind, and I've already mentioned here on this forum how important it is to me to have positive role models in their lives. This is unrighteous dominion. Some have tried to change his mind, but he won't budge. In all honesty, it's been like this for a long time. Every place we have ever moved has been his pick. But anyway, back to the work I need to do on myself, since I am in a quandary about the rest. I need to get back to having a real relationship with God again, and not projecting my relationship with my spouse onto my relationship with Him and thinking He has abandoned me. I am going to try to feed myself spiritually and emotionally more.

Thank you all for all of your responses. I am thankful- I hadn't checked the responses for a few days and was glad to see when I came back that people had left some responses for me. I appreciate the well thought out responses of people trying to give ideas that might help me through this situation. I am going to read them all again and see what I can glean from them to help us with this. There is things that can be done, I know, to improve our situation, I am sure. I know he needs help as well. I think the biggest worry I've had overall is the effect some of his behaviors, (both his anger/temper issues and his neglect) will have long-term on the children. I know already that it has effected some of the children who have some big temper issues. The best thing I've been able to come up with is to pray for positive male role models in their lives. God has answered these prayers over the years, and I do need to be more grateful for those answers and to learn to trust that he will still answer in the future as well. I used to be really good at reading scriptures, but there have been times in the past few years that I have sort of given up hope and not done as well in this area, and have also slacked a bit on prayer. I get home late from work and all I want to do is sleep. I guess I also have felt that God maybe just doesn't care about me since I have prayed so much over this issue and not much seems to change with him. I'm sure the solution is gratitude as a few of you mentioned. And yes, even though he doesn't do much with us, at least I do have a husband, whatever smaller percentage it is he seems to be giving/not giving. That is the dilemma I have had as far as expectations are concerned. As one of you posted, our feelings about our marriages have to do with our expectations. So, is it better to just do away with all expectations of anything from him, so that I'm not upset when he does nothing, or to keep expecting things of him? As far as doing things with the kids and I, I have pretty much just dropped all expectations of him just so as to cut down on the arguing we used to have about it. I mention it to him so he knows where we are and then we just go on our way. He knows very well that I know he won't come. When I would try to get him to go places in the past, there was always an excuse so it didn't seem he was just refusing to go. But I have seen the patterns long enough to know, he just wont go. Now I just know this is my reality and so do my kids. But will they do the same thing to their families? That's my greatest fear. I know, I know, I need to focus on the here and now. And maybe that is one of my problems. I don't know. But kids do tend to follow what they see. I can do my best to be involved in things and not live my life through a screen, but I am only one half of the equation.

Hi, I am new to this forum but was driven here by some pretty strong needs. I am hoping to find answers here. I have really been struggling in my life and in my marriage right now and frankly have been for over a decade. My husband and I are doing somewhat ok. Our finances are FINALLY on the upswing after years of uncontrolled spending by my husband. I have compensated by having to be extremely frugal with everything. We have finally gotten a lot more on the same page about finances and are working towards getting out of debt. I owe this to prayer. It's been pretty amazing. So I should be happy, right? So why am I so unhappy still? I have found myself crying on various occasions when I am alone, and a few times when I am with others and it becomes embarrassing because I can't explain why I am crying. It honestly has surprised me how easily tears come lately. It usually is when I am around a family who, it seems, has it all. It seems all of the sisters and sister-in-laws in my life have these amazing strong Mormon families. This is hard for me to talk about, because I rarely ever talk about the realities of my relationship with my husband to anyone. I used to talk to my mom about it but learned the hard way that it always just makes my life and marriage harder because she gets really mad at my husband and tries to get me to divorce him and it complicates things. I'll tell you a little about my husband without going too much into detail. In general, he is an angry person. I know that is starting out extremely negatively, but it is just the way I see him. He has a personality that is frankly very hard to get along with. Think how to hug a porcupine. Now before you go thinking that is just the way I see things, I will tell you, this is also a pretty objective thing. He has gone through numerous jobs, has issues with almost everyone he has ever worked with, quit or been forced to quit numerous jobs. He was in a leadership position in the ward and was constantly gossiping about the members of the ward and the leaders he worked with. I have a very hard time with that and try very hard to not encourage this. He chose to no longer fill that position, which I'm actually relieved about. Everywhere he goes, he makes enemies, and because of his ways of dealing with people, he has very few people left to call his friends. I believe he has a mental illness but he won't get help because he thinks he is fine. To me, he seems very antisocial. When he gets home from work, he believes he is done with all responsiblity for the day and will sit in the basement watching show after show after show until I have to leave for work after I have gotten all the kids to bed, and dealt with the sibling rivalry, made dinner, been a chauffeur, helped with homework, etc. Fathering, to him, almost seems that it was done the moment the children were conceived. He does not support the children. He won't go to any of their sports games (it embarrasses him that his children aren't better players, although he could have a LOT to do with that to help them improve in a gentle way), he won't go to music concerts they are in, he won't be involved. Period. He just doesn't care to and never has. He'll only go to things if there is free food there, and then he wants to leave right away when we are done eating. My heart has broken for my children many times over. His parents may suspect this, but I don't think they truly realize the extent of how miserable I am. My parents know mostly by reading through the lines, and sometimes after probing for information after one of those teary sessions where I just am in tears for no apparent reason. Because of his inability to really be active and involved, he is now pushing 400 lbs. and his doctor has given him strict instructions to excercise lest he die by the age of 40. I have been very surprised lately by often and extremely strong feelings of jealousy and anger about relationships in my life. My brother who I have been very close to in the past has pretty much not come over hardly at all or even answered my messages I have sent him. I would be ok with that, thinking he is just busy like I am except for the fact he recently saved money and flew out to be with my sisters family. I have been so very very hurt by that since he doesn't seem to have the time of day to come see me or my children even though he lives relatively close. I have found myself crying at my night job when no one is around. He has said a lot in the past how amazing I am, but never seems able to find the time to come over. And it hurts. To the core. Maybe because he has been one of the few people I see able to give my kids some of that dad-like time. How come kids who most need it are the ones that seem to get forgotten the most? Sorry, I know this is just pitiful. I don't know how things ever got to this point in my life. I find myself wanting to avoid any family that have an active and supportive dad and husband. The last time I had a teary episode in front of others was when I was with my mom and sisters family. Her husband was giving the family home evening lesson, and I thought to myself, we will never have what they have. That jealousy and trying to avoid that jealousy also makes it hard to form close friendships. I find myself drawn to make friendships with single women because it just cuts out all that emotional garbage of comparing myself and my family to theirs or getting jealous. I never thought of myself as a jealous person until recently. Anyway, there are a lot of other issues I haven't even touched on yet, but don't want to write a novel. So, this is enough for now. I feel I am right teetering on the verge of a deep depression if not in it already and so maybe I'm trying to stave it off as much as I possibly can. I just needed to tell someone what's really going on with me. The pretending I'm fine just isn't working anymore for me.