MormonMama

This is probably why I felt prompted to check. Something just didn't feel "right" in our home. There has definitely been more contention lately, but I'd initially chalked that up to the whole holiday rush thing. DH has seemed on edge and defensive about everything the past few weeks. My teenager and I have been having trouble sleeping and we didn't know why. Our home just felt "unsettled". Now I guess I know why. Since I confronted DH and he confessed, things have felt more peaceful in our home. You would think it wouldn't be, that there would be more tension, but there's been less since that point. I've asked DH what drove him to look at these pictures this time and he says he just doesn't know. He insists it's not me, the pregnancy or my weight gain (we've both gained quite a bit of weight over the years of our marriage), but he just can't identify any one thing that caused him to start again. I personally think it could be stress. He got laid off from a good job several months ago and the only job he has been able to get since then doesn't pay nearly enough to cover our expenses and will most likely be dropping hours starting in January. With a baby on the way, I know that has to be stressing him out a lot more than he lets on. DH has decided he wants us to talk to the bishop together, which I'm happy to do. I don't think I'd want to do this alone either, if it were me in his shoes. Hopefully the bishop can get to the root of the initial problem and help us sort this out. DH did learn some coping mechanisms from our previous bishop during his last battle with porn years ago, but he says they are not working this time around. I'm just glad we caught it early this time around, before it moved on to harder things. Hopefully that will make it easier for DH to overcome this time.

Okay, you and I get something VERY different from that scripture. Jesus DOES equate it with adultery. He says that person has committed adultery already. The fact that it's "in his heart" makes no difference. I have been taught this in Sunday School as well, so clearly I am not the only person in the church who believes this. Proverbs 23:7 tells us that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. Numerous church leaders have stated that the thought precedes the action, which is why we are to keep our thoughts morally clean. True to the Faith states: "When you are married, you must be completely faithful to your husband or wife." Another statement from that source: "Merely refraining from sexual intercourse outside of marriage is not sufficient in the Lord’s standard of personal purity. The Lord requires a high moral standard of His disciples, including complete fidelity to one’s spouse in thought and conduct."

Yjacket, to read your posts you apparently think that I should just suck it up and try to ignore what he is doing and just live with it. If he's not going to respect me and care about my feelings, then too bad I just need to shut up and deal with it and go about my married life as if nothing was wrong. Because that is exactly what I am getting from your posts. And good grief people, do you seriously think I would divorce him or make ANY major decision about my marriage without some serious, heavy-duty prayer? Honestly, some of you have latched on to that word above all else and have already come to the assumption that I have decided to divorce him, which makes your advice extremely narrow in its scope and not helpful in the slightest. Yes, if he is unrepentant and refuses to change what he is doing and insists that I need to accept it, I will most likely divorce him. Period, end of discussion. I will NOT do so without a lot of prayer and counseling, but I cannot live with someone who would so disrespect me and care so little about the pain he is causing me. I already went through this in my first marriage, with a husband who not only refused to stop using porn, but eventually tried to talk me into joining in, tried to talk me into getting breast implants and wanted me to agree to bring other women into the picture. When I refused he just went elsewhere for his pleasure. I will NOT go through that again, nor will I allow it to get even anywhere close to that. If DH makes an honest effort to shun that stuff, even if he still slips up from time to time, I will stand by him and support him. I've already done it once before and I thought we had moved past that. I have already said that in a previous post, but some of you are like a dog with a bone and just can't see past the 'd' word.

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:28. Directly from the mouth of Jesus.

Considering I've already stated that he is using these images to self-abuse himself, I'd say your statement right there justifies calling it porn. The church and our prophets certainly have, repeatedly. Christ calls looking at a woman with lust adultery. And the church states that adultery is a valid reason for divorce. Therefore, if he insists on continuing his actions, I would be well within my right to divorce him. Am I going to run right out and file for divorce tomorrow? No. Boy, some of you are really overreacting on that. To those of you who understand my feelings in this, thank you very much for your support. JoJoBag, I really appreciate your perspective from the other end of things and your sensitivity.

DoctorLemon, no worries. I don't think I mentioned the self-abuse in my original post, but it is definitely going on and DH has admitted to it. Our bishop is currently out of town so DH hasn't been able to talk to him yet, but I don't know if he's quite worked up the nerve for that yet anyway. If know if it was me I'd need more time. Texygirl, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My DH at least still shows an interest in me (which is why I don't get why he's looking at racy pictures when I'm available and he's never acted like he doesn't want me). Is your DH willing to talk to your bishop or get marital counseling? I'm going to be talking to my bishop, whether my DH will or not (he says he will), because I know I will need his support and advice through this. Good luck. I hope you guys can work this out.

I'm not talking about him making attempts to quit his behavior and relapsing from time to time. I know darn well that you can just turn your desires off. I'm talking about if he takes an attitude of, "I see nothing wrong with it, you're just overly sensitive and you need to get over it and I'm going to do what I want." That would be a deal-breaker for me. Especially since he sees nothing wrong with looking at stuff like that when the kids are in the room. Since the women are clothed, he doesn't get what the big deal is. But since I also know for a fact that he's pleasuring himself, clearly these photos are a bigger deal than he claims. I also know for a fact, from past experience with him, that it doesn't take long to go from racy photos of clothed women to flat-out porn. Like I said, we've been around this block before. I want this nipped in the bud before it goes any farther. Getting his pleasure himself by looking at racy photos of other women when I'm right there in the bedroom is cheating, imo. He's betraying me with other women, whether it's in the flesh or not. I'm not waiting until it IS in the flesh. If he's not willing to attempt to quit (and so far he says he is), then that tells me he has no respect for me. Again, I'm not talking about making an effort and relapsing, I'm talking about if he decides he just doesn't care. I did NOT tell him "quit now or I'm filing for divorce," as some of you seem to think. I told him that if this continues and he doesn't make an effort to stop, then I would eventually divorce him. Because if he does that, it tells me that he doesn't really care about me and doesn't respect me. And I can't respect someone who doesn't respect me, nor can I be married to someone like that. As long as I see that he is trying, even if he fails sometimes, I'll stand by him. Right now, he says he wants to stop and he feels badly for doing it. But I also don't know how long he would have continued if I hadn't caught him (he admitted that it's been going on for a month and a half this time; last time it was a lot longer before I caught him and it was full-on porn videos and a LOT of them). I want it to stop this time BEFORE it gets to that point and if I have to give him a warning of what will happen if he continues, so be it. Yjacket, you don't know my husband and you don't know how he responds to things. I've known him for 13 years and been married to him for almost 10. I know what kinds of conversations he responds to and what has no effect or he doesn't take seriously. He's the type of person who needs to be told flat-out, "keep doing x and you'll get y." That may sound like an ultimatum to you, but DH likes things put right out on the table like that. That way there's no room for misunderstanding. I'm the same way. I just want someone to tell it like it is and not play word games. There's a lot of things I can overlook and forgive in my marriage. I know darn well that I have my own faults. But deliberately seeking sexual pleasure from another woman, whether it's in the flesh or not, is something I will not tolerate. DH knows this. He knows that eventually this will lead to the end of our marriage if he persists (not tries to quit and fails at times, but actually persists).

It gets into the 110's here for several weeks every summer. DH always ditches his suit jacket when it gets that hot. While the building does have A/C, the drive to church is short enough that the A/C in our car never gets a chance to get very cold and DH is soaked in sweat by the time we get to church. DH actually didn't even own a suit jacket until about a year or so ago and he's been a member 10 years. Where I live, most men are not wearing suit jackets when it gets that hot. The members of the bishopric and stake presidency do, but I'm assuming they are required to. I've never heard of anyone being taken to task for not wearing one.

The problem is, he's not just looking at racy photos, he's also taking care of his own passions, if you know what I mean. Yes, I have proof of this and he also admitted it when I confronted him. And I know from past experience with him that it's a very short jump to looking at full-blown pornographic pictures and videos. If this had been the first time this had happened, and if it was just racy photos of clothed women, I probably would not feel a need to involve the bishop.

I don't think it's so much that he doesn't care about my feelings, it's that he just doesn't see what's wrong with looking at women if their clothes are still on, even when they're barely on and the photos are clearly designed to excite sexual passions. He once showed me a video that he thought was hilarious. It was supposed to be a spoof on addiction, with the women in the video being addicted to twerking and it showed her twerking all over the place. He thought it was absolutely hilarious. I thought it was sick and disgusting and those images still pop into my head during church at times. He didn't get why I would be offended to watch a woman basically air humping everything in site. However, now that I've made it clear in no uncertain terms that I am feeling hurt, betrayed and offended by what he is looking at and that it definitely violates the church's standard of morality (which is why I want him to speak to the bishop, so he's not hearing it from just me), if he continues to look and still thinks it's my problem and not his, that will tell me that he doesn't care about my feelings. Right now he says he does and that he will talk to the bishop.

Yes, with this being a repeat problem, I would divorce him if he insists on continuing it. Because that's a huge sign of disrespect for me. He would be incredibly upset if I were to look at pictures or videos of naked men. He would feel betrayed, just like I do, especially if it was on-going over time. If he's willing to work at fixing the problem, then of course I will support him and stand beside him. But if he basically tells me that he doesn't care how I feel and he's going to keep doing it, then you're right, that's a sign of a much bigger problem in our marriage and one I won't put up with. I did the single mom thing for 9 years before we married. I know I can handle it again. I'd rather be single than married to someone I can't trust and respect. The ball is in his court now. What decision he makes will tell me how he really feels about me and our marriage. You seem to think that my comments about DH's computer skills apply to everything. You shouldn't assume anything. DH is very computer illiterate. He even admits that. Do you know who fills out his job applications? Me, because he finds them confusing. He constantly asks me for help with internet searches, figuring out how to do things on websites, etc. He is the first person to admit that when it comes to computers, a kindergartener has more skills than he does. He can do web searches, obviously, and play games on Facebook, but that's about it. And truth be told, he's not interested in much more. Again, this is the guy who refused to get a cell phone until I bought him one after our marriage. And most of the time he leaves it in his backpack and never even hears it ring. Now he has to keep it on hand for his job, since he's often on call, but if he had his way it would be turned off in a drawer most days. And yes, if he won't go to our bishop, I will. Not to "tattle" on DH, as you put it, but because I will need his spiritual guidance in this matter because I have no one else I can get it from. DH and I are both converts, so I have no other Priesthood holder I can go to for guidance in this matter. And I did tell DH I was going to talk to him, but wanted to give DH the option to talk to him first. And yeah, I would LOVE to be a SAHM, but since DH only makes about half of what we need just to cover basic expenses like rent and groceries, we have no choice but for me to work. It's not that he doesn't want to support his family, he does. He's tried for years to find a higher paying job. He finally got one last year, only to get laid off 7 months later. The only job he could find after that paid almost $7.00 an hour less and doesn't always give him 40 hours a week. I make more than he does right now. He's still looking for a better job and I should know, since I fill out and submit the applications, but he can't even get an interview. So I have to work. It's not a choice. Your post is full of a LOT of assumptions and very uneducated guesses. It's not even remotely helpful.

I don't even know how to do that, so I can pretty much guarantee you that he doesn't either. Trust me, DH is pretty dumb when it comes to computers. He can do a websearch and click on links, but that's about it. And I had to teach him how to do that.

Very interesting read, thank you.

I don't do any of those things with my female friends. Does that mean I don't have any female friends? I would disagree.

DH came home just a bit ago and I did tell him what I had discovered. He didn't say anything at first, so I asked him if he was admitting it or denying it and he admitted it. I told him that to say I was upset about it was an understatement and that he needs to talk to our bishop. He said he would, but we'll see. Eowyn, I don't think he's an addict...yet. Because of his past issue years ago, I do check browser history from time to time and it's only been in the past month or so that this stuff has shown up. But I've read enough articles to know that the potential is definitely there. We'll see if he actually talks to our bishop and where things go from here. But honestly, if he doesn't make an effort to change, he may find himself alone by next Christmas. I forgave him once in the past for this and he did make changes and made an effort to avoid it at the time, but if he's doing it again that tells me that this may be an even deeper problem than I had thought. And with his work hours and mine being so different, it would be pretty easy for him to have an affair and me not find out. So far I'm not seeing anything that makes me think he is and my gut is telling me he's not, but I'm not naive enough to think it could never happen.